Illness removed my fear of death.

[Rational man]

In a strange ironic way, my vax induced illness was a blessing. Before i became ill, I feared death and that fear consumed much of the NOW moment. Since then I have seen life with accute clarity. My anger, fear and anxiety has faded and I feel more or less at peace. I have let go of regrets. I dont know how long I have but it s not long I think. When death arrives I will be okay. Im at peace with this world now and I know that life is replaced by death with the blink of an eye. PEACE❤

 

[GentleJerk]

I'm still unvaccinated because I'm scared of this exact thing. It doesn't give me much solace though, because I'm also scared of serious illness from the 'rona.

I'm sorry about your reaction to the vax. As someone with chronic illness I can definitely understand where you're coming from when you talk about illness changing the way one thinks about death. I hope you hold on to this strength in the face of adversity and I wish you all the best!

 

[Rational man]

I'm still unvaccinated

I guess im unlucky. Most people seem to be okay. I wouldn't suggest not having it but people weigh up their options. I know people who have died of the virus in the first wave.

 

[GentleJerk]

I guess im unlucky. Most people seem to be okay. I wouldn't suggest not having it but people weigh up their options. I know people who have died of the virus in the first wave.

I am considering a more lately that's for sure!

 

[FuneralCry]

We should not fear death as it is inevitable for us all, all we are doing is waiting around for death anyway. Life is just one big distraction from death. I believe there is nothing after this and that thought fills me with peace. We will be free from all suffering once we die. I wish you the best.

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

I'm still unvaccinated because I'm scared of this exact thing. It doesn't give me much solace though, because I'm also scared of serious illness from the 'rona.

I'm sorry about your reaction to the vax. As someone with chronic illness I can definitely understand where you're coming from when you talk about illness changing the way one thinks about death. I hope you hold on to this strength in the face of adversity and I wish you all the best!

I just wanted to comment that I appreciate YOUR comment on many levels, one being that you admit to being unvaxxed (I am unvaxxed as well); I'm always SO hesitant to admit to this because of the reactions I see online and in real life to the unvaccinated...reactions and responses that don't seem to ever look at the unvaxxed person's circumstances or reasons - the unvaxxed is immediately labeled "selfish", "stupid", a Trumper, ant-science, etc etc. They're told to just go off and die somewhere for being "so selfish" or that they don't deserve to be given care (even if NOT Covid related) in ERs because they're basically stupid pariah who shouldn't continue to live anyway. I could go on but you get the idea. This tears me up because MY personal reasons for not yet getting the vax comes down to over 40 years of poor health and many, many instances of bad reactions to all manner of medications, even foods and cosmetics and other things. It's like my body is hypersensitive to EVERYTHING and if a med (or vax) has even a small risk of a side effect - it seems to happen to me. I already have a slew of health issues, including multiple autoimmune diseases, that I battle EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY and have for decades. The idea of adding another issue, one that was triggered by the vaccination, to the list terrifies me. If the vax killed me instantly or within a few days...fine. But I don't want to end up wth yet another thing wrong with me; my life is a living hell already due to my health. I cannot bring myself to take that shot, no matter how many people tell me how it was 'no big deal' for them, or the risk of this or that side effect or (negative) result occurring is "so small". Because I've heard that before and at least those times the issue resolved itself when I stopped the medication/s...if this vax kicked off an inflammatory response that say, further lowered my already low blood count, I'm screwed. If it kicked off another autoimmune disease, I'd be devastated. I was told a month or two ago I have an 'enlarged heart' - that was unexpected finding on a routine ECG and still not known yet the reason for it. How will that vax affect my heart? No doctor will give me a clear answer - and to be fair, how could they?

But like you, I'm also scared of contracting Covid, and I hate how NOT being vaxxed has further made me feel like an outsider in society, in direct (being called unfair names, not allowed in certain restaurants or planes, although I don't go places anyway so I shouldn't care about that) and in indirect ways (others' opinions of me as an unvaxxed person, making judgments about me without knowing all my reasons or health history).

My life of chronic illness and chronic pain, and having lost SO MUCH to those things, plus all the many, MANY years of physical suffering leading to mental suffering from the isolation and anxiety of coping with what's wrong with me, and also decades of being treated like crap by so many doctors and medical 'professionals' and being misdiagnosed, not taken seriously (then later, finding out I indeed did have a serious condition that required treatment but by then so much damage was done it was mostly not 'fixable' in a way that would improve my quality of life) has made me distrustful of being told to just 'not worry' about the 'low chance' of side effects, short or long term, from the vax. I am not an anti-vaxxer and I respect others' choices. I simply cannot bring myself to subject myself to possibly, potentially adding yet another physical problem or more physical suffering to my already exceptionally long list of issues, and so I've yet to agree to the vax.

Thanks for reading all this, if anyone did. I needed to finally get it out.

OP: I'm so so SO sorry your life has been altered and your health was damaged by the vaccination. I admire that you did not stay bitter or angry about your situation, but instead now have achieved a peace with things. That shows what a lovely soul you have, that you thoughtful and evolved, and how strong you are. I wish I were like you. I'm sending you all my positive energy and a hug and all my support.

 

[Rational man]

I just wanted to comment that I appreciate YOUR comment on many levels, one being that you admit to being unvaxxed (I am unvaxxed as well); I'm always SO hesitant to admit to this because of the reactions I see online and in real life to the unvaccinated...reactions and responses that don't seem to ever look at the unvaxxed person's circumstances or reasons - the unvaxxed is immediately labeled "selfish", "stupid", a Trumper, ant-science, etc etc. They're told to just go off and die somewhere for being "so selfish" or that they don't deserve to be given care (even if NOT Covid related) in ERs because they're basically stupid pariah who shouldn't continue to live anyway. I could go on but you get the idea. This tears me up because MY personal reasons for not yet getting the vax comes down to over 40 years of poor health and many, many instances of bad reactions to all manner of medications, even foods and cosmetics and other things. It's like my body is hypersensitive to EVERYTHING and if a med (or vax) has even a small risk of a side effect - it seems to happen to me. I already have a slew of health issues, including multiple autoimmune diseases, that I battle EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY and have for decades. The idea of adding another issue, one that was triggered by the vaccination, to the list terrifies me. If the vax killed me instantly or within a few days...fine. But I don't want to end up wth yet another thing wrong with me; my life is a living hell already due to my health. I cannot bring myself to take that shot, no matter how many people tell me how it was 'no big deal' for them, or the risk of this or that side effect or (negative) result occurring is "so small". Because I've heard that before and at least those times the issue resolved itself when I stopped the medication/s...if this vax kicked off an inflammatory response that say, further lowered my already low blood count, I'm screwed. If it kicked off another autoimmune disease, I'd be devastated. I was told a month or two ago I have an 'enlarged heart' - that was unexpected finding on a routine ECG and still not known yet the reason for it. How will that vax affect my heart? No doctor will give me a clear answer - and to be fair, how could they?

But like you, I'm also scared of contracting Covid, and I hate how NOT being vaxxed has further made me feel like an outsider in society, in direct (being called unfair names, not allowed in certain restaurants or planes, although I don't go places anyway so I shouldn't care about that) and in indirect ways (others' opinions of me as an unvaxxed person, making judgments about me without knowing all my reasons or health history).

My life of chronic illness and chronic pain, and having lost SO MUCH to those things, plus all the many, MANY years of physical suffering leading to mental suffering from the isolation and anxiety of coping with what's wrong with me, and also decades of being treated like crap by so many doctors and medical 'professionals' and being misdiagnosed, not taken seriously (then later, finding out I indeed did have a serious condition that required treatment but by then so much damage was done it was mostly not 'fixable' in a way that would improve my quality of life) has made me distrustful of being told to just 'not worry' about the 'low chance' of side effects, short or long term, from the vax. I am not an anti-vaxxer and I respect others' choices. I simply cannot bring myself to subject myself to possibly, potentially adding yet another physical problem or more physical suffering to my already exceptionally long list of issues, and so I've yet to agree to the vax.

Thanks for reading all this, if anyone did. I needed to finally get it out.

OP: I'm so so SO sorry your life has been altered and your health was damaged by the vaccination. I admire that you did not stay bitter or angry about your situation, but instead now have achieved a peace with things. That shows what a lovely soul you have, that you thoughtful and evolved, and how strong you are. I wish I were like you. I'm sending you all my positive energy and a hug and all my support.

You make some valid points.and I.feel.your pain..Chronic illnesses consume us. Life.seems to he an uphill battle.

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

You make some valid points.and I.feel.your pain..Chronic illnesses consume us. Life.seems to he an uphill battle.

Thank you. And I apologize for posting such a lengthy "all about meeee" comment on your thread. :( Yes, chronic illness does indeed consume us. It gets harder and harder as time goes on to retain who we are as individuals without becoming merely a walking cluster of illnesses and symptoms. At least, that's been my experience. I don't even know who "I" am anymore. It's been so long since I felt like a whole person and not my diagnoses or problems. Life is an uphill battle with chronic illness and it's like a domino effect in all aspects of life...how people see you, how you see yourself, what you are able to do/capable of doing, your social life, your career, everything, everything is to some degree affected and that of course impacts quality of life. Sooner or later, ctb seems like the only option for rest and finally, relief.

 

[GentleJerk]

I just wanted to comment that I appreciate YOUR comment on many levels, one being that you admit to being unvaxxed (I am unvaxxed as well); I'm always SO hesitant to admit to this because of the reactions I see online and in real life to the unvaccinated...reactions and responses that don't seem to ever look at the unvaxxed person's circumstances or reasons - the unvaxxed is immediately labeled "selfish", "stupid", a Trumper, ant-science, etc etc. They're told to just go off and die somewhere for being "so selfish" or that they don't deserve to be given care (even if NOT Covid related) in ERs because they're basically stupid pariah who shouldn't continue to live anyway. I could go on but you get the idea. This tears me up because MY personal reasons for not yet getting the vax comes down to over 40 years of poor health and many, many instances of bad reactions to all manner of medications, even foods and cosmetics and other things. It's like my body is hypersensitive to EVERYTHING and if a med (or vax) has even a small risk of a side effect - it seems to happen to me. I already have a slew of health issues, including multiple autoimmune diseases, that I battle EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY and have for decades. The idea of adding another issue, one that was triggered by the vaccination, to the list terrifies me. If the vax killed me instantly or within a few days...fine. But I don't want to end up wth yet another thing wrong with me; my life is a living hell already due to my health. I cannot bring myself to take that shot, no matter how many people tell me how it was 'no big deal' for them, or the risk of this or that side effect or (negative) result occurring is "so small". Because I've heard that before and at least those times the issue resolved itself when I stopped the medication/s...if this vax kicked off an inflammatory response that say, further lowered my already low blood count, I'm screwed. If it kicked off another autoimmune disease, I'd be devastated. I was told a month or two ago I have an 'enlarged heart' - that was unexpected finding on a routine ECG and still not known yet the reason for it. How will that vax affect my heart? No doctor will give me a clear answer - and to be fair, how could they?

But like you, I'm also scared of contracting Covid, and I hate how NOT being vaxxed has further made me feel like an outsider in society, in direct (being called unfair names, not allowed in certain restaurants or planes, although I don't go places anyway so I shouldn't care about that) and in indirect ways (others' opinions of me as an unvaxxed person, making judgments about me without knowing all my reasons or health history).

My life of chronic illness and chronic pain, and having lost SO MUCH to those things, plus all the many, MANY years of physical suffering leading to mental suffering from the isolation and anxiety of coping with what's wrong with me, and also decades of being treated like crap by so many doctors and medical 'professionals' and being misdiagnosed, not taken seriously (then later, finding out I indeed did have a serious condition that required treatment but by then so much damage was done it was mostly not 'fixable' in a way that would improve my quality of life) has made me distrustful of being told to just 'not worry' about the 'low chance' of side effects, short or long term, from the vax. I am not an anti-vaxxer and I respect others' choices. I simply cannot bring myself to subject myself to possibly, potentially adding yet another physical problem or more physical suffering to my already exceptionally long list of issues, and so I've yet to agree to the vax.

Thanks for reading all this, if anyone did. I needed to finally get it out.

OP: I'm so so SO sorry your life has been altered and your health was damaged by the vaccination. I admire that you did not stay bitter or angry about your situation, but instead now have achieved a peace with things. That shows what a lovely soul you have, that you thoughtful and evolved, and how strong you are. I wish I were like you. I'm sending you all my positive energy and a hug and all my support.

Thank you, it's becoming a lot more uncommon to be unvaccinated and is certainly very stigmatized. I think the pandemic can bring out the worst in some people, who might be looking to shift the blame of some of their strong feelings and overwhelming fears onto someone else.

You have personal experience with illness which must take such a toll and for that I really feel for you. Same to you @Rational man . The level of strength in the face of adversity i see here is inspiring. It's something that's nearly impossible for people to understand unless they go through it themselves.

The thought of a chance for negative reactions to the vax must carry with it that same first hand experience of illness. It's understandable if you're apprehensive and you can't be blamed for that, you have my full support. To be honest I can sort of understand where people are coming from but it doesn't stop my phobia.

P.S. Of course I read the whole thing!

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

Thank you, it's becoming a lot more uncommon to be unvaccinated and is certainly very stigmatized. I think the pandemic can bring out the worst in some people, who might be looking to shift the blame of some of their strong feelings and overwhelming fears onto someone else.

You have personal experience with illness which must take such a toll and for that I really feel for you. Same to you @Rational man . The level of strength in the face of adversity i see here is inspiring. It's something that's nearly impossible for people to understand unless they go through it themselves.

The thought of a chance for negative reactions to the vax must carry with it that same first hand experience of illness. It's understandable if you're apprehensive and you can't be blamed for that, you have my full support. To be honest I can sort of understand where people are coming from but it doesn't stop my phobia.

P.S. Of course I read the whole thing!

Thank you so much for your kind post. It feels so good to share what I did and not be judged for it. I am very grateful to you for your understanding and willingness to 'hear' me...so many people now are not like that because, like you stated so well in your reply, this pandemic has brought out the worst in so many people. And I get it -- they're terrified too of getting sick from Covid and possibly dying from it or suffering long-haul symptoms or having their life forever changed by damage the virus might cause. I wish they could shift their perspective to understand that not only do I fear Covid itself, due to my health history and my body's hypersensitivity to so many things which HAS resulted in side effects occurring that are "rare" or uncommon, that I just as much fear what the vaccination could do to me. I just don't want to suffer more than I already do.

Thank you again for being so compassionate, non-judgmental and supportive to what I shared. It means more to me than you know. And thank you for reading all of my long post! Sending you

 

[Ta555]

In a strange ironic way, my vax induced illness was a blessing. Before i became ill, I feared death and that fear consumed much of the NOW moment. Since then I have seen life with accute clarity. My anger, fear and anxiety has faded and I feel more or less at peace. I have let go of regrets. I dont know how long I have but it s not long I think. When death arrives I will be okay. Im at peace with this world now and I know that life is replaced by death with the blink of an eye. PEACE❤

I didn't get sick from the vaccine but I have health issues too. Do you have the fear of failing CTB? That's my biggest fear and I don't know how to get over it. My main method is full suspension but I may combine it with something.

 

[wanttogetonthebus]

In a strange ironic way, my vax induced illness was a blessing. Before i became ill, I feared death and that fear consumed much of the NOW moment. Since then I have seen life with accute clarity. My anger, fear and anxiety has faded and I feel more or less at peace. I have let go of regrets. I dont know how long I have but it s not long I think. When death arrives I will be okay. Im at peace with this world now and I know that life is replaced by death with the blink of an eye. PEACE❤

Illness did the exact same for me. My chronic illness though was induced by Covid. (I wasn't vaccinated.) I've never experienced such a permanent completely life altering degree of suffering before. I've never experienced this level of intense fear nearly 24/7 before. Death or the end we'll all eventually meet pales in comparison to this.

 

[Ta555]

Illness did the exact same for me. My chronic illness though was induced by Covid. (I wasn't vaccinated.) I've never experienced such a permanent completely life altering degree of suffering before. I've never experienced this level of intense fear nearly 24/7 before. Death or the end we'll all eventually meet pales in comparison to this.

Kinda have the same question for you as for OP, do you have a fear of failing CTB and if so how do you deal with it?

 

[wanttogetonthebus]

Kinda have the same question for you as for OP, do you have a fear of failing CTB and if so how do you deal with it?

If I CTB, this is 1000% my biggest fear because a failure will leave me worse off with probable brain damage. I might not even be able to successfully attempt CTB again if I fail either because I become disabled or locked down somehow. How I deal with this fear is that I'm going to plan properly. As my final and most important act, everything is about not failing. I want to try to account for every possible way I can imagine failing or being found too early. I want a peaceful death for CTB so I'm going the N route. But sometimes N can take hours or over a day to kill if you're in the 1% of people who end up in a prolonged coma. I have to account for this as this could happen to me albeit statistically unlikely. In fact, I'm even considering drowning myself or otherwise asphyxiating (such as putting a bag over my head) for after I lose consciousness and fall over or perhaps combining N with another powerful lethal backup such as sodium azide which has no antidote and by itself is even more lethal than N with a practically 100% success rate if taken in the right dose. My whole mindset for CTB is "failure is not an option."

 

[Ta555]

If I CTB, this is 1000% my biggest fear because a failure will leave me worse off with probable brain damage. I might not even be able to successfully attempt CTB again if I fail either because I become disabled or locked down somehow. How I deal with this fear is that I'm going to plan properly. As my final and most important act, everything is about not failing. I want to try to account for every possible way I can imagine failing or being found too early. I want a peaceful death for CTB so I'm going the N route. But sometimes N can take hours or over a day to kill if you're in the 1% of people who end up in a prolonged coma. I have to account for this as this could happen to me albeit statistically unlikely. In fact, I'm even considering drowning myself or otherwise asphyxiating (such as putting a bag over my head) for after I lose consciousness and fall over or perhaps combining N with another powerful lethal backup such as sodium azide which has no antidote and by itself is even more lethal than N with a practically 100% success rate if taken in the right dose. My whole mindset for CTB is "failure is not an option."

Ah you're very lucky to have N. Man...I wish I could too but I'll never get it here. Sorry you're in such a situation.

 

[wanttogetonthebus]

Ah you're very lucky to have N. Man...I wish I could too but I'll never get it here. Sorry you're in such a situation.

Haven't acquired N yet actually but I can afford to purchase it. I'm planning to message D soon about ordering some. But yeah you're right. Considering all the ways there are to die and that it will eventually happen to everyone, N really is the most peaceful death one can get. It's the closest thing to falling asleep and simply disappearing off the face of the Earth without realizing it or feeling any pain or anxiety.

 

[miserableforever]

In a strange ironic way, my vax induced illness was a blessing. Before i became ill, I feared death and that fear consumed much of the NOW moment. Since then I have seen life with accute clarity. My anger, fear and anxiety has faded and I feel more or less at peace. I have let go of regrets. I dont know how long I have but it s not long I think. When death arrives I will be okay. Im at peace with this world now and I know that life is replaced by death with the blink of an eye. PEACE❤

Is it ok for me to ask what happened to you after the bad? I haven't gotten mine cause I'm scared of side effects.
I know how that sounds as a suicidal person.. makes no sense.

Is it ok for me to ask what happened to you after the bad? I haven't gotten mine cause I'm scared of side effects.
I know how that sounds as a suicidal person.. makes no sense.

Ugh I meant to say, after the *vax

 

[Rational man]

Do you have the fear of failing CTB?

Just a little. My suffering will end by disease or ctb.

Is it ok for me to ask what happened to you after the bad? I haven't gotten mine cause I'm scared of side effects.
I know how that sounds as a suicidal person.. makes no sense.

SURE. As i say, dont let it put you off having the vax. Im sure the vax has more chance of saving you than making you ill. After my vax i developed fever, vomiting, fatigue. As time went on, night sweats, fatigue, massive weight loss then gain then loss, full body neurapthy like being electrocuted, head pains, nausea, vomiting, stomach paralysis, muscle wastage, chest pains, dsepression, blurred vision, stomach cramps, shaking. Coordination problems, unable to focus and an overwhelming need to end this awfulness. That was back in March and my body feels like ive been in a war zone. As i say dont be deterred. I was just unlucky. Drs are a little.puzzled and stayed silent when i asked about my vax and symptoms.

 

[Butterflyfree]

If I CTB, this is 1000% my biggest fear because a failure will leave me worse off with probable brain damage. I might not even be able to successfully attempt CTB again if I fail either because I become disabled or locked down somehow. How I deal with this fear is that I'm going to plan properly. As my final and most important act, everything is about not failing. I want to try to account for every possible way I can imagine failing or being found too early. I want a peaceful death for CTB so I'm going the N route. But sometimes N can take hours or over a day to kill if you're in the 1% of people who end up in a prolonged coma. I have to account for this as this could happen to me albeit statistically unlikely. In fact, I'm even considering drowning myself or otherwise asphyxiating (such as putting a bag over my head) for after I lose consciousness and fall over or perhaps combining N with another powerful lethal backup such as sodium azide which has no antidote and by itself is even more lethal than N with a practically 100% success rate if taken in the right dose. My whole mindset for CTB is "failure is not an option."

@wanttogetonthebus what happens if you get in the prolonged coma? Do you survive?

 

[wanttogetonthebus]

@wanttogetonthebus what happens if you get in the prolonged coma? Do you survive?

You will either be stuck in a coma permanently (survive in a coma, have life support pulled if you're in a coma for too long, or be in a coma possibly for a few days to weeks or more and come out of the coma. Those are the options if you're in that 1% who end up in a coma. As peaceful as N is, I don't want to be in an extended coma and end up coming to. Again, one is likely to have brain damage from oxygen deprivation if you come out of the coma. N is arguably the most peaceful way to die, and it is very lethal but it is not the most lethal. So once again, yes, I am very afraid to fail and being left worse off especially with my luck. I'll need a lot more planning before I go through with it. I truly want to do everything in my power to not fail.