I'm a failure and too much of a coward to try and fix it

[psykotiskt]

I've completely fucked up school and is most likely failing my last year of high school as we speak. I know i won't be able to finish my work on time, i'm too depressed and preoccupied with suicidal thoughts to concentrate or even get out of bed some days. I just want to die so badly.

I hate myself for having done this so much and i'm scared of telling my parents (or anyone). I know that they'll be disappointed and angry with me. They'll think i'm a failure. I shouldn't be struggling so much, my life has been perfectly okay and yet i've been having these thoughts and impulses for so long now that i don't even recognize myself without them. I should've said something four months ago when i started to feel bad again but i just can't bring myself to and i never used to say anything to them and it always turned out fine. It doesn't feel like it'll turn out fine this time though. I'm so scared of what they'll say to me if i tell them and i'm so scared of getting help and wanting to live again. The prospect of telling anyone that i'm struggling is so scary that i'd rather commit suicide than having to deal with the consequences and aftermath.

I hate the fact that i can't solve this on my own and that i need help. It makes me feel weak. I don't want anyone's pity. Beyond that though, i don't even know what i will do once i'm better. I've fucked up my life too much. I can't even graduate fucking high school for gods sake! Like how stupid am i. I feel so dumb and worthless. My life has no value and i add nothing to this world. I can't even apply my mind to something as simple as finishing the bare minimum of school required for a shit life, not a super shit life. I just can't see a future anymore, i've fucked everything up too badly and i don't know how to untangle it. Everything is just pushing me closer and closer to committing and i'm going to buy rope this thursday once i get paid. I think my time is running out and i'm not sure if i can stop myself. For once in my life i'm not sure i want to stop myself, either.

This post is such a mess, i'm just rambling but i needed to get it out somewhere and i honestly don't know what to do.

Edit: Forgot to put a god damn flair on this '-' I'm sorry!

 

[Macc Lad]

I've completely fucked up school and is most likely failing my last year of high school as we speak. I know i won't be able to finish my work on time, i'm too depressed and preoccupied with suicidal thoughts to concentrate or even get out of bed some days. I just want to die so badly.

I hate myself for having done this so much and i'm scared of telling my parents (or anyone). I know that they'll be disappointed and angry with me. They'll think i'm a failure. I shouldn't be struggling so much, my life has been perfectly okay and yet i've been having these thoughts and impulses for so long now that i don't even recognize myself without them. I should've said something four months ago when i started to feel bad again but i just can't bring myself to and i never used to say anything to them and it always turned out fine. It doesn't feel like it'll turn out fine this time though. I'm so scared of what they'll say to me if i tell them and i'm so scared of getting help and wanting to live again. The prospect of telling anyone that i'm struggling is so scary that i'd rather commit suicide than having to deal with the consequences and aftermath.

I hate the fact that i can't solve this on my own and that i need help. It makes me feel weak. I don't want anyone's pity. Beyond that though, i don't even know what i will do once i'm better. I've fucked up my life too much. I can't even graduate fucking high school for gods sake! Like how stupid am i. I feel so dumb and worthless. My life has no value and i add nothing to this world. I can't even apply my mind to something as simple as finishing the bare minimum of school required for a shit life, not a super shit life. I just can't see a future anymore, i've fucked everything up too badly and i don't know how to untangle it. Everything is just pushing me closer and closer to committing and i'm going to buy rope this thursday once i get paid. I think my time is running out and i'm not sure if i can stop myself. For once in my life i'm not sure i want to stop myself, either.

This post is such a mess, i'm just rambling but i needed to get it out somewhere and i honestly don't know what to do.

Edit: Forgot to put a god damn flair on this '-' I'm sorry!

Hope you can get some help mate......talk to your parents , you might be suprised!

 

[headinghome]

I've completely fucked up school and is most likely failing my last year of high school as we speak. I know i won't be able to finish my work on time, i'm too depressed and preoccupied with suicidal thoughts to concentrate or even get out of bed some days. I just want to die so badly.

I hate myself for having done this so much and i'm scared of telling my parents (or anyone). I know that they'll be disappointed and angry with me. They'll think i'm a failure. I shouldn't be struggling so much, my life has been perfectly okay and yet i've been having these thoughts and impulses for so long now that i don't even recognize myself without them. I should've said something four months ago when i started to feel bad again but i just can't bring myself to and i never used to say anything to them and it always turned out fine. It doesn't feel like it'll turn out fine this time though. I'm so scared of what they'll say to me if i tell them and i'm so scared of getting help and wanting to live again. The prospect of telling anyone that i'm struggling is so scary that i'd rather commit suicide than having to deal with the consequences and aftermath.

I hate the fact that i can't solve this on my own and that i need help. It makes me feel weak. I don't want anyone's pity. Beyond that though, i don't even know what i will do once i'm better. I've fucked up my life too much. I can't even graduate fucking high school for gods sake! Like how stupid am i. I feel so dumb and worthless. My life has no value and i add nothing to this world. I can't even apply my mind to something as simple as finishing the bare minimum of school required for a shit life, not a super shit life. I just can't see a future anymore, i've fucked everything up too badly and i don't know how to untangle it. Everything is just pushing me closer and closer to committing and i'm going to buy rope this thursday once i get paid. I think my time is running out and i'm not sure if i can stop myself. For once in my life i'm not sure i want to stop myself, either.

This post is such a mess, i'm just rambling but i needed to get it out somewhere and i honestly don't know what to do.

Edit: Forgot to put a god damn flair on this '-' I'm sorry!

You know how people are always saying you're more than just your body… Well I'm telling you you're more than just your mind and you're more than just your emotions… Take your body out into nature run and scream if necessary… Try to put those negative thoughts on hold you can always revisit them...no one is telling you to get rid of them I'm just asking you to make room for thoughts that might allow you some peace. I'm sure you can find someone to talk to you about this… You are too young to give up… There are too many things to experience that are fun and exciting and good… No one should be deprived of a life .. i'm sorry you're suffering and feeling this way I hope that you find peace.

 

[psykotiskt]

Hope you can get some help mate......talk to your parents , you might be suprised!

Thank you.

I just can't bear the shame of telling them. I feel like such a failure and i don't want to be a disappointment to anyone. I just know in my heart how deeply disappointed they'll be in me. They're the type to put academics above almost everything and now their own daughter can't even graduate high school. I don't want them to have to live through having a failure of a child.

You know how people are always saying you're more than just your body… Well I'm telling you you're more than just your mind and you're more than just your emotions… Take your body out into nature run and scream if necessary… Try to put those negative thoughts on hold you can always revisit them...no one is telling you to get rid of them I'm just asking you to make room for thoughts that might allow you some peace. I'm sure you can find someone to talk to you about this… You are too young to give up… There are too many things to experience that are fun and exciting and good… No one should be deprived of a life .. i'm sorry you're suffering and feeling this way I hope that you find peace.

I know i have things to live for, but the shame of my failure is too much to bear. I can't tell anyone and i cant fix it by myself. It's a bit of a dilemma.

I've been depressed and suicidal on and off for years anyways. I guess this is just the breaking point since i now have fucked up my future as well.

 

[headinghome]

Thank you.

I just can't bear the shame of telling them. I feel like such a failure and i don't want to be a disappointment to anyone. I just know in my heart how deeply disappointed they'll be in me. They're the type to put academics above almost everything and now their own daughter can't even graduate high school. I don't want them to have to live through having a failure of a child.



I know i have things to live for, but the shame of my failure is too much to bear. I can't tell anyone and i cant fix it by myself. It's a bit of a dilemma.

I've been depressed and suicidal on and off for years anyways. I guess this is just the breaking point since i now have fucked up my future as well.

Many people fail at things… And some fail multiple times.... no one is perfect… Even though I always felt like I wanted to be… But we aren't… We're human!!!! this is what we do this is what humans have always done… I know it can cause depression but don't let it take your life… I'm sure you have strength- that you don't even know you have you don't have to conquer everything in one day… Just find someone you can talk with… You don't even have to put the idea of killing yourself out of your mind… I know at least for myself I try to find one thing that I can do that will distract me at least for a minute and that's what you need to do find someone sympathetic that you can talk with… For the moment use your body and not your emotions…

 

[NotSure]

High school is typically the most depressing time of peoples lives. It's not easy being thrusted into the "real world" and feeling like you're lost. Even if you don't graduate this year, there are plenty of options. GED and retaking a year are just a couple. You just have to set yourself some goals and make sure they're attainable. Start small. I was depressed and entertained suicide until I was about 24. Trust me when they say, "it gets better" because it does. Don't worry about failing your parents, they will still love you, I promise. Just talk when you're ready and do all that you can to be better until then

 

[Escaper Boy]

I was considering what's best to write to you. As a college dropout, I felt tempted to engage in pity party and shower you with "empathy". I decided that such thing would not be productive in this situation.

Please allow me to be blunt instead.

Do you really want to live? Do you really want to save your future? Take a deep breath and think about it deeply. Tell your depression to shut up. Let your mind and clear logic answer the question instead of using your emotion.

If you agree that your future is worth saving, consider what I said carefully.

Not finishing school means death.

It's literally a matter of life and death. If I finished my university, I wouldn't be here on SS. I didn't finish it due to same reason as you. Depression.

I let my emotion controlled my destiny.

I let depression destroyed my future.

I let my fragile little heart to dictate how to act, what to do, when to fail.

Everything was my choice. Everything was my fault. No one was responsible except me.

If I can go back in time, I would choose to ignore my emotional fragile little heart. I would choose to stop putting my depression on pedestal. I would choose to get my priorities straight and listen to my logic instead of my "inner child".

Here is what my logic tells you.

1. You can repeat next year if you fail. It sucks but you still have another chance. One year delay is not the end of the world.

2. You can study and improve. If I can graduate high school, why can't you? It's not a rocket science. You're not launching space missile here.

3. Any incoming words/insults from your family are just that, words! You can choose to bear the shame, or you can choose to study again, and eventually you can graduate.

The bottom line is, it's very important to think practical in this situation. Stop entertaining the voice of depression. If becoming a mindless emotionless zombie is the only way to graduate, please pick that choice instead of giving up.

I already made my mistake. I didn't choose to become a mindless emotionless zombie. I chose to entertain my "inner child". I didn't graduate. And I paid the price now.

I don't want you to suffer the same fate. You can still save yourself. I believe in you.

 

[NotSure]

I was considering what's best to write to you. As a college dropout, I felt tempted to engage in pity party and shower you with "empathy". I decided that such thing would not be productive in this situation.

Please allow me to be blunt instead.

Do you really want to live? Do you really want to save your future? Take a deep breath and think about it deeply. Tell your depression to shut up. Let your mind and clear logic answer the question instead of using your emotion.

If you agree that your future is worth saving, consider what I said carefully.

Not finishing school means death.

It's literally a matter of life and death. If I finished my university, I wouldn't be here on SS. I didn't finish it due to same reason as you. Depression.

I let my emotion controlled my destiny.

I let depression destroyed my future.

I let my fragile little heart to dictate how to act, what to do, when to fail.

Everything was my choice. Everything was my fault. No one was responsible except me.

If I can go back in time, I would choose to ignore my emotional fragile little heart. I would choose to stop putting my depression on pedestal. I would choose to get my priorities straight and listen to my logic instead of my "inner child".

Here is what my logic tells you.

1. You can repeat next year if you fail. It sucks but you still have another chance. One year delay is not the end of the world.

2. You can study and improve. If I can graduate high school, why can't you? It's not a rocket science. You're not launching space missile here.

3. Any incoming words/insults from your family are just that, words! You can choose to bear the shame, or you can choose to study again, and eventually you can graduate.

The bottom line is, it's very important to think practical in this situation. Stop entertaining the voice of depression. If becoming a mindless emotionless zombie is the only way to graduate, please pick that choice instead of giving up.

I already made my mistake. I didn't choose to become a mindless emotionless zombie. I chose to entertain my "inner child". I didn't graduate. And I paid the price now.

I don't want you to suffer the same fate. You can still save yourself. I believe in you.

Well put. But, I ask you, what's holding you back from finishing college now? I dropped out after getting my associates degree (which doesn't mean much to any "real" job), but I know I can always go back. I haven't yet because I'm not quite ready. I want to be completely focused, unlike my 21 year old self who would rather party. That, and I have an ok job I'm trying to save money at (I prefer to have a chunk of would be tuition saved first). That, and I'm not 100% set on what I'd like to study. There's no shame at going back to school at 30, 40, hell even 50. A friend of mines mom went back when she was early 40s and got a degree and went into her field soon after. Just have to know when the time is right.

 

[Escaper Boy]

Well put. But, I ask you, what's holding you back from finishing college now?

My mother paid my tuition when I first started. It was a significant amount of money. After I dropout, she pretty much refuse to spend anymore money on me. I didn't blame her. I lost her trust and expectation.

My only chance to go back to university is by working and working and working and pay my own tuition. Not an easy task, but it's still within a possibility.

 

[NotSure]

My mother paid my tuition when I first started. It was a significant amount of money. After I dropout, she pretty much refuse to spend anymore money on me. I didn't blame her. I lost her trust and expectation.

My only chance to go back to university is by working and working and working and pay my own tuition. Not an easy task, but it's still within a possibility.

Sounds like a good challenge. Can you imagine the satisfaction of completing it? Worth a shot. Is there options for loans?

 

[Escaper Boy]

Sounds like a good challenge. Can you imagine the satisfaction of completing it? Worth a shot. Is there options for loans?

Loans? Rule number one of Asian family. Never get into debt. It's shameful and dangerous. My mother taught me that philosophy.

 

[NotSure]

Loans? Rule number one of Asian family. Never get into debt. It's shameful and dangerous. My mother taught me that philosophy.

Didn't know that. I kinda live that way, too, which is why I'm waiting to go back. Always a thought, tho. It's essentially a bet on yourself

 

[JadedGray]

High school is typically the most depressing time of peoples lives. It's not easy being thrusted into the "real world" and feeling like you're lost. Even if you don't graduate this year, there are plenty of options. GED and retaking a year are just a couple. You just have to set yourself some goals and make sure they're attainable. Start small. I was depressed and entertained suicide until I was about 24. Trust me when they say, "it gets better" because it does. Don't worry about failing your parents, they will still love you, I promise. Just talk when you're ready and do all that you can to be better until then

Not always. This is what many people believe (I used to myself) and it just causes disappointment and high expectations that don't always pan out.