Venting I'm an absolute mess right now and so is the state of my mind.

[Emptied_soul]

I mentioned in another thread that my ex bf spoke to me again after months of no contact and told me he misses me, well yesterday we talked for a good 5-6 hours and everythin was great, i even sent him some pictures and he says i look really beautiful, i'm somewhat hopeful that things can be fixed (he dumped me because i messed up and i was a bad and toxic girlfriend) but my STUPID AND AWFUL overthinker brain is trying to mess with me by telling me that this will lead nowhere, that he probably deserves something better than me, i'm also trans so dysphoria makes me think that he deserves a real girl instead of me, and that even if things are looking good now i should give up, also because i'm an absolute anxious mess of a person i overthink about him just playing with me or that something bad will happen soon that will ruin everything forever.

I'm really tired of being constantly anxious, i'm tired of being an overthinker and i'm tired of always being pesimistic and i'm tired of the self loathing. If only there was a way to make my brain stfu and stop overthinking everything...

So even if things look "fine" now, i'm contemplating ctb because WHO says that this is going to end up well, why get my hopes up if in the end it leads nowhere?

I'm too tired, maybe i'll cry myself to sleep tonight and tomorrow i'll feel better and my overthinking will be eased but for now this is how i feel, i'm a fucking broken mess, childhood trauma completely ruined me and my self steem plus the trauma also made me become introverted as hell and the abandonment i suffered by "friends" turned me into a jealous, anxious and insecure girl.

Part of me wants to keep fighting to see if things improve but another part of me is telling me to give up and that this life cannot be fixed.


tldr: something good happened but my overthinking is ruining everything again and making me depressed.

 

[SexyIncél]

If you don't mind, I just read your history for more context

You got this! I'm glad for you!

I'm guessing you need people who'll go over these fears with you. I don't know if you can find a good therapist/counselor, one who'll listen and go through your thoughtscape together with you. Anything is possible, but sounds like the biggest threat now is your paranoias and fight-or-flight

If you two start spiraling slowly into love again, is there a way you can reassure him you understand you have this horrible overthinker brain, and are working on it? That you're on his side against your worst impulses? Is he capable of talking about such things, or is it hard for him to discuss? I don't know anything about him

Maybe this is a 2nd chance, this is huge