Warlord's Pulse
Time to end this endless war
- May 27, 2024
- 210
As a rule of thumb, if you're not sure, you should not CTB. I'll try to be succint of my case here:
This month has been a mess. The entire year up till now, actually. I barely worked, now I'm kinda worried about money again, oops. Some cool stuff happened here and there. Anyway, this month in particular was eventful, because I put the most thought on my demise. Last few days my mind has been very active, trying to establish a good logical chain, albeit sometimes is painfully hard to be rational, especially with all these conflicting ideas. That being said, what actually happened?
First days of the month I tried to be closer with a... friend of friend, if I can say so. Someone I saw very sporadically. I was kinda worried because overall I tend to not get close [as a friendship, especially with many mutual friends] with someone of the opposite gender (will not talk about details here and now), and moreover, I'm naturally someone who tends to get tired of most social connections (the classic ambivalence of pushing others away but craving for someone close, yeah). But anyway, things were running fairly smoothly, then my group of friends started to schedule some meetings, I can't explain exactly why, but I felt a mix of discomfort with... some other unexplainable feelings. Kinda disconected to the group, feeling like an intruder, things like that. And hey, after some "self-knowledge" instrospections, I must admit that I have a bad habit, I "like" to see they insisting for my presence and then talking how I was missed. Very twisted way to cope with my own neediness. One day, I unpretentiously saw then on a Discord server voice call, and then entered, they didn't bothered at first, and I didn't say anything. But then, I decided to meddle in. My mind... was off. I made somewhat edgy comments, silly remarks and it all just seemed so awkward. Three friends of mine were participating, a very close friend, a childhood friend I barely talk to, and the girl I mentioned before. My close friend sounded somewhat personally offended by the situation, my other friend didn't make heads or tails of anything and the girl called me "stupid". Well, it's actually commom to friends to call themselves names, but not in a serious manner, and I'm used to it. In this case specific, I'm not saying it was to strictly offend me, but given all the context, the uncorfotable situation I brought and my at the time vulnerable mind, made me feel really bad about this. After they left, I asked my close friend to call me, and I talked a lot, I even slipped some of my suicidal ideations. He was baffled, said that didn't know what to reply, or even how to properly help, but was constantly reminding that he was very fond of me, that I could call him anytime and that everyone in the group really likes me and would like me to participate. The night after, I texted him saying that it would be for the best that I didn't participate in anything anymore (in a very convinced manner). He just understood, answered in a way that it seemed he didn't take that seriously.
I'm not in their WhatsApp group anymore, and didn't participate in the last meeting, last weekend. The "childhood friend" I mentioned messaged me that day compeling me in a funny way. Honestly? I was high on morphine and didn't pay much attention. The thing now is: they do care about me, we are friends by a long time, and I always am the one who fuck up everything. Not that I induce fights or similar, but I overthink everything, my mind is both a blessing (for being creative etc) and a curse (mostly), I am always the one who need to vent or simply share utopic ideas, when they all just wanna have fun. Sometimes I think that they would be better without me, but... just a tiny bit.
My life... is good right now. I have fun with silly things, like putting my ear close to a cup of coke so I can clearly hear the gas popping. My health is alright, I have a stable family relationship and a good routine. I used to binge read this forum and in some occasions it made me less suicidal, if anything (well, I created an account initially to try and recover, so it makes sense I guess). Reading about people in really horrible situations whereas I'm doing great, very beautiful topics like https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-hate-men.205161/ (I mean it, the way people replied it and they all respectfully achieved a consensus) and some users like @Dejected 55 whose I relate so much.
So yeah, I'm giving myself another hiatus. Will be online next couple of days to see eventual replies. My next step is to muster up the courage to say sorry to my friends. And don't know if I would be able to properly explain myself, let alone if they would understand. Maybe isn't even necessary. Just reconciliate with them and stop being such a pussy lol. Why should they forgive me, anyway? I never gave a second chance to anyone who wronged me, or even someone I simply thought it was annoying and boring. Wow look at me overthinking again.
My CTB can wait, I already have everything necessary, SN is very stable and can be stored for years while sealed. I'm not picky for a method, I can even source everything for the DDMAPh, hehe. Sometimes I think I just have an weird obsession with suicide. It's not even an intense feeling. Some friends of mine having "anxiety attacks" while I not even came close to this. I'm most of the time a laidback person, with few worries, not many ambitions (not saying this in a derogatory way), and like I said, overall my bad feelings (or thoughts) are not intense, but just copious and mind numbing. I tend to overthink and more often than not it makes me stuck in inertia.
Edit: I even thought sometime that maybe I'm strangely rational (an old friend agreed on this), in a way it gets hard to organically undestand feelings or social cues, and that's why I have difficult in appreciate things and need to get through my way using logic and testing what seems good or not. My friends were not exactly holding me back from CTB, because of this very motive, but like I said, even using logic and not emotion, I can say for certain that those friendships are good, maybe too good for me. Anyway, honestly I will not delve deeper in this.
Edit 2: Just talked with my friend. Most likely, problem solved
This month has been a mess. The entire year up till now, actually. I barely worked, now I'm kinda worried about money again, oops. Some cool stuff happened here and there. Anyway, this month in particular was eventful, because I put the most thought on my demise. Last few days my mind has been very active, trying to establish a good logical chain, albeit sometimes is painfully hard to be rational, especially with all these conflicting ideas. That being said, what actually happened?
First days of the month I tried to be closer with a... friend of friend, if I can say so. Someone I saw very sporadically. I was kinda worried because overall I tend to not get close [as a friendship, especially with many mutual friends] with someone of the opposite gender (will not talk about details here and now), and moreover, I'm naturally someone who tends to get tired of most social connections (the classic ambivalence of pushing others away but craving for someone close, yeah). But anyway, things were running fairly smoothly, then my group of friends started to schedule some meetings, I can't explain exactly why, but I felt a mix of discomfort with... some other unexplainable feelings. Kinda disconected to the group, feeling like an intruder, things like that. And hey, after some "self-knowledge" instrospections, I must admit that I have a bad habit, I "like" to see they insisting for my presence and then talking how I was missed. Very twisted way to cope with my own neediness. One day, I unpretentiously saw then on a Discord server voice call, and then entered, they didn't bothered at first, and I didn't say anything. But then, I decided to meddle in. My mind... was off. I made somewhat edgy comments, silly remarks and it all just seemed so awkward. Three friends of mine were participating, a very close friend, a childhood friend I barely talk to, and the girl I mentioned before. My close friend sounded somewhat personally offended by the situation, my other friend didn't make heads or tails of anything and the girl called me "stupid". Well, it's actually commom to friends to call themselves names, but not in a serious manner, and I'm used to it. In this case specific, I'm not saying it was to strictly offend me, but given all the context, the uncorfotable situation I brought and my at the time vulnerable mind, made me feel really bad about this. After they left, I asked my close friend to call me, and I talked a lot, I even slipped some of my suicidal ideations. He was baffled, said that didn't know what to reply, or even how to properly help, but was constantly reminding that he was very fond of me, that I could call him anytime and that everyone in the group really likes me and would like me to participate. The night after, I texted him saying that it would be for the best that I didn't participate in anything anymore (in a very convinced manner). He just understood, answered in a way that it seemed he didn't take that seriously.
I'm not in their WhatsApp group anymore, and didn't participate in the last meeting, last weekend. The "childhood friend" I mentioned messaged me that day compeling me in a funny way. Honestly? I was high on morphine and didn't pay much attention. The thing now is: they do care about me, we are friends by a long time, and I always am the one who fuck up everything. Not that I induce fights or similar, but I overthink everything, my mind is both a blessing (for being creative etc) and a curse (mostly), I am always the one who need to vent or simply share utopic ideas, when they all just wanna have fun. Sometimes I think that they would be better without me, but... just a tiny bit.
My life... is good right now. I have fun with silly things, like putting my ear close to a cup of coke so I can clearly hear the gas popping. My health is alright, I have a stable family relationship and a good routine. I used to binge read this forum and in some occasions it made me less suicidal, if anything (well, I created an account initially to try and recover, so it makes sense I guess). Reading about people in really horrible situations whereas I'm doing great, very beautiful topics like https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-hate-men.205161/ (I mean it, the way people replied it and they all respectfully achieved a consensus) and some users like @Dejected 55 whose I relate so much.
So yeah, I'm giving myself another hiatus. Will be online next couple of days to see eventual replies. My next step is to muster up the courage to say sorry to my friends. And don't know if I would be able to properly explain myself, let alone if they would understand. Maybe isn't even necessary. Just reconciliate with them and stop being such a pussy lol. Why should they forgive me, anyway? I never gave a second chance to anyone who wronged me, or even someone I simply thought it was annoying and boring. Wow look at me overthinking again.
My CTB can wait, I already have everything necessary, SN is very stable and can be stored for years while sealed. I'm not picky for a method, I can even source everything for the DDMAPh, hehe. Sometimes I think I just have an weird obsession with suicide. It's not even an intense feeling. Some friends of mine having "anxiety attacks" while I not even came close to this. I'm most of the time a laidback person, with few worries, not many ambitions (not saying this in a derogatory way), and like I said, overall my bad feelings (or thoughts) are not intense, but just copious and mind numbing. I tend to overthink and more often than not it makes me stuck in inertia.
Edit: I even thought sometime that maybe I'm strangely rational (an old friend agreed on this), in a way it gets hard to organically undestand feelings or social cues, and that's why I have difficult in appreciate things and need to get through my way using logic and testing what seems good or not. My friends were not exactly holding me back from CTB, because of this very motive, but like I said, even using logic and not emotion, I can say for certain that those friendships are good, maybe too good for me. Anyway, honestly I will not delve deeper in this.
Edit 2: Just talked with my friend. Most likely, problem solved
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