MysticPerception
I'm back and I'll still smile for you
- Dec 31, 2019
- 1,252
I'm finally home after my wild gamble. I'm going to detail how things played out and if anyone wants to ask me questions about it feel free to do it here. I suggest you do it here instead of PMing me so other people don't ask the same questions over and over. Anyways here's how things played out:
After making my thread and going to sleep to fast I woke up on time. After waking up I ate two tylenol and then 30 minutes later I ate one tums. 30 minutes after that I said my supposedly possibly final words then poured and drank my SN. Not an exact time frame as it took me about 10 minutes to pour it and get to drinking it finally. It tasted like pool water. I mean like if you have ever accidentally got pool water in your mouth it's like swallowing multiple swallows of that. It was awful, like insanely bad. The taste still haunts me so yeah. Pinching my nose helped me get it down though so for anyone having trouble with the taste try that I guess. A few seconds later after drinking it my stomach started to hurt like hell. It was as if I dropped a hot coal into my stomach and it was just there and there was nothing I could do it about it. Oddly enough I waited while doubling over in pain and talking to @Jean4 and @Kirbster and kept thinking I'll throw it up I'll throw it up then I'll drink more if I have to. I did not throw up. I didn't throw up, instead I got extremely dizzy. I then panicked because I realized I'm clearly not ready yet(thanks Kirbster) and decided to call 911 while dizzy. I told them where I live and they picked me up and took my SN away with them. I told them what it was what I had drinken said I had tried to kill myself over the phone and in person confirmed what I said and then while they were taking me away in the ambulance I promptly passed out.
It was nothing. It was pure pitch black nothingness. The closest thing to oblivion a complete black out with no thoughts or feelings. It's as if time had stopped yet I hadn't realized it anyway. I felt nothing, I thought nothing, it was actually fairly peaceful. Then I woke up clearly in the ICU surrounded by my family who kept batting away my hand as I tried to reach for the mask that had tubes going down my throat. Being in the ICU was horrible not gonna lie. Luckily I soon after got a room and was able to think things through properly and say I need help/want help to the psychiatrist assigned to me. I told them all about my gamble(I in fact had to repeat this countless times) I admitted to buying SN before as a back up plan in case everything goes to hell, a last resort if you will. Luckily they believed me as I was telling the truth and thought hiding things would just overly complicate the help I needed. I was in the hospital for about 5 days then I was moved to a psychiatric hospital/ward whatever you get it. I was brought at night so it was actually hell. There was nothing to do, there was one tv and it was off and I had two roommates that were already asleep and one of them snored so loud I thought he was going to rob me of all possible sleep. Luckily after that hellish nightmare everything was fine. I made some friends, got some medication, and while I was bored I was still in an infinitely better spot compared to before. It's amazing what a little medication and time away from everything can do for someone who has never bothered to even try in the past.
Anyway all that to say I'm much better now. I don't plan to ctb in the forseeable future and hopefully ever if I can keep feeling at least fine. I thought for sure after telling two different people I was dialing 911 everyone would know I made it. My phone was actually right next to me when I did it so yeah that worked out. Here's the funny parts though. I admitted to multiple people I should have just checked myself into a psych ward to save myself some time and trouble and get this, my meto arrived 3 days after I did it. 3 days! What the heck, it was nowhere near where I live last I checked. I got completely screwed over in that regard and missed the package so they put a pink slip despite leaving everything else at my door in the past. Here's the other funny bit, no one was going to come home. Everyone didn't realize or know I was suicidal and didn't expect it. Had I not called 911 on myself I would be dead. 10 more minutes and I would have been toast. I was very dizzy when the ambulance arrived so I would have just passed out despite the pain no problem left alone. At least things worked out in the end. My gamble was successful but I don't plan on doing that ever again. Next time I'll just ask for help the normal way. Or more like, everyone knows I need help now so hopefully the chance doesn't feel the need to present itself and I continue to not think suicidal thoughts as I have been lately. While I am a bit disappointed there are people I won't be able to see for a while yet I'm still content with the fact that I'm alive right now and don't intend to let things in my life stay the same as they were before I made my attempt.
If you have any questions for me like I said please ask them here as a PM is just going to lead to more of the same PMs.
After making my thread and going to sleep to fast I woke up on time. After waking up I ate two tylenol and then 30 minutes later I ate one tums. 30 minutes after that I said my supposedly possibly final words then poured and drank my SN. Not an exact time frame as it took me about 10 minutes to pour it and get to drinking it finally. It tasted like pool water. I mean like if you have ever accidentally got pool water in your mouth it's like swallowing multiple swallows of that. It was awful, like insanely bad. The taste still haunts me so yeah. Pinching my nose helped me get it down though so for anyone having trouble with the taste try that I guess. A few seconds later after drinking it my stomach started to hurt like hell. It was as if I dropped a hot coal into my stomach and it was just there and there was nothing I could do it about it. Oddly enough I waited while doubling over in pain and talking to @Jean4 and @Kirbster and kept thinking I'll throw it up I'll throw it up then I'll drink more if I have to. I did not throw up. I didn't throw up, instead I got extremely dizzy. I then panicked because I realized I'm clearly not ready yet(thanks Kirbster) and decided to call 911 while dizzy. I told them where I live and they picked me up and took my SN away with them. I told them what it was what I had drinken said I had tried to kill myself over the phone and in person confirmed what I said and then while they were taking me away in the ambulance I promptly passed out.
It was nothing. It was pure pitch black nothingness. The closest thing to oblivion a complete black out with no thoughts or feelings. It's as if time had stopped yet I hadn't realized it anyway. I felt nothing, I thought nothing, it was actually fairly peaceful. Then I woke up clearly in the ICU surrounded by my family who kept batting away my hand as I tried to reach for the mask that had tubes going down my throat. Being in the ICU was horrible not gonna lie. Luckily I soon after got a room and was able to think things through properly and say I need help/want help to the psychiatrist assigned to me. I told them all about my gamble(I in fact had to repeat this countless times) I admitted to buying SN before as a back up plan in case everything goes to hell, a last resort if you will. Luckily they believed me as I was telling the truth and thought hiding things would just overly complicate the help I needed. I was in the hospital for about 5 days then I was moved to a psychiatric hospital/ward whatever you get it. I was brought at night so it was actually hell. There was nothing to do, there was one tv and it was off and I had two roommates that were already asleep and one of them snored so loud I thought he was going to rob me of all possible sleep. Luckily after that hellish nightmare everything was fine. I made some friends, got some medication, and while I was bored I was still in an infinitely better spot compared to before. It's amazing what a little medication and time away from everything can do for someone who has never bothered to even try in the past.
Anyway all that to say I'm much better now. I don't plan to ctb in the forseeable future and hopefully ever if I can keep feeling at least fine. I thought for sure after telling two different people I was dialing 911 everyone would know I made it. My phone was actually right next to me when I did it so yeah that worked out. Here's the funny parts though. I admitted to multiple people I should have just checked myself into a psych ward to save myself some time and trouble and get this, my meto arrived 3 days after I did it. 3 days! What the heck, it was nowhere near where I live last I checked. I got completely screwed over in that regard and missed the package so they put a pink slip despite leaving everything else at my door in the past. Here's the other funny bit, no one was going to come home. Everyone didn't realize or know I was suicidal and didn't expect it. Had I not called 911 on myself I would be dead. 10 more minutes and I would have been toast. I was very dizzy when the ambulance arrived so I would have just passed out despite the pain no problem left alone. At least things worked out in the end. My gamble was successful but I don't plan on doing that ever again. Next time I'll just ask for help the normal way. Or more like, everyone knows I need help now so hopefully the chance doesn't feel the need to present itself and I continue to not think suicidal thoughts as I have been lately. While I am a bit disappointed there are people I won't be able to see for a while yet I'm still content with the fact that I'm alive right now and don't intend to let things in my life stay the same as they were before I made my attempt.
If you have any questions for me like I said please ask them here as a PM is just going to lead to more of the same PMs.
