I'm 7 months pregnant and I will CTB

[myusername]

Before anyone tells me how horrible of a mom I am and how selfish and cruel, yes I already know that. Why did I try to bring a new life into this world? Because I still had hope, but that hope is completely gone. Yes I should have thought things better, thanks. If anyone wants to ask me to try to get better, I can not try anymore.

Being alive has been horrible and even though I was getting better last months, something terrible was done to me not long ago and I just can't keep fighting. I don't want to find the will to live and then lose it again with the next horrible thing that will be done to me.

And I know people will blame me, instead of asking what terrible things have happened to me in order for me to find suicide as my only hope, instead of asking who could do such a thing to a pregnant person. They'll find fault in me and not in the people who have hurt me this much. I will once more pay with my body for their behaviour, pay with my life when they just keep living happily, never facing consequences. But at least I'll finally have peace (I hope).

I'm done.

 

[AllTheseQuestions]

I'm really sorry for how you are feeling. I can imagine the intense emotions of sorrow and guilt. If you would like to share more then from what I have seen of this site it is very much judgement free.

 

[Downdraft]

And I know people will blame me, instead of asking what terrible things have happened to me in order for me to find suicide as my only hope

Not wanting to be a dick but this shift of responsibility doesn't help at all lol.

 

[shadow999]

You must be going through so much, I'm sorry life has harmed you to this point. Can't even imagine what it's like. Hope you find some sort of peace soon.

 

[myusername]

I'm really sorry for how you are feeling. I can imagine the intense emotions of sorrow and guilt. If you would like to share more then from what I have seen of this site it is very much judgement free.

Thank you. I am being consumed by sorrow and guilt.

 

[maynoname]

I wish my parents hadn't given birth to me. I understand that it is difficult to bring a child into the world in the current context.

 

[AllTheseQuestions]

Not wanting to be a dick but this shift of responsibility doesn't help at all lol.

I'm sorry I don't think that's fair when someone is going through so much distress.
OP, you say people will blame you rather than asking what has happened, so I ask; what has happened?

 

[Downdraft]

I'm sorry I don't think that's fair when someone is going through so much distress.

I'm sorry but I don't think you can just have a child after so recently being suicidal and expect no responsibility from it.

I understand that desperate people can't take it anymore and also break, but to try to rationally justify it is very different.

And yes OP, of course you can vent and use this place, but also actions have reactions.

 

[null_blank]

That's really hard, op. I'm sorry you're where you're at.

Holding space for you <3

 

[destinationlosangel]

This is a situation so full of pain. I feel for u OP.

 

[willitpass]

I'm sorry but I don't think you can just have a child after so recently being suicidal and expect no responsibility from it.

I understand that desperate people can't take it anymore and also break, but to try to rationally justify it is very different.

And yes OP, of course you can vent and use this place, but also actions have reactions.

They never said that they were suicidal before getting pregnant. They weren't very clear with a timeline but it seems things were in a better spot when she got pregnant and things went downhill and a situation happened after the fact leading them to become suicidal. You cannot blame someone for getting pregnant when they were in a different, more positive situation at the time.

 

[divinemistress36]

I'm sorry OP. Please wait till the baby is born before you decide if you truly want to ctb and if you do give it up for Adoption

 

[Downdraft]

They never said that they were suicidal before getting pregnant. They weren't very clear with a timeline but it seems things were in a better spot when she got pregnant and things went downhill and a situation happened after the fact leading them to become suicidal.

Being alive has been horrible and even though I was getting better last months

Joined in April 2023. 7 months pregnant. Just do the math.

You cannot blame someone for getting pregnant when they were in a different, more positive situation at the time.

I can't blame someone for getting pregnant almost the instant they feel a bit better without any stability other than that? I hope you're sarcastic lol.

 

[Plato'sCaveDweller]

I respect your decision. I don't think you're a horrible mother, since your child doesn't really exist or depend on you yet. If you had given birth, however, then it may be a bit more ethically murky. I hope you end up finding that peace, we all deserve it at the end of the day.

 

[Downdraft]

I respect your decision. I don't think you're a horrible mother, since your child doesn't really exist or depend on you yet. If you had given birth, however, then it may be a bit more ethically murky.

Yeah I agree with that, but if the child came to life and had to be an orphan it'd be something terrible. And children on adoption also suffer a lot.

 

[rozeske]

Not wanting to be a dick but

Yeah?

 

[myusername]

I stated at the beginning of the post that I'm already aware of everything and asked to not to comment on that, but still some of you did. Your criticism or "lols" will not give me back my will to live, even though I know me willing to live is not the intention behind your comments.

I've also thought about waiting for the birth but I can't keep going anymore.

Thanks to the ones that empathised.

 

[Plato'sCaveDweller]

Yeah I agree with that, but if the child came to life and had to be an orphan it'd be something terrible. And children on adoption also suffer a lot.

That's generally my stance as well. I'm totally respecting of anyone's decision to CTB, unless they have children. Then I mostly frown upon it. If you have a kid, they are your responsibility and you need to stick around for them until they're independent at the very least. But of course, there are exceptions where the continued existence of a parent would be detrimental to the child and they'd likely be better off in someone else's care. It's a tough topic to parse through and navigate, as there's very little room to please everyone in such a situation; either the parent continues to suffer, or the child(ren) will suffer.

 

[Downdraft]

Yeah?

I'm all ears.

I'm sorry OP. Please wait till the baby is born before you decide if you truly want to ctb and if you do give it up for Adoption

Actually that may be worse than not being born, based on testimonials of what it feels to be an orphan of some parent. So obviously it's bad that OP wants to die now, but at least it won't be even worse.

@myusername It sucks it has to end like this but at least it isn't too late to choose yet. But believe it or not I'm actually affected about the whole story. No one can hold their thoughts if they don't care. Wish things could've been different.

 

[TraumaEscapee:)]

Feel free to pm me. I won't judge I just want to support and listen. I had a parent who ended their life when I was just a baby. Perhaps that's why I feel drawn to being of help to you. I don't want to question your decision. I just want you to know you have a friend in me even if I don't know you. You can tell me anything. I don't want you to feel alone.

 

[rozeske]

I'm all ears.

Kinda seems like an obvious thing but if you want me to spell it out for you...when someone is obviously suffering and feeling trapped in the middle of what looks like an unfortunate difficult situation, try to empathize if not try to give a viable option and a solution to their problem. Otherwise if you don't have anything helpful to say keeping to yourself is much more prefered than lol-ing, being judgemental, placing blame and possibly making them feel even more terrible. There are better ways of giving your opinions without having to be a dick as you put it. That's all.

 

[SNastablesalt]

Before anyone tells me how horrible of a mom I am and how selfish and cruel, yes I already know that. Why did I try to bring a new life into this world? Because I still had hope, but that hope is completely gone. Yes I should have thought things better, thanks. If anyone wants to ask me to try to get better, I can not try anymore.

Being alive has been horrible and even though I was getting better last months, something terrible was done to me not long ago and I just can't keep fighting. I don't want to find the will to live and then lose it again with the next horrible thing that will be done to me.

And I know people will blame me, instead of asking what terrible things have happened to me in order for me to find suicide as my only hope, instead of asking who could do such a thing to a pregnant person. They'll find fault in me and not in the people who have hurt me this much. I will once more pay with my body for their behaviour, pay with my life when they just keep living happily, never facing consequences. But at least I'll finally have peace (I hope).

I'm done.

This is heartbreaking knowing that life is so cruel that it has to come to this, wishing you the best

 

[LionDad]

I can't imagine how much your heart must hurt. It doesn't matter whether I agree or disagree with your choice or what you should do, I am sorry the world has been so cruel to you.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

My whole life I have wished that my mother had aborted me. So I really cannot blame you for your decision.
If you do decide to go through with it, please be sure you will succeed because if you get "saved", you may end up in legal trouble and also mess up the kid who will have to live with that condition in this already messed up world. So please be careful at least for your own sake.
I wish you the best.

 

[Worndown]

This is something only you can work out. Many do not like your choice.

Please understand that this is watching a tragedy occur, like a house fire or sinking ship. WE want to do something, anything, to stop the event, but are powerless. Frustration washes over everyone reading this.

I hope you can find a resolution that is the least harmful for all concerned.

 

[Aliceinborderline]

I wish you the best in whatever you decide, be it selfish or not sometimes there are moments in life where only you matter, only your feelings matter and you have to do what you need to for yourself. Life isnt fair, lifes a mixed bag my only thing id say if make sure you do it well enough if you decide to, to not survive and give birth to a child whos now living with the effects of whatever you did, but even then it is your life and if you need to talk ever im here to listen in more detail if youd like

 

[sinivihrea]

i don't think you're evil. i think you're trying to do what's best and safest for you and the fetus. i really, really hope you can access help for everything you're going through; i can tell it's some really bad stuff. i will say that if you end up ctb AFTER you have the baby, please make sure you have legal stuff in place for where they'll go. idk where you're at, but my local foster system is ridiculously corrupt, to the point of child slavery. i've had friends who would've rather died than go back.

 

[avoid]

And I know people will blame me, instead of asking what terrible things have happened to me in order for me to find suicide as my only hope, instead of asking who could do such a thing to a pregnant person. They'll find fault in me and not in the people who have hurt me this much.

What happened? I get the impression that you want to share more about what pushed you into your current mental state. But I couldn't find your story (maybe I missed it).

 

[NoPoint2Life]

You are not a horrible person. You simply are trying to spare your child the pain that you have experienced in life.

 

[myusername]

What happened? I get the impression that you want to share more about what pushed you into your current mental state. But I couldn't find your story (maybe I missed it).

I needed to vent a little, but I don't think I'll share my full story here, since I wouldn't like to receive any criticism or feel like I have to "defend my case" or add in some way to the pain and guilt I already have. Thank you everyone anyway.

I do have one friend who knows me and everything I've gone through, but he doesn't know that I'm going to CTB and I cannot vent with him, because I know he'll try and stop me.