Venting I'm crazy

[TheMountainTreeEgg]

Overtime my mental health has started to decline, I've started to get more depressed and in the span of a week I have multiple depressive episodes. Today it really started to hit me because my mental health has gotten so much worse that I can notice the drastic changes. Several days ago I was looking up methods to CTB, and now that i think about it, things have never gotten this bad. On my way home I started hyperventilating and I think I had a panic attack for the first time in my life. HOLY SHIIIIIIITTT.

yeah I'm lowkey not built for this why was I born.



But on a serious note how the heck are people so strong? Its crazy how people just continue their lives even though they've been suffering for so long, I guess their just built different.
skating takes my mind off it but its not a permanent solution...

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

Millions of reasons that I can't tell you till you tell me your life story. But most people live in bliss or bury everything. Or maybe they just were born in better circumstances really.

Not built for this life shit either. I don't care to be human anymore, atleast right now. I never really was human in the first place. If only I was a cat chilling in some rich peoples house with like big tree scratchers n shit

 

[TheMountainTreeEgg]

If only I was a cat chilling in some rich peoples house with like big tree scratchers n shit

Yeah I really wish I was a tree, It would be really cool and I wouldn't have to deal with all this shit.

 

[encore]

there are genetic hard-wiring reasons why some people cope and deal with trauma better. sometimes it's just about the way we are, naturally. but it does also have to do with external circumstances and trauma

i get traumatized really easily. from stuff most people wouldn't think twice about or dwell on. i also know i was always this way, so at the end of the day, for me, it's mostly a genetic lottery loss…

 

[Halfhourdays]

Yeah I really wish I was a tree, It would be really cool and I wouldn't have to deal with all this shit.

I thought about being a tree but decided to go with being a bear.

 

[TheMountainTreeEgg]

there are genetic hard-wiring reasons why some people cope and deal with trauma better. sometimes it's just about the way we are, naturally. but it does also have to do with external circumstances and trauma

i get traumatized really easily. from stuff most people wouldn't think twice about or dwell on. i also know i was always this way, so at the end of the day, for me, it's mostly a genetic lottery loss…

wow I didn't know this, learn something everyday

 

[Nobody'sHero]

You're not crazy... There is no such thing... I just believe some people are more sensitive than others. When I say sensitive I partly mean feelings that arise when interacting with others and when things happen to you. Growing up I remember that I always seemed to be more hurt/affected by interactions with people than everyone else. For example. if someone rejected me I felt it for a long time and kept thinking about it. If I had a positive interaction I always amplified it way too much (they like me, they are my friends, etc.). If I did something bad I always punished my self way too much, to this day I think back at things I did in elementary/ middle school and feel like shit, the wound is still fresh. This slowly made me avoid connections and people in general...
I also mean sensitive to the world. I've always felt like there is something wrong, something negative is happening... I had questions about what seemed like everything. I slowly started started answering these questions through experience, thinking, reading, documentaries, losing my mind.
All this shit made me feel like I was losing my mind, made me slowly lose faith in others, the world and myself. I feel like existence is very depressing if you think about it, it's just that some people don't think about it that much or they do but have coping mechanisms that work for them.

Hope this shit makes a little sense hahaha sort of rambled...

 

[TheMountainTreeEgg]

You're not crazy... There is no such thing... I just believe some people are more sensitive than others. When I say sensitive I partly mean feelings that arise when interacting with others and when things happen to you. Growing up I remember that I always seemed to be more hurt/affected by interactions with people than everyone else. For example. if someone rejected me I felt it for a long time and kept thinking about it. If I had a positive interaction I always amplified it way too much (they like me, they are my friends, etc.). If I did something bad I always punished my self way too much, to this day I think back at things I did in elementary/ middle school and feel like shit, the wound is still fresh. This slowly made me avoid connections and people in general...
I also mean sensitive to the world. I've always felt like there is something wrong, something negative is happening... I had questions about what seemed like everything. I slowly started started answering these questions through experience, thinking, reading, documentaries, losing my mind.
All this shit made me feel like I was losing my mind, made me slowly lose faith in others, the world and myself. I feel like existence is very depressing if you think about it, it's just that some people don't think about it that much or they do but have coping mechanisms that work for them.

Hope this shit makes a little sense hahaha sort of rambled...

no I definitely think this makes sense. another thing to point out is if you're neurodivergent, that also plays a huge part in how you interact with the world, which effects me heavily

 

[divinemistress36]

there are genetic hard-wiring reasons why some people cope and deal with trauma better. sometimes it's just about the way we are, naturally. but it does also have to do with external circumstances and trauma

i get traumatized really easily. from stuff most people wouldn't think twice about or dwell on. i also know i was always this way, so at the end of the day, for me, it's mostly a genetic lottery loss…

Me too! Its an awful way to live

 

[Nobody'sHero]

no I definitely think this makes sense. another thing to point out is if you're neurodivergent, that also plays a huge part in how you interact with the world, which effects me heavily

Exactly! It's wayyy more difficult to connect with people/ deal with this. On top of that growing up you need a bit more understanding/ guidance/ patience that you might not have gotten. I know I didn't. Mental illness is seen as weakness in my family and i've been suffering with this shit alone since it started. My parents know very little (pretty much nothing) of what I have gone/go through.

 

[TheMountainTreeEgg]

Exactly! It's wayyy more difficult to connect with people/ deal with this. On top of that growing up you need a bit more understanding/ guidance/ patience that you might not have gotten. I know I didn't. Mental illness is seen as weakness in my family and i've been suffering with this shit alone since it started. My parents know very little (pretty much nothing) of what I have gone/go through.

Yeah my mom only knows surface level stuff because I slipped up and told my doctor that I was having suicidal thoughts.

 

[Nobody'sHero]

Yeah my mom only knows surface level stuff because I slipped up and told my doctor that I was having suicidal thoughts.

My mom is very silent and follows my dad so she doesn't really offer anything in terms of guidance. She's nice and cooks pretty well, but that's about it.
From my dad I always got comments like: "When are you going to grow up?" "Why can't you be more like x" "You're spoiled, I went through this and that".
That made led me to not involve them. The few times I went to therapy I always went alone and somehow avoided the therapist telling my parents. Since they don't give a shit about mental health they never got involved. I did try to commit suicide as a teenager but they didn't really follow up on it. It got swept under the rug and we never talked about it and tried to figure out the root cause. I just ended up not involving them and not continuing therapy because they wanted to medicate me. So I just kind of grew up trying to figure out shit on my own and I'm exhausted.

 

[TheMountainTreeEgg]

My mom is very silent and follows my dad so she doesn't really offer anything in terms of guidance. She's nice and cooks pretty well, but that's about it.
From my dad I always got comments like: "When are you going to grow up?" "Why can't you be more like x" "You're spoiled, I went through this and that".
That made led me to not involve them. The few times I went to therapy I always went alone and somehow avoided the therapist telling my parents. Since they don't give a shit about mental health they never got involved. I did try to commit suicide as a teenager but they didn't really follow up on it. It got swept under the rug and we never talked about it and tried to figure out the root cause. I just ended up not involving them and not continuing therapy because they wanted to medicate me. So I just kind of grew up trying to figure out shit on my own and I'm exhausted.

yeah, I'm so tired and it getting to a breaking point, and the worst part is I'm only an undergraduate.

 

[Nobody'sHero]

yeah, I'm so tired and it getting to a breaking point, and the worst part is I'm only an undergraduate.

Wish I could say that it gets better, hopefully it does for you. Just try to be kind to yourself and give yourself some space, also stay away from drugs/alcohol/partying too much, they are not your friends and will only fuck the situation further <3