Venting I’m an awful person and I should be dead.

[Mutilateme]

Really long story so just read if you wanna

(TW: Rape)

Back in July of last year me and my gf (at the time) decided to get high together. We had both just turned 18 and we were fresh outta high school. This was my second time and I didn't know too much about weed. We both took about 10mg each and went downstairs to build model kits together. Around 40 minutes later I started to feel the effects of the edible.

For context the first time i got high (i say i as weed does not affect them) we had sex together. I came into the second time expecting to have sex again. It was during a time when they weren't able to be as affectionate with me. Being my first relationship I took it as they didn't love me. They wouldn't wanna cuddle or kiss. Everything romantic that I tried seemed to just be something they didn't wanna do anymore.

I got desperate and self conscious and since then I haven't really gotten an explanation as to why they didn't wanna be affectionate anymore. I chalk it up to just mid relationship complications and not communicating properly with each other but I'm not really for sure.

Well getting back to it. I had started to feel the effects of the weed and I started to make advances on them. They didn't seem to care to much so I thought well they've always told me that I need to make them horny so I thought I just needed to try harder. Again they didn't wanna and were telling me no. I got pushy about it and I continued to try and eventually they gave in and we went upstairs.

I felt like it was wrong and I let them know quite a few times that we didn't have to and if they didn't wanna we'd stop right there. Understandably they felt as if they said they didn't wanna that I would have kept pushing. I should've stopped when it felt wrong and yet I didn't.

This is where my memory gets hazy but I'm gonna tell their account first. We got up to the bed and they told me they didn't wanna take their pants off. It would just be oral. Well we did that and then I started taking their pants off. They said no once and I said you want this and proceeded . And I went through with it.
I raped my girlfriend. They left the bed and they went and cried in the bathroom. They came back and they wanted to drive me home. I told them I wouldn't let them because they were high (they were not, weed does not work) and so I called my sister and they took me home.

My memory of these events is hazy. I only remember before and after. The in between is just a blur. But I believe their account is true. That I did do that. No matter what my intentions were the result was the same and I ruined the person I loved most.

It was weeks before I even knew what happened and when I figured out I broke down when I shouldn't have. I was not the victim and yet I was playing it like I was as destroyed as they were. They never used it against me and they barely even told me their story until recently. Our relationship was ruined and rightfully so. Even though that we wanted to stay together and we tried to make it work to the best of our ability.

I didn't know a lot a lot about relationships so I just thought that if we broke up and gave it some time maybe it would work out. Maybe they just needed time to heal separately, especially separately from the person that hurt them most.

We went no contact till about April of this year. And we seemed to be both interested in trying to make it work again. Long story short it didn't for obvious reasons. I hurt them badly and it wasn't really gonna work out. They lost all their trust in me because of what I had done.

They spent months hurting themselves. Being unable to look at themselves in the mirror. They lost their self worth and it was all my fault. I have become the thing I have hated. I did the something that I never thought I would ever do. I told them before it happened that nothing like that would ever happen to them by me. And it did.

I am an awful human being. We went no contact again so that they can get over me and focus on the relationship they have now.

I hate the people who cause crimes like this. Hell the only reason I exist is because my birth dad did it to my mom. I hated my birth dad for bringing that upon my birth mom and yet it still happened and I still did it.

I will never hurt as much as the pain I put upon her. I want to so badly just to suffer for the rest of my existence. I want the worst to come to me. I want to destroy myself. I'm a selfish, weak, disgusting subhuman.

Eventually after that happened all my family and friends were told about what happened. I admitted to my parents that I raped her and there was no ifs and buts. And for some reason nobody hates me. I mean nobody supports the action and when it comes up, they are quick to tell me I fucked up. But nobody hates me, nobody left my life. And it's just not fair. I don't deserve friends or family. And I don't deserve their support. I mean customers at work tell me what a good person I am and it's just not true, I'm tired of hearing it.

I mean my ex had trouble even getting people to believe them. They had trouble getting support from others. And it's just not fair.

Maybe that's the point. Maybe it's not supposed to be fair. I just don't understand why. If all actions have consequences then why am I not going through the worst pain of my life.

I should be in prison. I should be fucking dead. I should be living on the streets. And yet I'm not. They should have a restraining order on me and I don't. I feel like this is some kind of backwards punishment that I don't get the point of.

I did something that even a lot of shitty people don't do and I'm still just living my life normally. I had something great on my hands and If I had did my best to be better before we got together maybe things would've turnt out better. There's so many parts of my life that I should've been more adamant on fixing before we got together.

Soon after everything happened I continued to smoke weed and I got addicted to it. I should've stopped when I realized what happened and yet I fucking didn't. Then I spent half a year of my life alone and wasting away getting high. I've tried my best as of April to stay away from weed but everything hurts so bad and I keep coming back to it.

I mean the issue was my self control. And I've been having issues with that my entire life. I have issues stopping habits and so when something goes wrong I'm stuck in the past. It's not an excuse because like I said in a previous paragraph it still happened, and no matter what I could've worked on it more. I see people with awful medical conditions or brain damage do so much more to help themselves be better and be great people and I've simply done the bare minimum. It's pathetic

Is it a kick in the face that I'm even posting this? Should I have kept it to myself? I just feel like this might be really disrespectful to the people who've gone through this stuff. Maybe I just don't get the right thing to do till people let me know how dumb I am. What do I do to be the most respectful possible to everyone? And how do I share this stuff without coming off like I want people to pity me?

But anyways Thanks though for reading my pity me story. Maybe I just wanted people to see how much of a piece of shit I am. Maybe it's just for attention. And maybe it's best I don't get treated like shit because then I'm getting what I want. I'm genuinely not sure what the best way to go about myself is. I think the best that I'm gonna do for now is just distance myself from my friends and family as I don't deserve either. Either way I'm a subhuman and I shouldn't exist anymore. Everyone will be much better off without me. And I wouldn't be able to harm anyone anymore.

 

[stillvoices]

Hi, I've been raped before and if my abusers really felt bad about what they did I would tell them this, that if they really felt bad and wanted to change then go get professional help. Put everything on the table with a professional. Tell them all your thoughts and fears. Don't use any substances that could lower your tolerance to controlling yourself. You don't have to take any if this advice and it's not to make you feel better exactly in the beginning because it might feel worse in the beginning. But if I were the victim/ survivor I would feel better that the person who did it got help. To maybe spend the rest of your life doing things to help those who need help. If you truly feel bad I don't think you are bad. Things do happen and we make mistakes, some just vary in depth. Just because you see a professional also doesn't mean you'll face jail either. My ex-husband and I went to counseling and they didn't charge him. I don't recommend sexaholic anonymous though. That's a bad idea.I can't change how you feel about yourself and won't try but if I had gone through it I'd feel better knowing that the person who did it to me got serious help and not just said they were doing it because they felt bad but they Wanted to change. But that is completely up to you.

 

[Mutilateme]

Hi, I've been raped before and if my abusers really felt bad about what they did I would tell them this, that if they really felt bad and wanted to change then go get professional help. Put everything on the table with a professional. Tell them all your thoughts and fears. Don't use any substances that could lower your tolerance to controlling yourself. You don't have to take any if this advice and it's not to make you feel better exactly in the beginning because it might feel worse in the beginning. But if I were the victim/ survivor I would feel better that the person who did it got help. To maybe spend the rest of your life doing things to help those who need help. If you truly feel bad I don't think you are bad. Things do happen and we make mistakes, some just vary in depth. Just because you see a professional also doesn't mean you'll face jail either. My ex-husband and I went to counseling and they didn't charge him. I don't recommend sexaholic anonymous though. That's a bad idea.I can't change how you feel about yourself and won't try but if I had gone through it I'd feel better knowing that the person who did it to me got serious help and not just said they were doing it because they felt bad but they Wanted to change. But that is completely up to you.

I agree. I guess to me it's just that I've been trying to be a better person for years of my life now. I started being less lazy about it 2 years ago. And yet even now I thought I got so far and I didn't. I feel back at square 1. When we started talking again I tried my best to be an anchor for them. Be someone they can rely on. Be there for them. I put myself aside and I didn't let them see too much of my suffering because I wanted them to have more space to talk. And I thought we really got places. I definitely chased when I shouldn't have. But ya know I feel like I really tried this time. Maybe more than I should've. They let me know that I changed and I wasn't really the person they fell in love with. And to me that's like I've tried my hardest to learn and be better as a person and yet I'm still worse than who I was before we dated. I feel dumb for even thinking that there was a possibility that things could work. But I guess I was just really hopeful

Thank you for responding though. I appreciate you being willing to talk to me
I'm trying to convey all this stuff the best I can but it's a little hard because you guys can't like see into me and my exs brains.

 

[stillvoices]

Its difficult for all involved, especially since you do seem like you do feel bad and a lot don't try to make amends. Just so you can understand a little more and not to make you feel worse but when someone suffers a trauma and then have ptsd our brains are changed. We can no longer think or process things the same. Everything is perceived as a threat. If there was a scent or music playing or certain words were spoken they can cause a panic attack or to disassociate. She may have wanted to work things out but was bombarded with too much stimulus (sp?) I don't know her so I could be wrong but that is what I experienced. It isn't something that is easy to get over quickly unfortunately. I think if you were able to work as hard as you can on things you want to change about yourself that you can have a fulfilling life. I know it will be hard but you have come this far coming here. You can rebuild your life. She can too but it may look different from what you maybe were hoping for. For me to start healing I had to get away from them. I really appreciate that you acknowledge there is something you see wrong and want to change. That doesn't happen a lot and if it does they turn it into making it worse. I can see you turning your life around. Gives me hope for the world actually.