Story I’m a suicide prevention public speaker & I’m going to ctb.

[NoEpoh27]

I'm going to try to keep this short. I've been chronically suicidal since the age of 8 years old. My first attempt was at age 11. I've been a suicide prevention trainer & public speaker for about 4 years now. At the beginning of this year I survived an overdose attempt because my self-preservation kicked about an hour after taking the meds & I took myself to the ER. I spent 3 months in treatment.

The whole time I kept telling them, once I get out I'm going to do it. They thought I was crazy or lying when I told them that suicide was the most viable & rational option for me, as if "life" has some deep meaning. It doesn't. If I'm trying to make any other decisions, therapists will say to make a pro/con list. When I do that for my life, the cons far outweighs the pros. Dying is the most viable option for me.

I'm scared to survive another attempt. My life was already shit, but the attempt ruined it beyond repair. I've been looking for reliable methods and think I finally found what's going to work for me. Going to rehearse tonight, might go through with it. If not, the end is still coming. I wanted to post this because it may be the last thing I do.

 

[hmskms]

i keep saying shotgun to the brain stem is the best method. control is yours up until the moment you pull the trigger.

 

[DeadlineDialer]

Hey, I saw you on all the threads about jumping, so I'm assuming that's your method. Respect, I may be going that same route, so I can relate to the feelings of anxiousness you must be going through. You sound like a very good person, you understand suffering and have tried hard to alleviate that from others, that is commendable. That is so much more than can be said for mental health "activists" and many professionals in the field. I'm sorry that in spite of all of that, it couldn't ease your own pain, sounds like it only pushed you further to these lengths. I'm truly sorry you feel this, no one should, it's really not fair for people like us. I can only hope you can find peace in your final moments and decision, if you're down to talk with a fellow jumper, my messages are open. Take it easy, no matter what you do, don't stress it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry for where life has brought you. I guess I'm curious though. A suicide prevention speaker- when you were suicidal yourself? That's interesting. Was it because you felt like you had overcome it at that point and wanted to help others to do the same?

 

[Foreverix]

I'm sorry for where life has brought you. I guess I'm curious though. A suicide prevention speaker- when you were suicidal yourself? That's interesting. Was it because you felt like you had overcome it at that point and wanted to help others to do the same?

I find myself curious about this as well.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that when the time is right for you to leave, you find the freedom you search for. Best of luck with your plans.

 

[NoEpoh27]

I'm sorry for where life has brought you. I guess I'm curious though. A suicide prevention speaker- when you were suicidal yourself? That's interesting. Was it because you felt like you had overcome it at that point and wanted to help others to do the same?

My message was always that it's okay to have these thoughts & that you're not alone. But also, that suicide is only preventable if we make life more livable. I did a lot of advocacy work, trying to improve the services we have available like opening peer respite houses so people who are feeling suicidal can have a place to stay over night around people who also have suicidal thoughts without the risk of being hospitalized. I was even on one of the teams that helped implement the new 988 hotline in the US, because they wanted to have people with "lived experience" put in their two-cents on what's helpful to someone who is having suicidal thoughts and looking for support. I never felt like I recovered & I didn't claim to be either because that is unrealistic in my eyes. I would talk openly about how I still have suicidal thoughts & that it's okay to think about it.

I think I've just been trying to improve the systems, services, & the world around me to create a place that I think is worth living in. But over time I've realized that's not possible. Sure, I can make small changes, but overall I came to realize that nothing I do will make the world a place I want to live in. I gave it an honest shot.

 

[Forever Sleep]

My message was always that it's okay to have these thoughts & that you're not alone. But also, that suicide is only preventable if we make life more livable. I did a lot of advocacy work, trying to improve the services we have available like opening peer respite houses so people who are feeling suicidal can have a place to stay over night around people who also have suicidal thoughts without the risk of being hospitalized. I was even on one of the teams that helped implement the new 988 hotline in the US, because they wanted to have people with "lived experience" put in their two-cents on what's helpful to someone who is having suicidal thoughts and looking for support. I never felt like I recovered & I didn't claim to be either because that is unrealistic in my eyes. I would talk openly about how I still have suicidal thoughts & that it's okay to think about it.

I think I've just been trying to improve the systems, services, & the world around me to create a place that I think is worth living in. But over time I've realized that's not possible. Sure, I can make small changes, but overall I came to realize that nothing I do will make the world a place I want to live in. I gave it an honest shot.

Sounds like you did a lot of good. That kind of thing sounds far more useful than being involuntarily committed and forcefed drugs.

 

[EternalShore]

Thank you for efforts at reforming the system! ^_^ Praying for you :) And see ya (maybe)! hehe~ It's your choice whether you go after all~

 

[Meditation guide]

My message was always that it's okay to have these thoughts & that you're not alone. But also, that suicide is only preventable if we make life more livable. I did a lot of advocacy work, trying to improve the services we have available like opening peer respite houses so people who are feeling suicidal can have a place to stay over night around people who also have suicidal thoughts without the risk of being hospitalized. I was even on one of the teams that helped implement the new 988 hotline in the US, because they wanted to have people with "lived experience" put in their two-cents on what's helpful to someone who is having suicidal thoughts and looking for support. I never felt like I recovered & I didn't claim to be either because that is unrealistic in my eyes. I would talk openly about how I still have suicidal thoughts & that it's okay to think about it.

I think I've just been trying to improve the systems, services, & the world around me to create a place that I think is worth living in. But over time I've realized that's not possible. Sure, I can make small changes, but overall I came to realize that nothing I do will make the world a place I want to live in. I gave it an honest shot.

I can't understand how you can want to commit suicide after spending so much time and effort to do things to prevent it. Please do your own research instead of asking for details on how to ctb. Or, as an alternative, use some of those great resources you created!

 

[lwlaiet8887]

I can't understand how you can want to commit suicide after spending so much time and effort to do things to prevent it. Please do your own research instead of asking for details on how to ctb. Or, as an alternative, use some of those great resources you created!

Because he's not happy as stated? Man was just doing his occupation. Many people who work in the care of others are not happy.

 

[Foreverix]

Please do your own research instead of asking for details on how to ctb. Or, as an alternative, use some of those great resources you created!

I've read the few posts they have and am not finding any evidence that they're on here asking for method details to any extent. People have listed methods here, but they weren't requested.

 

[leavingsoon99]

This was interesting and refreshing to read. It lets me know that I'm not alone... nor crazy. My life is irreparably damaged as well. I gave hope a try so many times. I actually pursued a career as a minister earlier on in my life. I was still suicidal. In fact, religion is one of the things that strengthened my suicidality. I've always wanted to create some kind of "safe space" for truly suicidal people. Not to prevent it, but to help them along the way. Listening ears. To some extent, even resources if peaceful, painless methods just can't be provided. Counseling on overcoming the fear. I wish people didn't want to impose living on others because of their belief of life being sacred. I really hate humans for that.

I wish you luck and love, whatever you choose to do.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry for where life has brought you. I guess I'm curious though. A suicide prevention speaker- when you were suicidal yourself? That's interesting. Was it because you felt like you had overcome it at that point and wanted to help others to do the same?

There was a suicide prevention initiative founded by a woman called the Semicolon Project (semicolons as a punctuation mark indicating that the sentence isn't over). You can look it up. She ended up competing suicide.

Life can take different twists and turns and sometimes the feelings fade, but other times they catch up to you.

 

[Forever Sleep]

There was a suicide prevention initiative founded by a woman called the Semicolon Project (semicolons as a punctuation mark indicating that the sentence isn't over). You can look it up. She ended up competing suicide.

Life can take different twists and turns and sometimes the feelings fade, but other times they catch up to you.

That's a really good name for a suicide prevention initiative. I wonder what the best punctuation mark would be for an assisted suicide clinic. Maybe:

.
... (if you believe in an afterlife.)
! (If it's some sort of protest/statement.)

But yeah- I much prefer the idea of an assisting organisation run by people who know what it's like to be suicidal. Like here really. I prefer genuine support to guilt trips, condescending attitudes, bullshit platitudes and artificial drugs.

Not that I've been in a psyche ward but I've been put in touch with a helpline after that whole IC SN business and they just made me feel worse! It would be funny if they weren't actually relied on by people to help them.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

That's a really good name for a suicide prevention initiative. I wonder what the best punctuation mark would be for an assisted suicide clinic. Maybe:

It should be named

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I can't understand how you can want to commit suicide after spending so much time and effort to do things to prevent it. Please do your own research instead of asking for details on how to ctb. Or, as an alternative, use some of those great resources you created!

I think their approach to suicide prevention was extremely meaningful and nuanced. It wasn't just "don't do it." It was more about understanding why people want to commit suicide and what needs to change in order to truly help them. It doesn't sound like they were out there trying to restrict methods or telling people they were wrong for feeling that way.

That's an approach I think most of us can get behind. I don't want people to be suicidal. I don't want to be suicidal myself. But I am. Other people are. If I had a platform to enact meaningful change, I would. I want people to have the right to ctb, but I also want fewer suicides. I want fewer suicides because I want for people to have better lives.

When I was teaching, I led anti-suicide efforts because I hated seeing so many young people end their lives. The OP's work seems far more meaningful and impactful than anything I ever did.

I can understand why, even after all those efforts, life has still brought them to a point where they want to ctb. I'd never begrudge them that.

 

[Meditation guide]

I think their approach to suicide prevention was extremely meaningful and nuanced. It wasn't just "don't do it." It was more about understanding why people want to commit suicide and what needs to change in order to truly help them. It doesn't sound like they were out there trying to restrict methods or telling people they were wrong for feeling that way.

That's an approach I think most of us can get behind. I don't want people to be suicidal. I don't want to be suicidal myself. But I am. Other people are. If I had a platform to enact meaningful change, I would. I want people to have the right to ctb, but I also want fewer suicides. I want fewer suicides because I want for people to have better lives.

When I was teaching, I led anti-suicide efforts because I hated seeing so many young people end their lives. The OP's work seems far more meaningful and impactful than anything I ever did.

I can understand why, even after all those efforts, life has still brought them to a point where they want to ctb. I'd never begrudge them that.

I am so bloody tired of simply wanting to die and not having a way to do it that someone who is going out of their way to prevent that and then doing it themselves seems ... I don't have a nice word for it. I hope you see what I mean.

 

[never mind me]

I wish you all the best no matter how you decide. May you find peace, if you go through with your ctb attempt. Or else that you find happyness in your life. But I can understand that you're tired after trying to get better for so long. But I think it's still good you tried, so at least you know that you did all you could to have a chance in life even if it didn't work out for you. And I think it is nice that you tried to help others with suicidal thoughts. I don't think it is a contradiction to believe that in many cases it's worth it to give life another chance when you have suicidal thoughts, but that people still have the right to end their lifes and that in some cases it might even be the most rational way to act.

 

[MidnightCat]

I can't understand how you can want to commit suicide after spending so much time and effort to do things to prevent it. Please do your own research instead of asking for details on how to ctb. Or, as an alternative, use some of those great resources you created!

He tried to make the world a little better.
He has done more than many of us will do. He tried to help those WHO WANTED HELP.

He did nothing wrong. We might be suicidal but suicide is not always the best answer. It may very well be for some people, but not everyone.

He did not asked for methods, so please, do your own research before being toxic to other members.

To the OP:
I hope you find peace, wherever it may be.

 

[Meditation guide]

I think their approach to suicide prevention was extremely meaningful and nuanced. It wasn't just "don't do it." It was more about understanding why people want to commit suicide and what needs to change in order to truly help them. It doesn't sound like they were out there trying to restrict methods or telling people they were wrong for feeling that way.

That's an approach I think most of us can get behind. I don't want people to be suicidal. I don't want to be suicidal myself. But I am. Other people are. If I had a platform to enact meaningful change, I would. I want people to have the right to ctb, but I also want fewer suicides. I want fewer suicides because I want for people to have better lives.

When I was teaching, I led anti-suicide efforts because I hated seeing so many young people end their lives. The OP's work seems far more meaningful and impactful than anything I ever did.

I can understand why, even after all those efforts, life has still brought them to a point where they want to ctb. I'd never begrudge them that.

It seems reasonable that if you want to commit suicide then you should be allowed to, legally and peacefully. To yourself be suicidal without any peaceful easy way to do that ... any way you're right I guess she was trying to help people but from where I am right now I just cannot get behind the idea of trying to stop anyone who wants to ctb. I'm angry we all have to go through this and can't just be allowed to have support as we do it.
If she wasn't trying to stop them then I was wrong, I thought she was. I know it's tragic that young people want to commit suicide and wish they didn't, or the solution was to get them help and therapy and medications, and maybe those things do help some of them. I'm in a space right now though that all of that seems not only futile but cruel. So maybe I misunderstood her due to my own anger at the predicament I myself am in right now.

 

[dazed_dreamer]

Thank you for the work you have done. It is meaningful, to be an advocate it that way. Even if you didn't see the systemic change you hoped for during your time, I'm sure individual suicidal people found comfort in your message, and inspiration in seeing someone who got it be in such a motivational role and advocate on y'all's behalf.

I want to ask, if you don't mind answering--how did you get into that line of work? And what do you think could be done now within it to make things better at all--both small, realistic goals and more broad reform? I am interested in pursuing this as a career as well, so I'd love the insight from another suicidal person who tried it out. I really enjoy your idea of peer respite housing, did that idea go anywhere?

 

[Eegretfrex]

This reminds mw of the story about "Pagliacci the clown" from the "Watchmen" comic series.

 

[Gleysson]

I wonder what the best punctuation mark would be for an assisted suicide clinic. Maybe:

Their competitor:
Today!

Slogan:
It's not "if", but "when"!

I'm going to try to keep this short. I've been chronically suicidal since the age of 8 years old. My first attempt was at age 11. I've been a suicide prevention trainer & public speaker for about 4 years now. At the beginning of this year I survived an overdose attempt because my self-preservation kicked about an hour after taking the meds & I took myself to the ER. I spent 3 months in treatment.

The whole time I kept telling them, once I get out I'm going to do it. They thought I was crazy or lying when I told them that suicide was the most viable & rational option for me, as if "life" has some deep meaning. It doesn't. If I'm trying to make any other decisions, therapists will say to make a pro/con list. When I do that for my life, the cons far outweighs the pros. Dying is the most viable option for me.

I'm scared to survive another attempt. My life was already shit, but the attempt ruined it beyond repair. I've been looking for reliable methods and think I finally found what's going to work for me. Going to rehearse tonight, might go through with it. If not, the end is still coming. I wanted to post this because it may be the last thing I do.

My friend.

You are an amazing human being. You tried to make things better. If you feel it's your time to rest, rest proud that you did make the world a better place. You did some change. Your presence here made the world better.


You'll go on forward, but your actions will remain. Thank you for being you and doing this.

 

[MidnightCat]

It seems reasonable that if you want to commit suicide then you should be allowed to, legally and peacefully. To yourself be suicidal without any peaceful easy way to do that ... any way you're right I guess she was trying to help people but from where I am right now I just cannot get behind the idea of trying to stop anyone who wants to ctb. I'm angry we all have to go through this and can't just be allowed to have support as we do it.
If she wasn't trying to stop them then I was wrong, I thought she was. I know it's tragic that young people want to commit suicide and wish they didn't, or the solution was to get them help and therapy and medications, and maybe those things do help some of them. I'm in a space right now though that all of that seems not only futile but cruel. So maybe I misunderstood her due to my own anger at the predicament I myself am in right now.

I feel you, and I'm sorry you're going through this.

OP worked in a suicide hotline, one does not call there if it doesn't want help to try to avoid ctb, there's no obligation there, it's not a mental ward.

That being said, it's sad that suicide is that heavily banned everywhere, it just make it more painful for us. I think there should be legislation on a reasonable level for doctors to help us ctb.

It may very well be something along the lines of: you try X, Y, Z. Still suicidal? Well.. we'll give you N in a hospital.


Unfortunately that is only being done in a few select places.

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

NoEpoh27
I agree with Gleysson.
You are a wonderful person.
If you still have hope, if you see a chance - don't give up.
If everything is hopeless in your situation... I wish you a painless exit.