I think you don't have a solid plan, I think you're thinking with emotions rather than logic, and I think you're freaking out. When you a have a good plan laid out and can see yourself doing it step by step and completing it, you'll have a higher chance of success.
Don't think I don't have compassion for you, I do. I don't know if you can do what I'm suggesting based on your physical and emotional suffering. I'm reminded of a story I read about an Arab patient in a hospital with a cast. He kept complaining about itching and no one would listen to him, it went on for weeks. Finally, he lost it, jumped out the window. When they cut the cast off his body, it was filled with bugs.
So, are you in a bug situation and no one is listening to you, or are you in a purely emotional situation that's escalating? If it's the latter, what can you do to get grounded and calm, to plan? If it's the former, I wish you the best possible outcome.
I just...I get the sense that your mom heard and supported you, but when it came time to act on your plan, you weren't able, and she could only leave the house so many times, support your desire so many times, and it's too much for her, and then you get resentful and escalate, and see every end result of whatever you try as the worst possible outcome, so it just makes you feel more helpless and crazy. I acknowledge I could be off about this, I'm just trying to put together what I read from your posts.
So what if you can step outside of this spiraling cycle and do something totally different? Is there someone calming and worthy of respect who can come visit you and talk to you, help you figure out how to step outside of your situation and come up with new ideas, or at least calm down so you can look at all your options clearly and make the best possible choice?
If not, I suggest doing something like mindmapping -- write down each thing that's troubling you, put each one in a circle, and branch off of it whatever comes to mind. I personally have gotten so much clarity from doing this when I feel overwhelmed by a situation. Based on this, I'd make an educated guess that you're not as powerless as you think you are, whether with your illness or, if you choose it, your decision to ctb.
Edit: I think I asked you this last night -- when did she start threatening to call the police? Did she actually say this, or are you hyperfocusing on a worst-case scenario that you don't have any evidence will happen? Not trying to belittle you or make you defensive, I'm trying to see clearly and maybe help you see more clearly, too.
