I'm a terrible person and there is nothing for me here.

[illvoid]

I can't get over these feelings. Addressed cheating in an otherwise happy relationship in my last post but honestly, after reflecting, it's so much worse than that. I have very little empathy for others and I fear I never will. I've always had this constant feeling that I'm not a good person but I've never been self aware enough to truly believe it until now. I feel like my life is worth less because of this. Like it would be a good thing for the people around me if I just died already. I've hurt so many people I loved over the years, and I don't see myself ever stopping. I don't even know where to start. I honestly try to warn people about myself sometimes and they think I'm just being self deprecating but in reality I was having moments of clarity. Nobody ever believes me until I end up causing them harm too. I just don't ever see this cycle ending. I think I honestly might need to die.

 

[Kyrok]

Narcissists usually lack awareness. You're aware. And so, can't u change? Is it impulse control that's causing you to hurt others?

 

[illvoid]

Narcissists usually lack awareness. You're aware. And so, can't u change? Is it impulse control that's causing you to hurt others?

I don't know why I struggle so badly to change. I feel very self aware but almost like I'm stuck. I just don't think I have what it takes to actually get off my ass and better myself. I just dwell over it instead of trying to fix it.

 

[Kyrok]

We have windows in life where we can change. They come and go. Sometimes we can push ourselves, mostly though the windows come about beyond our control.

If it's impulse control, there are strategies. Books about it for example

 

[dialogos]

I can't get over these feelings. Addressed cheating in an otherwise happy relationship in my last post but honestly, after reflecting, it's so much worse than that. I have very little empathy for others and I fear I never will. I've always had this constant feeling that I'm not a good person but I've never been self aware enough to truly believe it until now. I feel like my life is worth less because of this. Like it would be a good thing for the people around me if I just died already. I've hurt so many people I loved over the years, and I don't see myself ever stopping. I don't even know where to start. I honestly try to warn people about myself sometimes and they think I'm just being self deprecating but in reality I was having moments of clarity. Nobody ever believes me until I end up causing them harm too. I just don't ever see this cycle ending. I think I honestly might need to die.

First dont condemn yourself. There are already enough people in the world who will do that to you so dont be one of them. You have periods of lucidity, that's great! Other people can't even accept their problems. So how can they ever solve a problem they can't see? But you're different. Its a small step forward but a leap in cognizance. You're not hopeless. Youre just growing as a person, nobody is perfect.

 

[CTBookOfLife]

Narcissist here. I know what you are feeling. I had that realization myself years ago. So, I'd like to say this:

Lacking empathy does not make someone a "monster" or someone that should "die to save others from being hurt," despite what people online say.

In my mind, every person deserves life (if they want it, obviously). Yes, actions are what you will be judged on, but they are not the end-all-be-all in many cases—or at least not in all cases.

The important thing is not to focus on what is "forgivable" and what is "unforgivable," but to focus on what you can do to be a better person.

You regret your actions? Great! You can learn from this!

Of course, it won't be easy or instant, and you may find CTB to be more appealing to you—and we cannot stop you from that—but as someone who's been in your situation, I politely encourage you to at least try.

CTBing may technically "save others from being hurt," but it will also prevent people who you have already hurt from seeing you grow and become a better person, one full of regrets, yes, but a better one.

Unless I misread your message, I'm assuming you have not told your boyfriend yet. If this is true, I beg you to at least tell him before doing anything as final as CTB. He deserves to know.

Feel free to go from there, but I do hope to take my words into account.

Always open to talk, privately or not.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

I used to be a lot like u as a youth. U might have a personality disorder. Don't beat yourself up so much, this is not an easy thing to live with. People who don't have these issues can't understand what it's like to deal with this and it is not easy to get help with it.

 

[SexyIncél]

Lacking empathy... the usual workaround is trying to surround yourself with people who can align with your goals. Structure everything so you're going downhill , according to your internal goals & impulses

Like the cheating thing. Maybe you could find a lovely cuck! (That is, someone who enjoys watching your romantic/erotic exploits like a porn movie.) Ideally, your partner is secretly one

Now, of course, you'll have to make little adjustments, because everyone has limits. Zero empathy, rational & control will suck; interpersonal competence is always useful. (This world punishes incompetence.) Even if you intuitively lack empathy, you can rational-think your way through it

 

[illvoid]

I used to be a lot like u as a youth. U might have a personality disorder. Don't beat yourself up so much, this is not an easy thing to live with. People who don't have these issues can't understand what it's like to deal with this and it is not easy to get help with it.

I had a therapist suggest I had symptoms of HPD when I was a teen but was too young to tell for sure. I now absolutely believe that to be true. I don't even know where I would start with treatment. No idea how to describe my symptoms, every time I look into it, it just talks about how those symptoms affect others and I have no idea how to describe them from my perspective. Makes me lose hope honestly. I feel unfixable.