Venting "If you really wished to die, you'd be dead already."

[tatteredbone]

To start with, I suffer from depression, discourage BPD, autism and schizophrenia. My current medical professional suspects some form of osdd-1 too but. That is not important to this...

I find the core to my suicidal nature is the disgusting mix of all of these disorders, My autism makes it difficult to understand others and I grow overwhelmed easier, anxiety makes me overthink those encounters, my bpd makes me get more drastic and hopeless, while my depression is the icing on the cake. I find so much of my life has been this neverending cycle that repeats these steps, I'm not strong enough to just kill myself and my ex once called me pathetic and a faker. siting if I truly wishes to die, I would have done it years ago.

Dealing with that partner drilled so many things into my head but that one stuck, now every time I feel suicidal or even think of harming myself I remember his words. And it pushes me to try suicide again. I'm pathetic and would do overdoses or try hanging myself only to cut the rope, or just not take the right medication/enough.
Every time I grow nauseous, vomit, feel feverish and lay in bed I feel disappointed in myself knowing I didn't hit the mark again.
I feel I am at a point in my life where things have gotten easier and happier, I have good friends who understand me. and luckily rarely see my suicidal side, but I'm still depressed. I still feel empty, I'm still scared of being abandoned and when I feel ignored or believe I'm about to lose someone I want to cut myself open like some pig in a butchers. But I can't.

I'm so tired, will this feeling ever go away, Do you guys think death is truly worth it? I know some people may mourn me or miss me, and the void of death scares me but. In a life like mine, is it worth it anymore? To add on top of everything I'm transgender and not happy with my feminine body. I whore myself out just to feel the momentary bliss that orgasms give. Nothing is enough. At this point, I accept any suicide method suggestions or even self-harm. I've accepted this may be my lifestyle to keep trying these masochist-depraved deeds. My arms are coated in thick scars. I can not see anywhere else to fit them, I do not wish to move anywhere else or when I have tried it was never good enough. I need a new form of hurting myself, recently I've just used overdosing on my depression medication as a form of giving myself the pain I deserve for being a "horrible person" (all close to me disagree. I hate it.) and if ran out or likely recently, my body refuses to even take one pill; I've resorted to cutting over old scars and hitting the cut until my arm goes limp.
I feel I'm losing my mind, why do the voices tell me this is what I must do, why do I like the pain? why do I want more, is this some depraved coping mechanism, or have I finally just lost it?

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like such an awful situation to be trapped in, existing in this world certainly can be torture and there really does seem to be no real relief from suffering. Of course it's very much understandable feeling so tired of it all.

 

[Catastrofe]

Please

my ex once called me pathetic and a faker. siting if I truly wishes to die, I would have done it years ago.

Stupid asshole.

Every time I grow nauseous, vomit, feel feverish and lay in bed I feel disappointed in myself knowing I didn't hit the mark again.

Please, do not be so hard on yourself. To ctb is hard and painful, as a decision and as an act. We, as humans, are not built to kill ourselves, because of SI and because our body will fight it. Ctb is everything but easy.

I feel I am at a point in my life where things have gotten easier and happier, I have good friends who understand me. and luckily rarely see my suicidal side,

Try to enjoy this the more you can !

In a life like mine, is it worth it anymore?

Nobody can tell, but you. It is difficult because there is no answer from outside, nobody can know for sure if it is worth or not. But the thing is that in a way there is always time to ctb. If you are not sure, just do not do it. This forum has stories of people setting everything but then not going through it because not 100% sure, and ending up in deep panic and discomfort.
I have been suicidal for 5 years in total, I am starting a therapy and atm cannot commit either to life or to death so, I know the issue. Also, I feel that the advice I am giving you is somehow poor, because sometimes the pain is so intense that I just would like to go in that exact moment.
But the truth is that nobody here can tell you what to do.

I am very sorry to hear about the pain you are in.
As I said, try to enjoy the good friends you have as much as you can. True friendship has some kind of magic in it, I really believe it is the only real medicine and therapy that exhist, because that is pure and inconditional love.

I wish you can take a breath .
Keep us posted :)

 

[onceinthefuturewas]

I also agree......life can be extremely hard sometimes, but make the most of what comfort there is. I think that your coping mechanism of hurting yourself may be to make yourself numb to the pain, which is why keep doing it over and over again. (this is just my theory tho) You can try a different method if you're comfortable with it, but you don't have to depreciate yourself in any way because everyone has their own coping mechanisms.
I hope that you relax yourself at least from time to time, relaxing(e.g reading) is a good way to forget the pains you are in.

 

[goddaydog]

I'm so tired, will this feeling ever go away, Do you guys think death is truly worth it?

Tbh, i'm in the same situation, but even so I feel like I lived too little to reply to this. There are still a few things I wanna do before I go so I'll do them b4 i finally give up and die. Maybe if you have anything you wanna do before you go, then do it because you won't live twice. But if you're sure of your choice, then no one can stop you.

 

[unnormal9]

Do you guys think death is truly worth it?

I do; as I desire nothing but peace and solace, an absence of pain, eternally.