![WearyHSP](/data/avatars/l/33/33624.jpg?1639624714)
WearyHSP
Student
- Dec 12, 2021
- 164
I have both heart-breaking sadness and rage at my family for ignoring and silencing me all my life (I'm old now - late 50s.)
It's a long story. I won't go into it, let's just say, something terrible happened to me when I was 7 and per flashbacks it was so bad, I begged them to kill me. My siblings didn't have that experience and since I didn't start having flashbacks until I was 30, they don't know anything about it, though it affects my every minute of every day. They don't ignore or silence each other or my Mom who is still alive, Just me. All of my life. In fairness my mother started the pattern with her required toxic positivity.
I'm often not invited to family holidays but I've been invited to Christmas. (Between the trauma and a disabling illness at age 35, I never created a family of my own.) I have constant internal rage about always being singled out as the scapegoat, not being cared about, being minimized and silenced.
I will try, as I always do, to remain silent and only ask others about themselves. Things go better when I don't talk. BUT, the rage is so ever present and constant it brings up pain when I'm around them, because of the long history and I can't help myself, and I let slip something about trauma or PTSD and they are silent and ignore me and it just feels worse.
Surely some people would say give up on them. If I had ANYONE in my life that would be easier to do. And, I'd like to see my nephews. I just have to find a way of either lying, which I'm bad at, or changing the subject when they ask how I am. I have no great things to share because I'm so sick that I have no quality of life. All I can talk about is tv and movies. (I mean, I have things to share, but they're all things they don't want to hear.)
I know advice likely won't help me, but some kind words or hearing from people in similar situations would. So weary of being the outsider.
It's a long story. I won't go into it, let's just say, something terrible happened to me when I was 7 and per flashbacks it was so bad, I begged them to kill me. My siblings didn't have that experience and since I didn't start having flashbacks until I was 30, they don't know anything about it, though it affects my every minute of every day. They don't ignore or silence each other or my Mom who is still alive, Just me. All of my life. In fairness my mother started the pattern with her required toxic positivity.
I'm often not invited to family holidays but I've been invited to Christmas. (Between the trauma and a disabling illness at age 35, I never created a family of my own.) I have constant internal rage about always being singled out as the scapegoat, not being cared about, being minimized and silenced.
I will try, as I always do, to remain silent and only ask others about themselves. Things go better when I don't talk. BUT, the rage is so ever present and constant it brings up pain when I'm around them, because of the long history and I can't help myself, and I let slip something about trauma or PTSD and they are silent and ignore me and it just feels worse.
Surely some people would say give up on them. If I had ANYONE in my life that would be easier to do. And, I'd like to see my nephews. I just have to find a way of either lying, which I'm bad at, or changing the subject when they ask how I am. I have no great things to share because I'm so sick that I have no quality of life. All I can talk about is tv and movies. (I mean, I have things to share, but they're all things they don't want to hear.)
I know advice likely won't help me, but some kind words or hearing from people in similar situations would. So weary of being the outsider.