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HandfulofBasil

HandfulofBasil

New Member
Jul 10, 2024
3
I've been having a really tough time with my family. Like really rough. A few days ago my mom kind of force me to have a conversation with everyone that I Did Not Want To Have about me being trans and how I feel like I'm not accepted by them and one of the things my grandmother said was that I'm FORCING them to try and adopt my """new""" identity and I could not fucking believe what I was hearing. I purposely took being misgendered every fucking day for 2 fucking years because I didn't want to have to deal with push back and further confirmation that my family doesn't give a shit about me, who I am, or making me feel comfortable in a place I'm supposed to call home. To add insult to injury they had the fucking gull to tell me I can talk to them about this without my mom needing to be there as a buffer when they have done Nothing to prove that and EVERYTHING to make it seem otherwise. Nothing that has been said or done to me in the history of my openly being trans has EVER resulted in me thinking that I can be open to them about my feelings on the matter without feeling like even more shit when it's over. I didn't even get to end the conversation on my own terms, my mom interjected and ended things when I mentioned cis people because the term was something new to her and it was "too much for her to take in" But in the end my grandparents agreed to try to use my pronouns and correct themselves if they slip up. Barely. In actuality it's not even that. My grandfather himself only promised to just use my name in place of any pronouns as if I have none. That's not right at all and they fucking know it but they don't care. Not that it fucking matters because the properly gendering me thing only lasted for a few hours. A few fucking hours, not even the rest of the day. By that night they were back to she/her-ing me with no attempt at correction.

And then the past few days they've been having issues with my siblings but I get fucking dragged into it because they keep telling my mom "your children are lazy bastards", lumping us all together while I'm right fucking there. They don't fucking understand how hard I'm struggling, they never will. I have to focus most my attention and energy into going to work and going to school because if I don't I will go back to a state where I'm barely functioning, but when I do what I can to clean around the house but it's never enough. They always have something to complain about when I try and it fucking tears me me down inside. And when I got home from work there was a note on the fridge with a slew of ludicrous rules with the add on "if you can't follow these rules, please leave". I'm so fucking worn down mentally I'm just running on fumes at this point. I've had to stop watching one of my favorite channels on YouTube because he covers bizarre medical cases and all I can zero in on is ways to cause serious harm to myself. Everyday they do or say something to me that makes me think "I'm going to fucking kill myself" and every time it become less and less of a joke. I know for certain that if I stay here I'm going to start seriously considering making another attempt. And with a mix of knowing I can't rebound from it failing like I did in high school and having access to things I didn't before, that really isn't something I should be dwelling I need to get the fuck out of here but I have no where to go and it feels like I'm fucking suffocating. It's starting to get to the point where as a warm body or a cold one doesn't matter to me, I just need to permanently get out of this situation. Truthfully the only things stopping me are the inability to guarantee CTB and the inability to guarantee it's easy enough to get through without being scary.
 
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