RealLostSoul
once rock bottom, always rock bottom
- Oct 11, 2019
- 211
I'm fucking back :(. I was on this forum about 2 years ago or so, or 1 and a half, eventually, I quit it though because my life had been improving. I finally was able to pursue medical studies which I always wanted, I finally had a real plan to undergo surgery to change my body dysphoria (CLL). I even had a date for it, late June so in about a bit over a month.
However, I can't do it.
As if a higher power knew how to stop me, I had a very very very bad stroke of fate 3 days ago. Fate and destiny once played out against me. It made me realize how much more important it is than me being trapped in the wrong body. I can't do it anymore. I can't do the surgery like this. In general, I think it isn't even worth it like this. I have been in deep depression for many years. Tomorrow is my birthday. I can't fall down and endure another hellish period anymore. Currently, I am spamming xanax into me because of insane muscle cramps in my stomach and chest from this trauma 3 days ago. Actually, it happened last week but I was told on Sunday evening when my mother came home. Funny how in one moment life is okay-ish and I am on the best way to finally escape mental illness for goods and then the next moment you are doomed. Honestly, in hindsight, I should have been more grateful when I was okay. It's at least something. Now I have to take medication again but I am not going to be pulled in. I want a pointe to all of this. Something that makes it worth it at the end. I will not live with this anymore. My plans are clear. The aspect that I am back on this forum will give of what I mean.
Fuck life.
However, I can't do it.
As if a higher power knew how to stop me, I had a very very very bad stroke of fate 3 days ago. Fate and destiny once played out against me. It made me realize how much more important it is than me being trapped in the wrong body. I can't do it anymore. I can't do the surgery like this. In general, I think it isn't even worth it like this. I have been in deep depression for many years. Tomorrow is my birthday. I can't fall down and endure another hellish period anymore. Currently, I am spamming xanax into me because of insane muscle cramps in my stomach and chest from this trauma 3 days ago. Actually, it happened last week but I was told on Sunday evening when my mother came home. Funny how in one moment life is okay-ish and I am on the best way to finally escape mental illness for goods and then the next moment you are doomed. Honestly, in hindsight, I should have been more grateful when I was okay. It's at least something. Now I have to take medication again but I am not going to be pulled in. I want a pointe to all of this. Something that makes it worth it at the end. I will not live with this anymore. My plans are clear. The aspect that I am back on this forum will give of what I mean.
Fuck life.
