I’m at the edge.

[AngrySoul]

I don't think I'll have a future. I'm so stupid to be picking a subject in school that I can barely remember. I am resorting to Amazon to get hired, and anybody who can pass a drug test can get that. I've been looking at my resume, noticed the lack of references and networking, and I'm 26 now after 6 jobs later in the span of 4 years... I'm such a fucking idiot cause of my anti-social behavior, and now I'm hearing the chances of networking in Amazon are low to none. So what's gonna happen when I'm 30...? Assuming I can even hold this job.

I don't have any support. My mom sees me as a loser, my father has grown very elderly and has his own issues, the only person I loved turned out to be a predator looking for a kill trophy...that means they wanted me to kill myself for their own sadistic pleasure.

I just feel so...alone and lost. I've been drinking gin cause I can't find comfort in anything else anymore. I've been researching suicide methods, and while at first I was hesitant on which method...I feel desperate and don't really care if I hurt myself permanently...being brain dead might be better than being conscious of all...this.

I'm crying like a bitch...

The suicide hotline can't help me... I've been hospitalized about 5 times now...been on many medications...none of it helped. I'm still the same crying 11 year old boy who wanted to kill himself cause he hated the world.

I...don't know what to do anymore.

 

[S like Siren]

It's ok...you are not alone.I'm sorry for what you are going through but don't be hard on yourself ... you are neither an idiot nor a failure.Don't believe what they tell you or what you read... the chances of you getting the job may be low but you never know.This moment of desperation will pass and it will get just a little better. Take some deep breaths and send your resume to amazon even if you have doubts.I know you are in pain now and I am very sorry ... but please don't do rash things ... take your time also to find a method and decide on a plan in case you really want to ctb. But give yourself some more time. ..maybe Amazon hires you and you can start over with a new life.

 

[AngrySoul]

It's ok...you are not alone.I'm sorry for what you are going through but don't be hard on yourself ... you are neither an idiot nor a failure.Don't believe what they tell you or what you read... the chances of you getting the job may be low but you never know.This moment of desperation will pass and it will get just a little better. Take some deep breaths and send your resume to amazon even if you have doubts.I know you are in pain now and I am very sorry ... but please don't do rash things ... take your time also to find a method and decide on a plan in case you really want to ctb. But give yourself some more time. ..maybe Amazon hires you and you can start over with a new life.

The thing that has me so stressed is what happens after Amazon. I want to get into IT but I can barely remember what I learned cause I'm in a fast program where each class is 5 weeks, so even when I pass, I don't retain that information and I've been working at the same time so I'm not broke while studying. Things got worse financially when I started having medical issues and thats what lead me to Amazon eventually after getting rejected after interviews from other jobs and updating my resume where I noticed my huge problem with networking with other people, and I've been told I'll have little to no networking in Amazon itself. I feel so stupid for being antisocial and for choosing this program and even choosing this job to pay my bills, it feels like I'm just making one mistake after another mistake and I'm gonna be in a hole I cant get out of or never have a place I can call a home. My current ctb are falling and exit bag, but I'm getting desperate where hanging and OD may be another set of plans.

 

[S like Siren]

The thing that has me so stressed is what happens after Amazon. I want to get into IT but I can barely remember what I learned cause I'm in a fast program where each class is 5 weeks, so even when I pass, I don't retain that information and I've been working at the same time so I'm not broke while studying. Things got worse financially when I started having medical issues and thats what lead me to Amazon eventually after getting rejected after interviews from other jobs and updating my resume where I noticed my huge problem with networking with other people, and I've been told I'll have little to no networking in Amazon itself. I feel so stupid for being antisocial and for choosing this program and even choosing this job to pay my bills, it feels like I'm just making one mistake after another mistake and I'm gonna be in a hole I cant get out of or never have a place I can call a home. My current ctb are falling and exit bag, but I'm getting desperate where hanging and OD may be another set of plans.

At the moment you have so many emotions and worries that do not make you think clearly and i understand you.When you'll enter in Amazon ... face day by day, do not be worried by now.You think that starting the job can be of some help to improve the condition where are you now?You have to go forward in small steps

 

[AngrySoul]

At the moment you have so many emotions and worries that do not make you think clearly and i understand you.When you'll enter in Amazon ... face day by day, do not be worried by now.You think that starting the job can be of some help to improve the condition where are you now?You have to go forward in small steps

I don't know if it'll be help or more discouraging. I'm basically hoping things go well and I can pay my bills that medical issues have raised.

 

[S like Siren]

I see...i'm very sorry for what are you going through and for your medical issues :(...i really hope things will go better for you and that this job could change your situation

 

[AngrySoul]

I see...i'm very sorry for what are you going through and for your medical issues :(...i really hope things will go better for you and that this job could change your situation
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Even then. My student loans. If I dont get a real job... I'm not gonna have a choice..age 27 is the deadline...why is time moving so quick man...

Today I went to Target and heard there was a guy that threatened people with a gun. I wish I was there. I wish I could have been there to get shot or follow him to steal his gun and use it. Fuck me, why the fuck was I late to that....fuck

 

[S like Siren]

Even then. My student loans. If I dont get a real job... I'm not gonna have a choice..age 27 is the deadline...why is time moving so quick man...

Today I went to Target and heard there was a guy that threatened people with a gun. I wish I was there. I wish I could have been there to get shot or follow him to steal his gun and use it. Fuck me, why the fuck was I late to that....fuck

There is a lot of pressure and a lot of stress ... I understand and I'm very sorry ... time passes quickly ... fuck if it passes quickly!But the job in Amazon could be a start

 

[Makko]

the only person I loved turned out to be a predator looking for a kill trophy...that means they wanted me to kill myself for their own sadistic pleasure.

Is there a background to this, if you care to talk about it?

 

[FuneralCry]

This life can be very exhausting. It is hard when we get desperate and feel hopeless. People can be cruel, I get that. I hope things get better for you, I wish you well.

 

[SuicideRun]

It also happens to me to see everything black to breathe only ashes, to want to disappear instantly, a devastating physical pain. Try to relax for a moment and take stock. Try to tackle e one day at a time. I know these are just stupid words that you have heard many times, but try. I feel great what you feel on my skin. There are loving people here who will never judge you.

 

[HideUnusualDecision]

Being anti-social, introvert is hard, I know that myself... But hell

>the only person I loved turned out to be a predator looking for a kill trophy...that means they wanted me to kill myself for their own sadistic pleasure.

if you survived being hurt that much by your loved one, I guess you aren't that easy to be taken down by anything else. Best wishes and good luck!