DyingToDie123
she/her
- Oct 25, 2023
- 379
It's been about 4 months since I was last here. Things were tolerable in the interim, not "omg I'm so glad I stuck it out" great but, like, not "I urgently have to die" bad either. Just surviving.
I had a friend group that filled the void of SaSu for me for that time. It was formed out of a self-injury support group so we all had our own mental health stuff going on so people could relate albeit I think I was the only one who had an intent to ctb in the medium-term. Then shit started to hit the fan. I burnt out into a depression, started trying to reach out to the group to get support, was usually ignored, felt more depressed, felt more inclined to reach out, and it just became a vicious cycle where I felt depressed and didn't really have much support to fix it.
So that drove me to start on a few attempts. I tried argon again twice, aborted both times, then eventually decided to give that away since I don't think there's enough gas for an attempt in there anymore because I've tried so many times. I tried partial but continue to be too much of a wimp to put the right amount of pressure on. So I started to look into OD, which I know is one of the least effective ways to die but at this point I just needed something that was actually doable for me. So at one point I decided I was going to try to work my way up to a lithium overdose a few pills at a time, but I started to feel shit at 2400mg so I chickened out. And then I did a stupid thing and told my friends about this. They welfare checked me, which, sorta fair (but not until the next day, because I didn't respond to someone's text for ~30 minutes and apparently that concerned them even though I expressed and had no intention to do anything to myself that day, which is the part, or at least one of the parts that bothers me). But the group environment had stopped feeling supportive well before that so that seemed like a good excuse to cut contact with the group as a whole. I'm still considering trying to stay friends with some individuals although it doesn't seem like they want to stay friends with me, which, also fair.
I'm at my parents' house for Easter break. I'm thinking about ctb'ing after, maybe ODing on lithium and/or tylenol before jumping off the suicide bridge in my town so that the fear of the pain and health consequences from overdose drives me to have the courage to jump. Because deep down I really do think it's the rational choice for me, and I get closer and closer each time, it's just this goddamn SI that gets in my way. (And thoughts about the pain I'd cause my mom, but at this point, I don't think it's fair to me to have to endure life just for her.)
So anyway. That's where I'm at.
I had a friend group that filled the void of SaSu for me for that time. It was formed out of a self-injury support group so we all had our own mental health stuff going on so people could relate albeit I think I was the only one who had an intent to ctb in the medium-term. Then shit started to hit the fan. I burnt out into a depression, started trying to reach out to the group to get support, was usually ignored, felt more depressed, felt more inclined to reach out, and it just became a vicious cycle where I felt depressed and didn't really have much support to fix it.
So that drove me to start on a few attempts. I tried argon again twice, aborted both times, then eventually decided to give that away since I don't think there's enough gas for an attempt in there anymore because I've tried so many times. I tried partial but continue to be too much of a wimp to put the right amount of pressure on. So I started to look into OD, which I know is one of the least effective ways to die but at this point I just needed something that was actually doable for me. So at one point I decided I was going to try to work my way up to a lithium overdose a few pills at a time, but I started to feel shit at 2400mg so I chickened out. And then I did a stupid thing and told my friends about this. They welfare checked me, which, sorta fair (but not until the next day, because I didn't respond to someone's text for ~30 minutes and apparently that concerned them even though I expressed and had no intention to do anything to myself that day, which is the part, or at least one of the parts that bothers me). But the group environment had stopped feeling supportive well before that so that seemed like a good excuse to cut contact with the group as a whole. I'm still considering trying to stay friends with some individuals although it doesn't seem like they want to stay friends with me, which, also fair.
I'm at my parents' house for Easter break. I'm thinking about ctb'ing after, maybe ODing on lithium and/or tylenol before jumping off the suicide bridge in my town so that the fear of the pain and health consequences from overdose drives me to have the courage to jump. Because deep down I really do think it's the rational choice for me, and I get closer and closer each time, it's just this goddamn SI that gets in my way. (And thoughts about the pain I'd cause my mom, but at this point, I don't think it's fair to me to have to endure life just for her.)
So anyway. That's where I'm at.
There's almost always a bystander effect where everyone's job (to be caring and supportive) is nobody's job. I shouldn't take that personally but I do because of who I am as a person 
, which is why I think it was best for me to leave.
