Venting I’m a selfish jerk

[DeadD]

My girlfriend just graduated college and I'm in our room feeling sorry for myself. I feel physically and mentally ill all the time. The only thing keeping me stable was weed, which I can't afford anymore. I'm either puking or quietly crying now. Or pretending I guess.

It always ends up about me and how I'm depressed. It's almost like I'm cursed, and I'll have a terrible day when she's had one of the best of her life. We should be celebrating HER, but I can't keep my face on long enough. She notices when I start to reach critical levels. The whole voice quaking and shaking thing. I feel like a pethedic idiot.

It doesn't help that I'm basically a dead beat. I make like 500 a month and I have no future prospects. I'm 26 and still act like a stupid child. If we weren't friends in childhood, we probably wouldn't be together. Her view of me wouldn't be skewed by memories of when I was a better person.

and then I'm going to kill myself, which will kill her too. I know I can't live like this for another decade. I barely made it through this one. Again, I'm being a selfish prick. Knowing that it will destroy her while still planning on doing it. I just don't want to be in so much pain anymore

I had a six month period where everything was great. I thought I had beaten it. Then it came back. Hard. I don't know if I could ever feel that again, because if it does, I'll be too afraid of when it's goig to get hideous again.

Insert more selfish bullshit here. I have more to vent but I'm scared she'll catch me

 

[LoNatural]

check out a book called "notes from underground", It helped me a lot with selfishness, resentment and guilt

 

[Rollo]

If she respects you then she wouldn't expect you to pretend you're happy when you're depressed. Regardless of what's going on in her life. To pretend you're happy to please someone is a clear cut toxic unselfishness so there's no reason to try to do it. And you're saying you're not pulling it off anyway.