Venting I'm an egoist and a piece of shit honestly

[ElTopo]

I struggle a lot with an image of myself. Even though my experience (which I would describe as not too positive) I tend to tell this story to myself that despite my faults I'm inherently a good person, someone who bears a decent level of ethic in his life and is decently wise too.
Truth is when I look at it objectively I feel like I'm nothing but a egoist, I have a tendency of putting myself on a level of moral superiority to others, I lash out at people, I can't connect properly with them, I act out on a lot of stupid things. I talk behind backs sometimes and I try to get back badly at people who hurt me. I'm a very bad person and I don't know what to do about it, I want to die but I want to at least be a decent person in my soul before I go.
I believe in God, the afterlife and so on, but I'm not a proper follower of ethics I think, I bend stuff to my own pleasures and at the end I make it all about myself.
I don't even know how to be a better person, I did act somewhat courageously and altruistically when shit got heavy in my family, I try to be kind and understanding at work and so on.
But that's not enough, I'm still a very hateful and regretful person, and I understand that I am because I was hurt but that's not a justification, I should be acting to spare others of pain but deep down I have a need to inflict pain on those who are better off than me.
I literally don't know what to do, I don't even know how to start changing myself. I just want to be forgiven for what I am, and I want this all person, past and future to ne deleted from existence.

 

[leloyon]

*sees thread title*
Good.

 

[orpheus_]

The fact that you care about it proves alone that you're not a complete piece of shit tbh. People sometimes behave egoistically. That's a bit of our nature, to preserve one's wellbeing. Uh. I'm not a fan of it either. But I guess it's necessary sometimes.

I would argue it's possible that you're not such a big piece of shit as you think, and it's just depressive thinking. HOWEVER if you want to be a better person, there's always a chance for that. I'd say, allow yourself to feel whatever, but it's your actions that matter the most. Hate someone because they're doing better than you? Okay, whatever. Envy is a human thing. Just a reaction of your brain, not proof that you're bad.
Don't hurt this person. Let them live their life. And you're a decent human this way.
If you feel that you have done someone wrong, well try to fix what you can. And the rest - well, the past can't be changed, we can work with what we have.

I realize that the question of what is being "good" or "bad" is quite a philosophical one, and the answer depends on one's worldview, including whether they believe in God etc. But generally speaking I think that someone who doesn't want to hurt other people is already SOMEWHAT better. The fact that you care is good and you deserve to live. And the fact that you're trying is already a lot. You probably don't notice many good things you did, and it's impossible to be perfect.