Venting I'm beyond worthless..

[voidreverse1982]

I'm just wasting resources.. space.. oxygen.. food.. and so much more.. and I don't do anything useful, not doing anything productive for society, just spending my days slowly rotting by my computer screen.. Nobody wouldn't even shed a tear if I died here, and nobody ever would.. Life is so meaningless and worthless.. Why should I bother rotting to death and delay the inevitable..? But even I am more worthless than life.. I'm worth less than food and the things I waste.. keeping me alive isn't worth it.. The world is better without me.. Everytime I eat food, drink or breathe, I'm actively harming plants, animals, others, and the world.. No matter how hard I try, I can't ever have any worth whatsoever.. I don't matter to the human race.. I don't have any potential nor do I matter.. I am a waste.. I shouldn't even have existed in the first place.. I was a mistake.. I'm the result of contraception failure.. My parents are delusional for spending so much money, time and efforts on raising something as insignificant as me.. I'm nothing but a worthless piece of shit, a disgusting vermin, so, so insignificant and pathetic, so disappointing that would be better off dead.. Wait, no, I'm not worthless, that's not right, actually.. I'm less than worthless.. Even a bag of garbage or an ant is infinitely times more valuable than I could ever be.. Even death is too kind for me.. I don't deserve that relief.. I can see why I'm still alive and suffering.. it is because I deserve this.. I deserve living life this way..

 

[avalokitesvara]

ouch, i'm so sorry you feel this way. i won'y try and give you platitudes to try and get you to change your mind. sometimes i feel this way about myself too. especially about wasting food and resources on this miserable life. however i do know i don't always feel like this about myself, so i'll say i hope your mood changes and you have a bit of relief from this crushing self-loathing. i think it's also very brave to be able to express thoughts like this. it makes me feel less alone to know i'm not the only one. so that's a little bit of worth right there, thank you

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel bad too for the amount I consume and the waste I generate. Ultimately though- I don't feel entirely responsible. It was our parents that decided or mistakenly brought us here. Maybe with the hope that we would become well adjusted, contributive members of society. That was never a guarentee though and really- they shouldn't have expected so much. (In my view.)

I suppose it's just accepted because people do it- generation after generation but when you closely examine it: When parents have a child, they are creating an expectation on them to succeed in a highly competetive world. If they're lucky, they'll be good at and enjoy subjects that are needed and well paid for. In part- our genes and upbringing have a huge influence over that. Things our parents absolutely knew about and chose for us. They also ought to be aware of the multitude of illnesses their children could pick up that will screw things up for them and they ought to be prepared for that too.

If contribution to society seems so important- look at some of the disgraced CEO's that have contributed (in some ways at least.) They're at the top of their game? Right? They generate millions for the economy and themselves. Consider the CEO's of Boeing during the Max crashes and those of DuPont during the C8 scandel. You could argue that those CEO's KNOWINGLY contributed to the likelihood (and reality) of 1000's of premature cancers and deaths. I imagine they've killed a lot more people than you have! They're massively successful on paper and they've been rewarded no doubt hansomely by their shareholders for mass murder effectively! Are you sure you really want to contribute to this world? Asides of course not wanting to be a burden on your parents- which is honourable.

As a side note, I do work but my job generates lots of pretty toxic waste. A lot of the time, I think that is a very unbalanced gain. It's more of a loss to the planet but ultimately, I'm not sure it would make a great deal of difference if I did something else. I'd happily choose to die now but that would deeply upset my Dad which feels more real than being yet another person contributing to the total carbon footprint.

Most industries generate waste. Care jobs- which you could envisage are very altruistic generate loads. New gloves for every patient to avoid cross contamination. Tons and tons of clinical waste incinerated every day. Yet- who could say that wasn't an honourable- maybe the most honourable profession? I really don't think it's that simple anymore- unfortunately. Even if you did work, you'd be generating waste most likely.

 

[CogitoMori]

I feel like I wrote this. I'm also the result of contraception failure and can't shake the guilt every time I consume something physically or financially.