Venting If you're planning on going soon, how are you feeling?

[LuzurPhagget]

I'm feeling rather...angry. I don't know, it just feels like people are DELIBERATELY trying to guilt trip me for leaving. As if the fucking universe is trying to stop me and goad me into sticking around longer. Fuckers. Of course, nobody knows and I'm just "projecting," but I do feel kind of pissed off. Is that weird?

I just can't stay. I don't want to stay. Too tired. Sick of chasing my tail. Sick of chasing the horizon. Sick of dead end pursuits and feeling like an "ungrateful prick" for not "enjoying the ride." Sick of trying and failing and ALWAYS scratching my head wondering where the fuck I went wrong. But I think most of all, knowing I should have done it 10 years ago and everything after was ALL for nothing. Just bullshit. So angry.

Assholes. Just let me have an easy transition into peace. Your problems ain't my problems... and my retarded ass wouldn't be able to help anyway.

Anyway, how you doing?

 

[Lokd26]

I want to go soon as well. For me tho, it's calming. I usually have anxiety through the whole day but thinking about it almost being over keeps me calm. I would get the same reactions you got if I told anyone about my plan so I'm steering clear of that.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

Yeah, bizzarely I'm feeling a little calmer and less anxious too. Almost feel like telling this annoying kid at work to go fuck himself! No way would I ever have thought of doing that weeks earlier!

 

[trynacbt]

I'm feeling really antsy and anxious as I've just had to push back my date about 3 weeks, for reasons out of my control. Really frustrating but I'm trying to see this as just a test of endurance and determination. I can't wait to go and I can't wait to make a decision that is solely my own. All my life all I've wanted is a bit of independence and I seem utterly incapable of it.

 

[Stan]

I'm feeling more angrier by the day but can't actually articulate why.

 

[Rachel74]

From what I've seen on here I think you do get angry make your peace with it then the calmness overflows you ready to CTB.
I hope that happens for me x

 

[JTG1972]

Struggling. Part of me is just ready to go right now today and finally be done with it. Part of me is trying to wait until when i know I won't be found in time.

 

[Notf1xable]

I've been going through a lot of emotions, I wish I could choose one. Relieved, angry, hurt, worried, kinda going through the stages of loss. Especially for certain people I will leave behind, I'm worried about them. But I can't let them see me hurt like this anymore either. Angry that the world is so messed up to hurt people to the degree to do have to do this.

 

[unatbrie]

I feel like, before the first day of school, a mixture of wanting to do it because the day is approaching ... and a little scary. Sometimes during the day I am doing anything and I randomly remember what I am going to do and for a few seconds I feel very aware of what it really means to die (SI i guess), that sensation only lasts a few seconds I don't know how to explain it ... after that's all right, my method is not even painful (if everything goes well) so during the day I try to stay rational

 

[LuzurPhagget]

I'm feeling really antsy and anxious as I've just had to push back my date about 3 weeks, for reasons out of my control. Really frustrating but I'm trying to see this as just a test of endurance and determination. I can't wait to go and I can't wait to make a decision that is solely my own. All my life all I've wanted is a bit of independence and I seem utterly incapable of it.

Sucks man. I hope I'm able to go through with mine without major complications.

I'm feeling more angrier by the day but can't actually articulate why.

Like you've been cheated/deprived? Life wasn't better to you and it's come to this? etc

Eh, I've come to accept my fate. I believe we live in a competitive world. Contrary to all those "Love is all you need" hippies, I still think natural selection applies to humans and I am a lesser man and can't compete. Kudos to those who can.

I feel like, before the first day of school, a mixture of wanting to do it because the day is approaching ... and a little scary. Sometimes during the day I am doing anything and I randomly remember what I am going to do and for a few seconds I feel very aware of what it really means to die (SI i guess), that sensation only lasts a few seconds I don't know how to explain it ... after that's all right, my method is not even painful (if everything goes well) so during the day I try to stay rational

Yeah, I get a weird feeling in the morning after I get up. Like "wow, this will be one of the last times I'll wake up. Kinda scary. Sometimes makes me doubt the whole thing.

 

[Notf1xable]

Sucks man. I hope I'm able to go through with mine without major complications.


Like you've been cheated/deprived? Life wasn't better to you and it's come to this? etc

Eh, I've come to accept my fate. I believe we live in a competitive world. Contrary to all those "Love is all you need" hippies, I still think natural selection applies to humans and I am a lesser man and can't compete. Kudos to those who can.


Yeah, I get a weird feeling in the morning after I get up. Like "wow, this will be one of the last times I'll wake up. Kinda scary. Sometimes makes me doubt the whole thing.

IMHO it takes a lot to do it to, I'm not sure I agree with calling it natural selection. I hope it doesn't make anyone think they are lesser of a person, too many things living already do. There's a philosopher that said something about it being more in control of your life then anything, the world being competitive is bs. We have some bs people out there "succeeding" and even those we think are could be hiding a bunch. My view is pretty much after you lost that innocence and start to see the world as tough and cruel. And a lot of people can't pursue things they love to do, or other things they want that's when the faking begins. We never really know who is really happy or if that really exists or people are faking it. Spoken from someone that faked it to hold on to the few things I did love and it still didn't work out. I don't blame me for the people that were crappy to me.

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

Mostly anxious but calmed by the thought of leaving. Can't really see myself living past the year 2020 and beyond, its an impossible sight to be honest. Everybody around me don't seem to mind my exit even though they don't know my plans, they all don't seem to care that I exist or about me at all. Feels good to know that I can die anytime and i have no reason to live anymore man :)

 

[Jengator]

I can relate somewhat. I don't want to go but I'm implement disabled physically and have no quality of life. I don't want to die but I don't want to suffer like this physically for too long, especially if it gets worse.

With that said, it makes me angry almost to the point of rage when someone judges me for thinking the way I do without knowing what it feels like. It makes me want to take a shovel to their legs. Especially the ones who suggest that it's somehow my fault that I am the way I am. I'd never do it but I honestly wish certain people were in my place and crippled with no answers. It's one thing to have no compassion. Fine. Have no compassion and go about your life. But to judge and smear me makes me angry beyond anything I've ever thought I was capable of.

 

[unatbrie]

Mostly anxious but calmed by the thought of leaving. Can't really see myself living past the year 2020 and beyond, its an impossible sight to be honest. Everybody around me don't seem to mind my exit even though they don't know my plans, they all don't seem to care that I exist or about me at all. Feels good to know that I can die anytime and i have no reason to live anymore man :)

Yes! 2 months it's too much

 

[ladolcemorte]

A bit sad that it has to end like this. Hoping I don't screw it up again. But also relieved that I can go. Hoping to finally find some peace

 

[Qverty7455]

Relieved that all of the pain will be gone, scared it might fail and sorry because of my mum, but I just can't be there for her and unhappy in my own skin.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I'm feeling rather...angry. I don't know, it just feels like people are DELIBERATELY trying to guilt trip me for leaving. As if the fucking universe is trying to stop me and goad me into sticking around longer. Fuckers. Of course, nobody knows and I'm just "projecting," but I do feel kind of pissed off. Is that weird?

I just can't stay. I don't want to stay. Too tired. Sick of chasing my tail. Sick of chasing the horizon. Sick of dead end pursuits and feeling like an "ungrateful prick" for not "enjoying the ride." Sick of trying and failing and ALWAYS scratching my head wondering where the fuck I went wrong. But I think most of all, knowing I should have done it 10 years ago and everything after was ALL for nothing. Just bullshit. So angry.

Assholes. Just let me have an easy transition into peace. Your problems ain't my problems... and my retarded ass wouldn't be able to help anyway.

Anyway, how you doing?

I could have written this post word for word. Yup. Life for many of us is nothing more than a cruel game. And once we decide to opt out, the hypocrisy of others shines through. I have been so angry too. The bitterness that is shunned & forbidden by a culture that lauds "free will" "choice" "beating the odds" "overcoming obstacles" and "resilience" finally breaks through & gives us that final push to board the bus. I'm not going to "suck it up and keep moving cause everyone has problems" I know everybody has fucking problems, but not everybody has the strength, tools, and emotional.capacity to handle those problems. I don't like learning from my mistakes when some mistakes are enough to alter my life forever with no chance of altering the consequences. I don't wsnt to live as a victim of my mental development due to years of abuse ad a child- and that DOES matter because that is when the foundation of our self, coping skills and basic humanity is laid. I don't see why I have to make lemonade out of lemons, or prove to the world just how strong I am by being the punching bag of life and some how "keep going". I bitter as fuck. Life dealt me a shitty hand and guess what? When.I threw the cards on the floor, flipped over the table and said fuck the game, don't tell me that it was my "choice" - it was no more of a choice than to remove ones hand from a hot stove. This society has really brainwashed people to think that enduring constant suffering is virtueous, that its all about being the butterfly in a cocoon, or a diamond being crushed by the pressure of coal. PAIN IS WHAT WILL GIVE YOU CHARACTER! PAIN IS WHAT WILL GIVE YOU EMPATHY! PAIN IS WHAT WILL MAKE YOU A BEAUTIFUL PERSON. Bullshit. I was raised under this crap all my life. Pain made me more bitter, angry, withdrawn, wounded, resentful.... If it is true that the nature of this life is to constantly be overcoming pain and suffering in order to.become enlightened, peaceful, happy, joyful, sucessful, content... well , what the fucking fuck, what a marvelous idea! No fucking thanks. Maybe if I hadn't gotten such a spirit crushing, brutal early life, I might have had something to stand on and play this silly game while enjoying the many benefits that come from life- Pleasure, relationships, nature, spirituality... I cannot deny, this planet has some serious beauty and amazing phenomena. But not even sunsets, full moons, a warm fuzzy blanket right out of the dryer... can keep me here. My love to suffering ratio was simply off the charts. I would not expect myself to keep going. I have no reason to live, and if ANYONE objects, let THEM give me a fucking reason to live otherwise they should shut the fuck up.

 

[Are you lost too?]

[also venting]I thought I would be calmer.. I'm kind of anxious, nervous. Maybe even having some doubts ?
A little bit of fear of being found too early and ending up with brain damage.
A little bit of fear that maybe things would get better - this being the smaller or all fears.
I don't know, life is such a fucking nightmare. But I'm also kind of afraid of what comes next, especially for ctb.
I guess being raised as a catholic and then changing to spiritism( I guess this religion isn't famous in the us) ends up weighing in .. But mostly I think it's gonna be nothing, just like when we're sleeping. So the pain is gone. So it must be good. If it's headed to a lot of suffering, well, kind of am already there right?
Also worried of what it will do to my parents. But, as much as they have been so kind, loving and caring, doing what was possible for them to try to help me, I know I can't stay here, in pain, just because of them or to protect them.

Oh it feels great to be honest, to talk about what is going through my head. I'm glad my psychologist canceled today. I had no idea of what to talk about besides: I want to ctb. But then, dangerous move.

 

[bokete]

Feeling anxious and kinda angry, sometimes I feel calm thinking it's about to end soon. I had a date planned but knowing I'll not be alone I'll have to wait a bit, which makes me feel a little sad.

 

[Moon Flower]

I've got approx a week left. All my tension is gone and I feel at peace, but I'm slightly worried about the ones I'll be leaving behind.

 

[*KNAZ*]

I could have written this post word for word. Yup. Life for many of us is nothing more than a cruel game. And once we decide to opt out, the hypocrisy of others shines through. I have been so angry too. The bitterness that is shunned & forbidden by a culture that lauds "free will" "choice" "beating the odds" "overcoming obstacles" and "resilience" finally breaks through & gives us that final push to board the bus. I'm not going to "suck it up and keep moving cause everyone has problems" I know everybody has fucking problems, but not everybody has the strength, tools, and emotional.capacity to handle those problems. I don't like learning from my mistakes when some mistakes are enough to alter my life forever with no chance of altering the consequences. I don't wsnt to live as a victim of my mental development due to years of abuse ad a child- and that DOES matter because that is when the foundation of our self, coping skills and basic humanity is laid. I don't see why I have to make lemonade out of lemons, or prove to the world just how strong I am by being the punching bag of life and some how "keep going". I bitter as fuck. Life dealt me a shitty hand and guess what? When.I threw the cards on the floor, flipped over the table and said fuck the game, don't tell me that it was my "choice" - it was no more of a choice than to remove ones hand from a hot stove. This society has really brainwashed people to think that enduring constant suffering is virtueous, that its all about being the butterfly in a cocoon, or a diamond being crushed by the pressure of coal. PAIN IS WHAT WILL GIVE YOU CHARACTER! PAIN IS WHAT WILL GIVE YOU EMPATHY! PAIN IS WHAT WILL MAKE YOU A BEAUTIFUL PERSON. Bullshit. I was raised under this crap all my life. Pain made me more bitter, angry, withdrawn, wounded, resentful.... If it is true that the nature of this life is to constantly be overcoming pain and suffering in order to.become enlightened, peaceful, happy, joyful, sucessful, content... well , what the fucking fuck, what a marvelous idea! No fucking thanks. Maybe if I hadn't gotten such a spirit crushing, brutal early life, I might have had something to stand on and play this silly game while enjoying the many benefits that come from life- Pleasure, relationships, nature, spirituality... I cannot deny, this planet has some serious beauty and amazing phenomena. But not even sunsets, full moons, a warm fuzzy blanket right out of the dryer... can keep me here. My love to suffering ratio was simply off the charts. I would not expect myself to keep going. I have no reason to live, and if ANYONE objects, let THEM give me a fucking reason to live otherwise they should shut the fuck up.

I love this! Right on. I hate those people who say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I say "I'm tired of things trying to make me stronger and not killing me". People are so quick to throw out trite bullshit Oprah slogans to make them feel like they said something useful. When you realize the game has winners and losers and it can be totally random and capricious, then you are totally vindicated in saying "looks like I got a losing hand, fuck this". This shallow, vain, heartless, consumer culture has nothing for me. I hate it. I don't feel any connection or kinship with it. And the older I get the more painful that realization becomes. Is it wrong to be able to see that the emperor has no clothes and to say it?

 

[Stan]

Like you've been cheated/deprived? Life wasn't better to you and it's come to this? etc

I think that's a big contribution to the anger for sure. Having to plan so under the radar does not help as well as not being able to obtain a perfect method safely and within a reasonable cost or risk.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I love this! Right on. I hate those people who say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I say "I'm tired of things trying to make me stronger and not killing me". People are so quick to throw out trite bullshit Oprah slogans to make them feel like they said something useful. When you realize the game has winners and losers and it can be totally random and capricious, then you are totally vindicated in saying "looks like I got a losing hand, fuck this". This shallow, vain, heartless, consumer culture has nothing for me. I hate it. I don't feel any connection or kinship with it. And the older I get the more painful that realization becomes. Is it wrong to be able to see that the emperor has no clothes and to say it?

Nope that motherfucker is NAY-KED! lol

 

[Sweet emotion]

I'm terrified. I'm at odds with my mother right now and I don't want to die hating her. But she's making it kind of impossibke for me to forgive her for physically hurting me while I'm already sick with a painful nerve disease. I'm angry, depressed, disgusted, and confused.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

I can relate somewhat. I don't want to go but I'm implement disabled physically and have no quality of life. I don't want to die but I don't want to suffer like this physically for too long, especially if it gets worse.

With that said, it makes me angry almost to the point of rage when someone judges me for thinking the way I do without knowing what it feels like. It makes me want to take a shovel to their legs. Especially the ones who suggest that it's somehow my fault that I am the way I am. I'd never do it but I honestly wish certain people were in my place and crippled with no answers. It's one thing to have no compassion. Fine. Have no compassion and go about your life. But to judge and smear me makes me angry beyond anything I've ever thought I was capable of.

Well...according to the "law of attraction," you actually attracted your disability into your life! So start thinking positively!

I'd like to go up to one of those speakers on their podiums and start punching their faces and be all like "Stop attracting my fist to your face! Stop attracting my fist to your face" etc

 

[Haku]

About 75 percent of me is excited and csnt wait to get this ctb over with, but the remainder 25 percent is partially terrified of method failure, there are some material things that I really wish I could be here for, and even though my mom knows i will ctb, I'm a little sad that I'll be hurting her, but that's why i told her and she has accepted that i will go through with this no matter what, i told her so her pain of me dying will not be there for long, that's what I'm hoping for, but other than that, that's it, this small percentage has been eating away at my mind a bit, but not bad enough to make me back out. My will to ctb outweighs all that other shit, I just hope I came fully make my mind understand that. I feel like Yin and Yang are fighting each other inside me, and its .aking me feel sick every single fucking day.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

I could have written this post word for word. Yup. Life for many of us is nothing more than a cruel game. And once we decide to opt out, the hypocrisy of others shines through. I have been so angry too. The bitterness that is shunned & forbidden by a culture that lauds "free will" "choice" "beating the odds" "overcoming obstacles" and "resilience" finally breaks through & gives us that final push to board the bus. I'm not going to "suck it up and keep moving cause everyone has problems" I know everybody has fucking problems, but not everybody has the strength, tools, and emotional.capacity to handle those problems. I don't like learning from my mistakes when some mistakes are enough to alter my life forever with no chance of altering the consequences. I don't wsnt to live as a victim of my mental development due to years of abuse ad a child- and that DOES matter because that is when the foundation of our self, coping skills and basic humanity is laid. I don't see why I have to make lemonade out of lemons, or prove to the world just how strong I am by being the punching bag of life and some how "keep going". I bitter as fuck. Life dealt me a shitty hand and guess what? When.I threw the cards on the floor, flipped over the table and said fuck the game, don't tell me that it was my "choice" - it was no more of a choice than to remove ones hand from a hot stove. This society has really brainwashed people to think that enduring constant suffering is virtueous, that its all about being the butterfly in a cocoon, or a diamond being crushed by the pressure of coal. PAIN IS WHAT WILL GIVE YOU CHARACTER! PAIN IS WHAT WILL GIVE YOU EMPATHY! PAIN IS WHAT WILL MAKE YOU A BEAUTIFUL PERSON. Bullshit. I was raised under this crap all my life. Pain made me more bitter, angry, withdrawn, wounded, resentful.... If it is true that the nature of this life is to constantly be overcoming pain and suffering in order to.become enlightened, peaceful, happy, joyful, sucessful, content... well , what the fucking fuck, what a marvelous idea! No fucking thanks. Maybe if I hadn't gotten such a spirit crushing, brutal early life, I might have had something to stand on and play this silly game while enjoying the many benefits that come from life- Pleasure, relationships, nature, spirituality... I cannot deny, this planet has some serious beauty and amazing phenomena. But not even sunsets, full moons, a warm fuzzy blanket right out of the dryer... can keep me here. My love to suffering ratio was simply off the charts. I would not expect myself to keep going. I have no reason to live, and if ANYONE objects, let THEM give me a fucking reason to live otherwise they should shut the fuck up.

Yeah, I used to think "God (or whatever) can only give you as much as you can handle." What a crock of shit. There is no God. There is nothing.

But some people do actually "become diamonds" after being exposed to extreme pressures; they've turned their lives around etc. Good for them. If they write a book or get a movie made I'm sure I'll get around to seeing it . But the sad truth is, not everyone can, like you said.

 

[Notf1xable]

Well...according to the "law of attraction," you actually attracted your disability into your life! So start thinking positively!

I'd like to go up to one of those speakers on their podiums and start punching their faces and be all like "Stop attracting my fist to your face! Stop attracting my fist to your face" etc

I've heard that bs so much, so I guess I attracted all the abusive people into my life or I even get the karma from a past life from a family member and friends. How can a person have so little empathy? My comeback is usually about people with things out of their control having terrible things happen kids with cancer, people that have medical issues (the fact it was used against you is disgusting), people in countries that lack the resources they need. No one can think themselves into a better situation, we even have the science that backs that up. I think the reason why is because people seeing other people suffer is taken different ways. My husband said the stuff that happened when we were together was God making me suffer for a higher purpose. And a lot of people look at people going through things as a character flaw instead of looking at the surrounding situation and the people that do make it are just lucky or already have connections in the world.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Well...according to the "law of attraction," you actually attracted your disability into your life! So start thinking positively!

I'd like to go up to one of those speakers on their podiums and start punching their faces and be all like "Stop attracting my fist to your face! Stop attracting my fist to your face" etc

LMAO! You're too funny. I know exactly what you mean.

 

[Astral316]

I feel similar to how a lifer in prison would if he ordered an escape map and chisel online to be delivered to his cell. I got the escape map (SN) and now I'm just waiting on the chisel (meto). I don't know how I'll feel right before I ctb but at the moment I'm relieved and excited.