If you have your method of ctb ready without fail Which factors are stoping you Vs factors pushing you? Or is it one way too overwhelming?

[Ineedtodie]

For me Its unfortunately too damn overwhelming against me.
I just want to sleep through this pain and helplessness all day. Or "impulsively" ctb to stop it. People might think I' m in emotional state to think right but in reality too much factors are against me. Mental illness took too much from me and left me unguarded and helpless for too long leading me too deep.

 

[Need2BFree]

Factors pushing me:
Body Dysmorphic disorder, Fear of leaving my flat, Depression - I've lost the ability to enjoy everything my dog, friends, ppl, life, music, TV no satisfaction from anything can't even enjoy a fecking long soak in the bath, I don't enjoy anything on the tv, im in a constant state of boredom, I have no preferences as I can't tell you what I like, food/meals taste bland, can't even enjoy a cup of tea it doesn't taste good, I can't even enjoy sitting outside restless mind and body, inner restlessness.
When I look up at the sky I can't experience how beautiful it is! I'm not experiencing my surroundings feel detached not present even tho I know when I am. The atmosphere doesn't look vibrant thr colours are dulled down.
Self loathing, low self of stem, strong strong hate towards myself, irritable mood all of the time, everything annoys me, I don't experience happiness, I have crippling anxiety which leaves me in a constant state of fear which leaves me shaking up inside all of the time. Dread of living another day, sorry I think I have an endless list :)

Factors stopping me - I know my friends will be OK,
My dog is stopping me but it's gotten to the point even I can't be here for my dog anymore. I absolutely hate myself for that. I hope my friend when they read the note on my phone will find a loving home for my dog, when I will eventually go.

Factors pushing me:
Body Dysmorphic disorder, Fear of leaving my flat, Depression - I've lost the ability to enjoy everything my dog, friends, ppl, life, music, TV no satisfaction from anything can't even enjoy a fecking long soak in the bath, I don't enjoy anything on the tv, im in a constant state of boredom, I have no preferences as I can't tell you what I like, food/meals taste bland, can't even enjoy a cup of tea it doesn't taste good, I can't even enjoy sitting outside restless mind and body, inner restlessness.
When I look up at the sky I can't experience how beautiful it is! I'm not experiencing my surroundings feel detached not present even tho I know when I am. The atmosphere doesn't look vibrant thr colours are dulled down.
Self loathing, low self of stem, strong strong hate towards myself, irritable mood all of the time, everything annoys me, I don't experience happiness, I have crippling anxiety which leaves me in a constant state of fear which leaves me shaking up inside all of the time. Dread of living another day, sorry I think I have an endless list :)

Factors stopping me - I know my friends will be OK,
My dog is stopping me but it's gotten to the point even I can't be here for my dog anymore. I absolutely hate myself for that. I hope my friend when they read the note on my phone will find a loving home for my dog, when I will eventually go.

Sorry too many typo's

 

[Someday_Somehow32]

Same, it's overwhelming. Whenever I attempt (partial hanging) I can't seem to atleast get to a point where I'm going to pass out. I also try to avoid doing it after certain situations (aka big fights, celebrity dies, Holidays, someone around me dies) because I don't want it blamed on anything like that.

 

[Neverfeltdeader]

Factors pushing me:
Fear of dying an unexpected horrific death. I much rather die on my own terms.
Aging- I don't want to keep aging. I have not aged well and I don't have money for plastic surgery.
I'm not successful nor will I ever be.
Lack of funds. If I had a lot more money in my life I might reconsider my choice to ctb.

Factors stopping me:
My husband. We're always together so I would have to find a way to sneak out of the house without worrying him. It also breaks my heart thinking about how much this will hurt him. We also own a business together so I fear that he won't be able to manage working alone once I ctb.

 

[Ineedtodie]

Factors pushing me:
Body Dysmorphic disorder, Fear of leaving my flat, Depression - I've lost the ability to enjoy everything my dog, friends, ppl, life, music, TV no satisfaction from anything can't even enjoy a fecking long soak in the bath, I don't enjoy anything on the tv, im in a constant state of boredom, I have no preferences as I can't tell you what I like, food/meals taste bland, can't even enjoy a cup of tea it doesn't taste good, I can't even enjoy sitting outside restless mind and body, inner restlessness.
When I look up at the sky I can't experience how beautiful it is! I'm not experiencing my surroundings feel detached not present even tho I know when I am. The atmosphere doesn't look vibrant thr colours are dulled down.
Self loathing, low self of stem, strong strong hate towards myself, irritable mood all of the time, everything annoys me, I don't experience happiness, I have crippling anxiety which leaves me in a constant state of fear which leaves me shaking up inside all of the time. Dread of living another day, sorry I think I have an endless list :)

Factors stopping me - I know my friends will be OK,
My dog is stopping me but it's gotten to the point even I can't be here for my dog anymore. I absolutely hate myself for that. I hope my friend when they read the note on my phone will find a loving home for my dog, when I will eventually go.

Sorry too many typo's

I relate a lot with you. I also have BDD and I have the same experience of life you're describing.

Can't enjoy nd no satisfaction from anything.
Aways restless .
Always anxious and on my toes.
Low self worth. Shame eating at me all the time.
Disconnected from my body and the world.
The funny thing is my illness was way more gripping few years back. Like incredibly more gripping.
Yet my life is as dreadful as ever. I guess you can't go through years with such mental illness without horrible consequences in a shitty world.

I' m in incredibly low mood that I can't even type.So dreadfuly lonely and debilitated

I grieve being wickedly unlucky to have to suffer and live this way.

 

[Need2BFree]

@Ineedtodie I am so sorry to hear that your suffering. Even tho words doesn't take anything away, I wish I could find the right words to say to you to bring you comfort. Even for a moment (((hugs)))

 

[Daria98765]

No factors,just pure animal fear of death.
Dreaming about ctb and doing it feel so different for me.
it's really scary when you are actually doing it.

 

[help56]

Same here fear . If someone took me out or a quick bus hit me that would be good

 

[Ineedtodie]

Factors pushing me:
Fear of dying an unexpected horrific death. I much rather die on my own terms.
Aging- I don't want to keep aging. I have not aged well and I don't have money for plastic surgery.
I'm not successful nor will I ever be.
Lack of funds. If I had a lot more money in my life I might reconsider my choice to ctb.

Factors stopping me:
My husband. We're always together so I would have to find a way to sneak out of the house without worrying him. It also breaks my heart thinking about how much this will hurt him. We also own a business together so I fear that he won't be able to manage working alone once I ctb.

I would definitely not ctb if I had a lot of money. So much things I can do to feel less hopless and alone. But that is just false hope.

@Ineedtodie I am so sorry to hear that your suffering. Even tho words doesn't take anything away, I wish I could find the right words to say to you to bring you comfort. Even for a moment (((hugs)))

Thank you. You msg means a lot to me. So sorry you're hurt too . Wish you freedom from you suffering. (((((hugs)))))

 

[AliciaFox32]

For me Its unfortunately too damn overwhelming against me.
I just want to sleep through this pain and helplessness all day. Or "impulsively" ctb to stop it. People might think I' m in emotional state to think right but in reality too much factors are against me. Mental illness took too much from me and left me unguarded and helpless for too long leading me too deep.

I feel this completely.

 

[help56]

When will my pain end . Mental pain is soo hard to explain to people . It eats you like cancer but you can't get the same understanding .
I want out I wish someone would put me out of my misery .

 

[Ambivalent1]

I plan to drink vodka and then jump, but I'm afraid.

 

[help56]

I can't cope yet I have no courage

 

[help56]

Hi I need help