Venting I'm almost laugh-sobbing :')

[nzdarkshark]

Last night I attempted suicide - as some may know. I backed out because it doesn't seem suspension is the right method for me.
I awoke this morning feeling panicky - extremely panicky. On the walk to school, I was delusional - feeling as if either I wasn't real or the world around me wasn't. I couldn't decide which it was.
By the time I got to school (about 15-minute walk) - I was madly hyperventilating, feeling light-headed. My chest hurt like it had last night. My head was spinning.
I went to my first class - which I have alone - and the teacher wasn't there. I hyperventilated for around ten minutes until I decided: I can't stay here like this. I'm going to go see the deputy principal since the school counsellor isn't here today.
That was a mistake. I feel worse than I did before.

I told the DP everything (slowly..) - that I'd tried to take my life the night before, that I was shaky and dizzy and my chest hurt if I hyperventilated too harshly. I told him when. I told him how.
He contacted the counsellor through email - and she and him came to the conclusion.
Either they get my mum to come pick me up or I go back to class. I don't want to face my mum about this - she'll flip her shit emotionally. As me questions like 'do you really want to die' and will get even more upset if I say yes. She may start saying maybe she should die too then - shit like that. That's how previous self-harm attempt conversations went - I don't want to imagine what a legitimate suicide attempt conversation would be.

So I went back to class. They expect me to do 'as much work as I can manage'.
I'm still quivering. I'm still not ok. I've psychologically traumatized myself and they just give me those two options.
No 'should you go to the hospital to see if anything internally is wrong' (my chest?????)
No mention of a psyche ward. Just 'be picked up by mum' or 'go back to class and do work'.

So I'm sitting in the classroom writing this out. I was sure they would've taken this more seriously.
Guess not.

Guess I shouldn't expect more from 'professional' adults right?

 

[Final Escape]

Last night I attempted suicide - as some may know. I backed out because it doesn't seem suspension is the right method for me.
I awoke this morning feeling panicky - extremely panicky. On the walk to school, I was delusional - feeling as if either I wasn't real or the world around me wasn't. I couldn't decide which it was.
By the time I got to school (about 15-minute walk) - I was madly hyperventilating, feeling light-headed. My chest hurt like it had last night. My head was spinning.
I went to my first class - which I have alone - and the teacher wasn't there. I hyperventilated for around ten minutes until I decided: I can't stay here like this. I'm going to go see the deputy principal since the school counsellor isn't here today.
That was a mistake. I feel worse than I did before.

I told the DP everything (slowly..) - that I'd tried to take my life the night before, that I was shaky and dizzy and my chest hurt if I hyperventilated too harshly. I told him when. I told him how.
He contacted the counsellor through email - and she and him came to the conclusion.
Either they get my mum to come pick me up or I go back to class. I don't want to face my mum about this - she'll flip her shit emotionally. As me questions like 'do you really want to die' and will get even more upset if I say yes. She may start saying maybe she should die too then - shit like that. That's how previous self-harm attempt conversations went - I don't want to imagine what a legitimate suicide attempt conversation would be.

So I went back to class. They expect me to do 'as much work as I can manage'.
I'm still quivering. I'm still not ok. I've psychologically traumatized myself and they just give me those two options.
No 'should you go to the hospital to see if anything internally is wrong' (my chest?????)
No mention of a psyche ward. Just 'be picked up by mum' or 'go back to class and do work'.

So I'm sitting in the classroom writing this out. I was sure they would've taken this more seriously.
Guess not.

Guess I shouldn't expect more from 'professional' adults right?

Jeez! Yea this is modern society now. People who are supposed to pay attention or one would hope do not give a fuck. Yes this is a real thing. Plus strangers in general unless the incentives are good don't give a rats ass about your well being. They probably see this on the regular. Oh he's just suicidal no biggie, ok now go on back to class son. We hope u don't do it but if you do well we tried our best to care but we don't lol!

 

[MachineGunDani]

Oh boy! I'm sorry ur hurting, both mentally and physically. But telling anyone ur suicidal is usually not a good idea unless u want to get better and want the help! I can't imagine sitting thru school after all of that! <3 hugs

 

[Candour]

Because you're a minor the school have a legal obligation to tell your parents. They will do so regardless, the option they gave you is nonsense or you're speaking nonsense who knows? But, there is no way they would not be telling your parents after you just told them you attempted suicide.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Well, what was the outcome you wanted? I think most of us here would dread being shipped off to the psych ward. And it sounds like you had a panic attack or possibly experienced some depersonalization/derealization - unpleasant, but not serious in and of itself. Was it just about getting more personal attention or having someone to talk to? Either way, I hope you feel better soon.

 

[nzdarkshark]

Well, what was the outcome you wanted? I think most of us here would dread being shipped off to the psych ward. And it sounds like you had a panic attack or possibly experienced some depersonalization/derealization - unpleasant, but not serious in and of itself. Was it just about getting more personal attention or having someone to talk to? Either way, I hope you feel better soon.

I just needed to tell someone so I could potentially calm the fuck down. I was scaredm

 

[zadig777]

u dont want to die
stop doing that before u get anti-psychotic injected in u and leave u with permanent side effects possibly
or get poly drugged in psy ward
idk whats ur motive but i think u should stop visiting this site and continue with life
u had panic attack and anxiety thats the chest pain
i had it in past its anxiety and nothing more,dont bother going to doctor
take lorazepam 1mg pill every morning and night for 1 month and u will be ok

thats if u want to feel better and continue in life since ur in high school
i think people shouldnt support u about ctb since ur not 18 yet,but thats my thought

regards

 

[Deutschv2]

I really hope you don't end up in a psych ward. Trust me, those places are TERRIBLE. do NOT under any circumstances delude yourself into thinking it will help! please dont, i thought this and got stuck in one of those dumps, it was awful, i absolutely hated it, with that being said... if you want to avoid that prison, tell them something like you did it off impulse and won't ever do it again... good luck

 

[Deutschv2]

oh and if you think your emotions are too difficult to cope with ( ihad this problem) try SSRI mediciation it makes you numb and like a zombie so suicide comes easier but bewarned it's very changing to your being.

 

[nzdarkshark]

u dont want to die
stop doing that before u get anti-psychotic injected in u and leave u with permanent side effects possibly
or get poly drugged in psy ward
idk whats ur motive but i think u should stop visiting this site and continue with life
u had panic attack and anxiety thats the chest pain
i had it in past its anxiety and nothing more,dont bother going to doctor
take lorazepam 1mg pill every morning and night for 1 month and u will be ok

thats if u want to feel better and continue in life since ur in high school
i think people shouldnt support u about ctb since ur not 18 yet,but thats my thought

regards

I do want to die. Otherwise I wouldn't have had tried. I just picked the wrong method.
This site feels more home than my real home. Nothing will change that. I've tried to get better - it never helped.

And it's my desision. My pain is as real and as valid as a 20 year old. Age is just a number that reads how many years you've been on earth for. And even time is a man-made phenomena.

I really hope you don't end up in a psych ward. Trust me, those places are TERRIBLE. do NOT under any circumstances delude yourself into thinking it will help! please dont, i thought this and got stuck in one of those dumps, it was awful, i absolutely hated it, with that being said... if you want to avoid that prison, tell them something like you did it off impulse and won't ever do it again... good luck

I don't want to go to that place - I was just surprised as to how leisurely the teacher took the news.

 

[lv-gras]

hugs

 

[MachineGunDani]

I do want to die. Otherwise I wouldn't have had tried. I just picked the wrong method.
This site feels more home than my real home. Nothing will change that. I've tried to get better - it never helped.

And it's my desision. My pain is as real and as valid as a 20 year old. Age is just a number that reads how many years you've been on earth for. And even time is a man-made phenomena.


I don't want to go to that place - I was just surprised as to how leisurely the teacher took the news.

We love having u here! Glad u are!!

 

[willowtrees0]

I just needed to tell someone so I could potentially calm the fuck down. I was scaredm

I think people that have never been depressed. dont understand depression. I speak because I have been on both sides. I didnt have depression in school and I was taught that 'something was wrong' with people that had depression, or that it was a cry for attention. which couldnt be farther from the truth.

When I got depression for a brief moment I wanted to tell someone. I told my bf and its when i realized I really was all alone. he didnt understand anything I said and i realized he will never understand unless he has it. I could never explain what it feels like without looking crazy.

after that I never reached out again. I never brought it up and acted normal. I did start keeping a online journal. In there I have tried to explain a 100 times over how I feel. I havent decided if I will keep it for my family to one day find after im gone or if its better just to leave it for my thoughts only. but it really helped me with anxiety. You dont have to write a 5 page essay or write everyday. somedays I write 10 words and some days its 4 paragraphs. some days I write like Im talking to someone and it helps me so maybe you could give that a try.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

@nzdarkshark

recovery barrage incoming .... hard hats on !!!

I've read your post's several times on here and resist responding because : 'too hard basket "

why ? I'm not a parent , and have very little ,actually , nothing to do with 'youth'.

All I have are my memories of my own troubled younger days.

I wrote some stuff last night from my perspective as an old guy , ( I'm 55 ) , looking back on my life .


I wrote that I am now in the autumn approaching winter , and I realized why I feel so up tight about young people like yourself
really considering ending it all.

I wrote that my 'summer' was hot , arid and basically a drought .
My difficulties were a monster that laid waste to all the 'natural' healthy experiences of 'life'.

I had an unusual spring , my childhood and youth , a strange 'crazy making' upbringing.

The point is , at this stage , after allowing myself to slide out from under the addictions and low moods and all the inner terror ,
something has shifted ... it is shifting.

There has been no amazing turn around , just a quiet calming of the inner storm .

My inner storm came directly from the harsh spring of my life ... the harshness of things not adding up , not being fair or making sense .
The harshness of feeling all alone and unable to feel integrated into society at large .
A sense of separateness.


I said to another young poster here , months back . that it was good that they were posting here , in the sense that writing about your situation is a way forward , and a possible method of starting to get some processes of self acceptance about how different your world view is.

I am really saying that you are experiencing a harsh turbulent spring time , and asking that you can take it easier on yourself for feeling
unable to cope .

Adolescence is such a traumatic experience in itself I think - emerging from childhood towards adulthood , that any extra stressors ( difficulties with parents , school , cultural differences ,) are experienced as huge annihilating impacts.

I hope you can talk to your school counselor and continue to express yourself so that a narrative emerges that you can manipulate .
Gaining power by learning more about yourself and whats going on .

You are in the gorse patch it seems , but you can maybe slash some of that back and reduce the scratching ?

Maybe there are some possibilities for changing your near future and over the next few years that at the moment you don't know about , or seem too scary because you are feeling so bad now.

My best friends daughter is about 13 I think , so the idea that you are young like her really bothers me .


( I never accessed help early in my life , so everything just span out over years . I am hopeful that if you can continue to try and confront your difficulties , and test some possible alleviating processes , your spring time will improve.)

I really hope things improve for you .

I know this is a pro choice board , but all the rationalizations in the world about the equivalence of misery are in contrast to
the idea that young life is a harsh experience and can be 'grown out of ' ( I know you'll hate that phrase ! That's the torment of youth - to have the emerging adult critical intelligence growing in and out of the emotional transition from childhood to independence .)

Maybe ?

I don't know . Part of the deal is for you to find out .

Plenty of young folks may feel similar to you , but not that many are talking about it online ...that says something about you and how seriously you take your suffering . That is passion and commitment and of high value .

I am just suggesting that you can continue to develop some processes that can help you cope with your difficult spring.

 

[Schopenhauer]

I'm sorry to hear that. When I failed my first attempt I felt disoriented too. I wasn't too old, either.

It's usually a mistake to tell anyone about your true feelings. They won't understand it, and only make things worse. My best guess is that they thought you want attention (young females are always dismissed like this). That's why they acted nonchalantly.

In your age you'll have a hard time finding a good method. Most good methods require considerable funds, and a good place to do it. Hanging is the exception, but it wasn't the right one for you.

Anyway, we'll be around. You can always vent in these forums. Lots of people with similar experiences.

(By the way, don't put too much weight on my advice, I'm a suicidal introvert...)

 

[Sayo]

Hey OP. Whether suicide is right for you or not, since people keep bringing it up, you needed care in the moment. I'm sorry. It's obvious how you've been treated is disgraceful. I understand that people are bound by protocol, but those protocols often let people down when they can't go to their families. It's especially tough for you as a minor to seek treatment and have your confidentiality respected.

I hope your chest is ok. I agree with those saying you were likely depersonalised and derealised. Getting so close to death, never mind the feelings brought on by suspension, can be disturbing. And often it's the responses of those around us that make or break trauma.

I don't blame you for feeling let down.