I'll probably be dead soon (:

[AntHills]

I've been staying with family for the last year or so and I can't get past my suicidal mindset for long enough to pull myself out of this situation. I quit both of my jobs because I was being severely bullied and I'm not emotionally mature enough to endure that. I'm being blackmailed my by ex who wants to take my son away from me permanently, and my heart is literally broken. I'm in constant physical pain because I need dental care that I can't get because I don't have insurance and I can't afford to pay for it. I have a warrant for a court date I missed so if I ever get pulled over again, I'll get arrested, and I'm genuinely terrified of police as a result of childhood trauma. And as if I wasn't fucked enough, now I'm getting kicked out of the only place I have to live because I can't support myself, and my family, despite knowing I'm suicidal, and being completely aware of my situation, still want me to live up to a certain expectation that I can't meet. My only options at this point are to live in a car with a halfway fucked up control arm, check myself into a hospital, or CTB, and I know which option I'm gunning for. I'm still not sure whether I should bide my time and get some stuff done or just go ahead and do it tonight after the sun goes down, as it's not going to matter in the long run. But as a human bean I feel like I have to complete certain tasks before I leave, and I don't even have my "goodbye texts" prepared yet. I'm not angry, sad, or even really upset anymore. I'm just stuck in several double binds and I feel like I have to solve my way out of an ultimately unwinnable situation because I'm more more interested in righting my wrongs than any dead man should be. I have the method and the means for CTB, and I think I just found the courage, so as a recently actively member of this community, I just want to thank everybody here for their enlightenment and words of encouragement over the last few days. This is the only place I can come to and not feel alone and hopeless. I'll be doing my best to provide support and kindness where I can until I post my goodbye thread. You guys are incredible, and I can't thank you enough.

 

[Lulzacruel]

goodbye kind sir

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you've had to go through, it's horrible how there's so much suffering in this world. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[John Ryder]

While the circumstances are different, I can relate to the sense of helplessness and inevitability you've concisely expressed here. Same for the sense of uncertainty over the right time to go through things and whether to attempt the resolving of certain loose ends beforehand. The feeling of being truly trapped between a rock and hard place is among the most profound despair a person can experience. I'm glad you were able to find this resource and hope you're able to obtain both closure in your unsettled matters and peace.

 

[TheMetalhead]

It's a sad day to see another beautiful soul give up, but I'm happy at the same time that your struggle will come to an end, I hope you reach the peace you are looking for.
Sending online hugs, friend

 

[Tulip<3]

I'm so sorry life has thrown so much shit at you. I can tell by reading that you are heartbroken. As a human who wants people who live and be happy, I don't want you to cbt. But I respect the right for people to choose and I understand how it feels to be very suicidal. Sending you love and peace

 

[AntHills]

While the circumstances are different, I can relate to the sense of helplessness and inevitability you've concisely expressed here. Same for the sense of uncertainty over the right time to go through things and whether to attempt the resolving of certain loose ends beforehand. The feeling of being truly trapped between a rock and hard place is among the most profound despair a person can experience. I'm glad you were able to find this resource and hope you're able to obtain both closure in your unsettled matters and peace.

Thank you, it feels good to know that some people seem to sincerely understand what I'm going through.

It's a sad day to see another beautiful soul give up, but I'm happy at the same time that your struggle will come to an end, I hope you reach the peace you are looking for.
Sending online hugs, friend

Peace is my only hope, thanks for the online hugs, it means a lot

I'm so sorry life has thrown so much shit at you. I can tell by reading that you are heartbroken. As a human who wants people who live and be happy, I don't want you to cbt. But I respect the right for people to choose and I understand how it feels to be very suicidal. Sending you love and peace

Having a complete stranger tell me that they want me to be happy, and don't want me to CTB is heartwarming. If the people in my life even pretended to care that much, I might not be in this position in the first place. Thank you for your kindness, it goes a long way.