Venting I'm a worthless coward

[borderline-feline]

I have no value in any way. I can't take care of myself. I'm not good at anything. I want to live on my own because I hate my father, but it's not an option. I can't even hold onto money. I just wanna die, and part of me wishes that I would just be murdered. The only thing unappealing about murder is that my death would be politicized.

I wish that my favorite person had complete control over my bank account as well as all of my activities (aside from what and when I eat). I just want to be his pet, because that's all that I can be. I shouldn't be viewed as a human. I just wanna be a housecat for my favorite person. I deserve to be his property instead of his girlfriend, but he doesn't want that.

I kind of want my favorite person to start hating me. He really should hate me. All I do is cause problems for him, but he still loves me for some reason. He deserves someone who can actually enrich his life. If he hated me, then I could actually bring myself to catch the bus, because the primary thing keeping me from doing it is that I can't bear to break a promise that I made to him, and I promised that I wouldn't kill myself or self-harm. I regret nothing more than that promise. I want him to hate me, but I can't make that happen because he'd leave me.

If he left me, then I'd make sure he knew about my death and regretted leaving me for the rest of his life. I'd want him to feel pain whenever any thought of me arose. I'd make him think that it was his fault. I want either to be his pet or be hated by him, but above all else, he can never leave me. I can't die without his permission because I belong to him. I'm already his property, no matter how he feels about that.

 

[Pancake]

I never intended to talk about my relationship on here. To me, it felt disingenuous. But I resonate with how you feel a lot, enough to make me want to share as well.

I feel undeserving of everything I have. I receive so much and never do anything of significance. I had someone I loved very much. They assured me that I wasn't worthless and undeserving, and I believed them. I could feel their interest in me begin to dwindle. It made sense, all I did was cause problems for them. I always thought they deserved something way more, but I never wanted them to leave me. It hurt a lot.

When they left me, I was so tempted to threaten self-harm. I wanted to tell them that I wouldn't be able to take it if they weren't there. I very nearly did, but I managed not to. I felt like scum for even thinking about hurting them. But even now, I fantasize myself dead and them terribly depressed for leaving me. I was theirs, completely and utterly, but I'm still here alone. I wish someone could just make me disappear.

At the very least, I have less things keeping me here and more reasons to... yeah...