If you have attempted to ctb

[lostmyself]

What was going through your mind right before you attempted to ctb? Were you devastated that your planned failed? So many thoughts running through my mind.

 

[WornOutLife]

I was happily drunk and super duper calm because I knew it was the end. I would finally be at peace and wouldn't have to worry about stuff happening in this world anymore.

However, my plan failed. I was devastated and frustrated! (especially when people judged me. You know, they just see you as the "suicidal mad guy")

Anyway, if you fail, hell and probably psych ward are coming.

As for me, I was in a coma for 2 days, 1 month in hospital (even got covid there) and 5 months as a prisoner in my parents' house.

I'm finally free but damn, I don't wanna fail next time.

 

[loopylou]

I took a massive over dose. As I started to feel sleepy I just thought this is easier than I thought. Next thing I knew I woke up two days later absolutely fine except tachycardia which made me feel a bit sick.

 

[callmesenorita]

I just remember feeling VERY blank mostly. Couldn't hold a single thought in my head; there was either zero thoughts or a million at times. Then my mother found me, and well, I realised just how far gone I was when my favourite person's anguished screams didn't make me feel anything.

 

[Lost10]

That I was glad it would be over soon. I was at peace and glad I'd be asleep soon. When I woke up the next day I was mad I was still alive. This was almost 20 years ago.

 

[W’ren]

In one case, all i remember is waking from the coma intubated in hospital.
I had no idea how long i'd been there or how i had put myself there.
If only i could recall exactly what i'd taken- i'm thinking it was likely a massive overdose, my parents never wanted to talk about it or any of my attempts.
You know, sweep it under the rug... don't acknowledge it and it didn't happen.... "nothing wrong with our kid"....
I know i felt differently depending on which time i attempted.
I failed each time... obviously. But when rage-induced, crying, spontaneous... yeah, not good- bound to fail.
Thought through attempt... with planning... almost success. I was calm- too calm, almost dreamlike. What went through my head was that this is the right thing to do. I knew it with my whole being.
That's why i have researched the shit out of methods, locations, timing... everything this time.
Changed my method, changed my location... timing is dog-dependant... lol... but if i get stopped then someone around me is psychic.

 

[Tiredofhurting]

My wife left me took the kids and said some very awful things to me. I took a belt found a anchor point that was well weak as fuck. Put the belt around my neck hit the sweat spot. Passed out. Next thing I know is I was coming to in an extremely bad fog thinking I can not believe I did it. My body was weak I pulled my self out of the laundry room I was in. All I could think was I did it and failed. I am not sure how long I was out. Had I put one more hole of the belt on those hooks I would have been dead. I wish I had not failed because I can not seem to sink in to the abyss again. I have it all set up just have to embrace the dark when it comes but I can.

 

[AnnonyBox]

I had just the rope around my neck, normally I try with objects pressing on my carotid artery, and fail, this time I started to see blackness at the edge of my field of vision, like I do when I practice with just my fingers. I'm not sure what I was thinking, I just felt suddenly terrified, and I undid the noose I'd tied for partial, then I laid on my bed and cried for an hour.

 

[Tkmiz_Tsukumizu]

I thought I fell asleep but the next thing I wake up to is police and firemen rummaging through my room thinking I was abusing heroin when I tried to commit suicide with Wellbutrin 4 months ago. It felt like an eternity I was asleep and I was so mad I was being woken up.

 

[◄✵火✵〇°Ø•WÅR•Ī°〇✵火✵►]

The only thing I felt back then was determination and focus. I had a goal and suicide was the quickest and best way to get there. The only problem was, the method I chose at the time was too slow, inconvenient and unreliable. It made me restless and upset. After that, I only felt more determined to find the method that would be 100% right for me and 100% certain for me to be successful.

 

[Cashewmilk]

I was very excited and so desperate to just die finally, I was very much hoping that it would happen, I was 100% ready for it. It's hard to explain it properly because it happened so many times I lost count. Of course I've had like individual events where I made 1 attempt, but after those ones failed over the span of a decade, I had a noose hanging from my bathroom shower for almost a year, and a blanket on the floor because my knees got tired from trying to do partial compression. I would try every day, and it just didn't work. I kept hitting my jugular instead of my carotid, it was so frustrating. I think my mom saw the noose once, and my sister too, my mom was worried a little but not that much, my sister didn't care she thought it was silly. I was like 26-27-ish and had a lifetime of suicidal behavior so it just wasn't shocking or anything to anyone, and my room was the most disgusting mess it had ever been so barely anyone ever came in there. I was also battling with a severe heroin smoking addiction and it was the severe withdrawals that made me want to die, so that's why I was doing it almost everyday, because I couldn't get drugs and I was suffering so much.

 

[death137]

At one of my attempt I remember feeling very desperate and started to cut my neck with a razor blade. I cut deep and reached the left carotid artery but I felt I was being electrocuted when I tried to cut the artery. I couldn't bear the pain so I gave up. I was very angry that I came that close and failed. I was taken to hospital and during the journey I thought about opening the car door and throw myself at the road but I didn't do it. At the hospital they fix the cut and the next day I was taken to a psych ward. I really regret not dying that day.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I thought about all the possiblities. As far as regret, yes and no. I probably would have succeed but the method wasn't my preference. It was a night of just too much and I didn't have anything else on hand. I do regret it in the sense that I wouldn't be dealing with any of this bs today. But as for the method itself im grateful I didn't I guess.

 

[Lost10]

At one of my attempt I remember feeling very desperate and started to cut my neck with a razor blade. I cut deep and reached the left carotid artery but I felt I was being electrocuted when I tried to cut the artery. I couldn't bear the pain so I gave up. I was very angry that I came that close and failed. I was taken to hospital and during the journey I thought about opening the car door and throw myself at the road but I didn't do it. At the hospital they fix the cut and the next day I was taken to a psych ward. I really regret not dying that day.

I'm so sorry. There's a nerve right next to the artery and you were likely cutting that by accident. They lay back to back. I hope you can find peace at some point.

 

[Trisolaris]

My shitty life and strong desire to die were going through my mind. I was very frustrated that I failed. Still am.

 

[Sensei]

I had a severe, depressive, bipolar episode both times, so I felt no fear, no sorrow, no hesitation, nothing. Since my method was poppy seed tea, a very unreliable method, I woke up with morphine in my body and in a very good mood.

 

[death137]

I'm so sorry. There's a nerve right next to the artery and you were likely cutting that by accident. They lay back to back. I hope you can find peace at some point.

Yeah but there is also nerve on the artery and I was mostly cutting that.

 

[Meditation guide]

I made an impulsive attempt once with drugs but was rescued by friends.

 

[Mentalmick]

I was horrified it didn't work. I just couldn't believe I wasn't dying and I didn't know what to do. To think finishing what I'd started would of been so simple.

 

[Lost10]

Yeah but there is also nerve on the artery and I was mostly cutting that.

That's what I meant

 

[JusttryingtoDeal]

I did minimal research with my three attempts and tried by overdose and alcohol each time with Trazadone, Seroquel and Depacote(2500-3000 mg of each). The statistics seem to be valid for prescription meds...

My last attempt was combined with bagging but I couldn't pass out fast enough to stay bagged. I remember waking up wanting help but still felt suicidal and 23 days hospitalized did not change that. I told the doctors I would try again and they still released me, homeless, jobless, back into society.

It wasn't until months later in a shelter that I felt any urge to live again. Not sure what the trigger was to keep going but I find myself in limbo once again. Still looking for answers for myself and whether I ctb or not, I hopefully will either get busy living or get busy dying.

 

[BandAddict]

Usually my attempts begin with desperation or panic, so it's very spontaneous. All overdoses, and some of the times the panic didn't go away until I fell asleep, always ending with disappointment. Sometimes once I've taken everything I feel a wave of calm poor over me. A little sad, a little lonely, but relieved.

My last attempt was prompted by panic and hysteria again, but once I took everything and locked myself in the bathroom, I felt so good. I felt safe, relieved, and like it was finally going to be over. I kept coming in and out of consciousness, threw up, but only water which made me feel better that nothing was coming out. Then the police came knocking on the bathroom door and I was so delirious at that point I opened it because I was afraid they'd be mad at me *facepalm*

Yes, I regret it. I think about it all the time.

 

[ixkitty]

What was going through your mind right before you attempted to ctb? Were you devastated that your planned failed? So many thoughts running through my mind.

So I've attempted a lot of times so I'll start with the first time I was hospitalized after a failed attempt...
Attempt 1: I was drunk, 24 hr hospitalization.. I was frustrated with nursing school as well as overall failure. I was devastated but more hungover.
Attempt 2: I was calm, I was hospitalized for 3 weeks court ordered because I was a hazard.. I was violent and frustrated and gained many bite injuries.
Attempt 3: I was semi drunk, I was found.. 48 hour hospitalization, 24 hour coma. I lied and told them I took something to help me study but it wasn't what I thought. I was more annoyed than anything..
Attempt 4: I was frustrated. Someone came over and took me before the police got there. I stayed at their house for 24 hours (it was after the CTB of my ex fiance, still friend, and death of a cousin via COVID) I lied and told them I wasn't doing anything.. just sleeping.. Not enough to kill (obviously)
Attempt 5: I was exhausted after I woke up..

In these attempts they were semi plans before, some pushed to action due to external circumstances. I had a mix of devastation and frustration, Exhaustion and that overall useless/giving up feeling.

You will think a lot! as someone who's barely 30, You might consider where you could have traveled to if you wasn't tied down by job/school/fear. Things you haven't done yet.. the basic forms of regret. I thought of not being married, not having kids, not graduating with a bachelor's, not having a career I love, not having a house, not leaving the country, barely leaving the state, etc.. I'm an overthinker so I think a lot.. This is basically the tip..

 

[NeverSatisfied]

I was 11 or 12 (in the 6th grade). I remember my dad and sister arguing before I had a soccer game on a hot day. I was completely calm and remember thinking the pain would all end soon as I downed as much of a bottle of rubbing alcohol as I could (don't mind the taste, but the pain after wasn't worth it). I passed out on the field and woke to my teammates breaking the huddle "for (my name)!." My parents argued over whos fault it was while I stayed in the hospital for the next few days and made a dance with a friend for the school play.

I guess I was mainly calm before. Kinda disassociated. Told myself the next time I wouldn't fail. So here I am...

 

[Rockman]

Sorrow, agony, pain, suffering, despair. Day like everyday. I was desperate then. Now I am calm and I try to plan everything carefully to make it better fit my expectations.

 

[Blue Rose]

I can remember my attmpts in 2017 still.
Not only I was sorrowful but also calm.
Since they had no specific reason, I can't explain why I felt them to you.
But I am sure that you and many members can understand this reply well.

I had focused on the progress of CTB and waited for death with temperated attitude.
But my mother had found me by chance, a medical team rescued me.

I was disappointed, frustrated, and miserable.
Sometimes I think I should have died on any previous attempt.

 

[Ctb2b3]

my first time i was pissed off with my mother. later that day the house was empty apart from me so took a packet of epilim, half a packet of carbamazepine and a load of sleeping tablets. i then apparently called emergency services and woke up in hospital how ever long later. a few years later i wrapped electrical wire around my neck and a tree, and again took a shit load of sleeping pills while sitting on a branch waiting for them to take effect. i then woke up at home having walked over half a mile and leaving 2 doors wide open. it was dark when i woke up and had left phone at the location so had to go back and get it. 3d time i didnt even attempt. was scammed. Evidently im incapable of even killing myself.
fml.
lets see if 4th time will be more effective.
I think every time i attempted i didnt really think of anything. just wanted to get it over and done with.