If you had the opportunity to “get even” with someone, would you?

[Pryras]

Not talking about a minor misunderstanding here but a lasting trauma...if they hurt you financially, mentally and physically....would you have your revenge or leave it be? Does it make you an awful person for taking the former?

My mother will often take the "high road" and if she's hurting, she deals with it as best as she can. I like to think of myself as a kind hearted person (at least that's what people have described me as) but I have sudden onset feelings of resentment that take over me and make me feel awful for even thinking about it....

 

[BPD Barbie]

Let bygones be bygones. I've never been one for revenge or getting even. If you hurt me, use me, treat me badly, that's you're wrong doing and I won't lower myself to the same level. It just feels petty and point scoring. I will be the bigger person. Kill them with kindness.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I've thought about this a lot, and there are several different ways to view it. But I'll just focus on the perspective I've worked on the most.

I think to seek revenge is to seek a restoral of balance. But one can't get back what was taken, and it's not a salve that heals the wounds. At best, now more people feel like shit (provided the revenge works), so how would it make me feel to make them feel like shit? Would they learn from it? Can I guarantee that they'll suffer? Can I guarantee they can't somehow turn it to their benefit?

Personally, I like to imagine things. I imagine the moments of abuse and doing all the things I couldn't do then, like turning around and beating the utter fuck out of the person. I imagined and briefly considered poisoning an abuser with a gift of food that had an ingredient he was allergic to. I imagine putting a hurt on my parents' support systems by outing them to their friends and extended family members, since the foundations of the support they are given are built on lies. All this imagining helps me feel more powerful, as well as reveals to me that these people also have serious weaknesses that can be exploited, so they're not so fucking powerful or invincible after all, in fact they're quite weak.

When it comes to choosing whether or not to take revenge, I feel more powerful knowing how much I could hurt them and they don't have a clue that at every moment, they are vulnerable. I also take comfort in the fact that, while not everyone gets what they deserve, they are always vulnerable to their false foundations being shattered, whether by me or by someone else, and sometimes it's just a matter of the right moment when their lies catch up to them, without me having to do a thing. But I can revisit the fantasies any time I want, and find even more chinks in their facades of armor.

 

[Pryras]

I've thought about this a lot, and there are several different ways to view it. But I'll just focus on the perspective I've worked on the most.

I think to seek revenge is to seek a restoral of balance. But one can't get back what was taken, and it's not a salve that heals the wounds. At best, now more people feel like shit (provided the revenge works), so how would it make me feel to make them feel like shit? Would they learn from it? Can I guarantee that they'll suffer? Can I guarantee they can't somehow turn it to their benefit?

Personally, I like to imagine things. I imagine the moments of abuse and doing all the things I couldn't do then, like turning around and beating the utter fuck out of the person. I imagined and briefly considered poisoning an abuser with a gift of food that had an ingredient he was allergic to. I imagine putting a hurt on my parents' support systems by outing them to their friends and extended family members, since the foundations of the support they are given are built on lies. All this imagining helps me feel more powerful, as well as reveals to me that these people also have serious weaknesses that can be exploited, so they're not so fucking powerful or invincible after all, in fact they're quite weak.

When it comes to choosing whether or not to take revenge, I feel more powerful knowing how much I could hurt them and they don't have a clue that at every moment, they are vulnerable. I also take comfort in the fact that, while not everyone gets what they deserve, they are always vulnerable to their false foundations being shattered, whether by me or by someone else, and sometimes it's just a matter of the right moment when their lies catch up to them, without me having to do a thing. But I can revisit the fantasies any time I want, and find even more chinks in their facades of armor.

I often imagine scenarios like this too, and when you put it this way it brings me some relief knowing that they are vulnerable and how much control I really hold. This was a nice perspective, and thank you for the response

 

[GoBack]

There is one person is like to beat to a pulp with a baseball bat before I go. For all the pain he caused me and my family. I could die happy then.

I know my life is not salvageable but maybe my families honour is. thats why

 

[Yomyom]

If I had a way to hurt the people who caused me pain, they will regret the day they were born.
Revenge is such a powerful emotion, fills you up with Adrenaline, which flushes the whole body with anemia, much more fun than sex or any other drug.

I don't get people who said that revenge is an empty feeling and will make you feel hole, that's a lie, it's make you feel alive

My ideal revenge-

 

[Pryras]

There is one person is like to beat to a pulp with a baseball bat before I go. For all the pain he caused me and my family. I could die happy then.

I know my life is not salvageable but maybe my families honour is. thats why

I understand your anger, i share similar feelings towards someone who brought my family and i hell so I get it.

 

[Ipassbutter]

I guess it depends on how you plan to exact revenge. You can cause someone to suffer by ignoring their actions and invalidating their existence as a person. Or, you can set fire to their house.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I guess it depends on how you plan to exact revenge. You can cause someone to suffer by ignoring their actions and invalidating their existence as a person. Or, you can set fire to their house.

Your comment was both insightful and witty. It made me laugh. Normally I use the heart react since we don't have a laugh react, but I felt uncomfortable appearing to say, "Hooray for arson of someone's domicile!"

 

[Skathon]

I always do.

 

[Pryras]

I always do.

The opportunity came since the dude who hurt me started dating his subordinate (part timer) at work and while I don't care if they stay together or not, I think it would be interesting if his secret came out. Would it do anything? I doubt it since he's friends with higher management, but it would probably cause some disruption. Ugh I feel awful but I'm just imagining it....maybe I'm just an awful person and not as nice as I think I am.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Do you also work there? And do you have hard evidence?

 

[Pryras]

Do you also work there? And do you have hard evidence?

I don't work there I just know because he told me and I've spoken to them both over the phone when I tried explaining to him what I felt about being assaulted. (He thought it was a good idea to have his gf sit in the call?) I don't care about their relationship so much, more so that what he did has cost me like 12k in damages and trauma. Long story short we were close friends and one night I was intoxicated at his place and couldn't remember what happened when I woke up. Spoke to him about it but he DENIES everything. Told me I "wanted everything to happen" and he "didn't do anything I didn't want" ...we don't talk anymore but he's dating his subordinate is all I'm aware of.
Honestly I'm not a very vengeful person I just wanted a genuine sorry from him but every time I approach him about he says he's done talking about it and the last time I called him he laughed WITH his girlfriend when I started choking on my words from the tears. Idk I think they were meant for one another

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I don't work there I just know because he told me and I've spoken to them both over the phone when I tried explaining to him what I felt about being assaulted. (He thought it was a good idea to have his gf sit in the call?) I don't care about their relationship so much, more so that what he did has cost me like 12k in damages and trauma. Long story short we were close friends and one night I was intoxicated at his place and couldn't remember what happened when I woke up. Spoke to him about it but he DENIES everything. Told me I "wanted everything to happen" and he "didn't do anything I didn't want" ...we don't talk anymore but he's dating his subordinate is all I'm aware of.
Honestly I'm not a very vengeful person I just wanted a genuine sorry from him but every time I approach him about he says he's done talking about it and the last time I called him he laughed WITH his girlfriend when I started choking on my words from the tears. Idk I think they were meant for one another

It sounds like he's narcissistically abusive. I think that if you interfere and try to get him in trouble, he will use it as fuel and your goal of revenge will not be met. One day he's going to abuse the girlfriend as well, he's likely already setting her up. If he's narcissistic, the best revenge is to give him zero attention forever. Total no contact, total ignoring anything he does (unless you have to call the police, and even then, only communicate with the police). You are not a bad person, but he will do his best to make you feel like one or appear like one. He does not function like you do, there will never be acknowledgement or fairness. Everything is fuel for him, even negativity is something for him to use. Everything is competition, even when others don't realize it's a competition or want to compete, if they are at all engaged with him, the competition is on. Everyone and everything is his tool to suit his purpose. My suggestion, if you want power, is to take all attention away from him and live the best damn life you can. Expect him to hoover later on, ignore him. Expect that he may retaliate for not giving him positive or negative attention, ignore him. Expect he will try to play you and the other woman against each other, ignore him. Expect her to be a flying monkey for him. Expect her to one day come to you and say you were right, ignore her and maintain no contact with her and anyone in his life.

Okay, done venting.

TL;DR

He always wins. Don't play and there is no game, there's nothing for him to win. The little bit of dirt you have on him is fuel for him, it does not give you significant power, but he will find a way for it to empower him in the little games he plays.

That's my opinion.

 

[Pryras]

It sounds like he's narcissistically abusive. I think that if you interfere and try to get him in trouble, he will use it as fuel and your goal of revenge will not be met. One day he's going to abuse the girlfriend as well, he's likely already setting her up. If he's narcissistic, the best revenge is to give him zero attention forever. Total no contact, total ignoring anything he does (unless you have to call the police, and even then, only communicate with the police). You are not a bad person, but he will do his best to make you feel like one or appear like one. He does not function like you do, there will never be acknowledgement or fairness. Everything is fuel for him, even negativity is something for him to use. Everything is competition, even when others don't realize it's a competition or want to compete, if they are at all engaged with him, the competition is on. Everyone and everything is his tool to suit his purpose. My suggestion, if you want power, is to take all attention away from him and live the best damn life you can. Expect him to hoover later on, ignore him. Expect that he may retaliate for not giving him positive or negative attention, ignore him. Expect he will try to play you and the other woman against each other, ignore him. Expect her to be a flying monkey for him. Expect her to one day come to you and say you were right, ignore her and maintain no contact with her and anyone in his life.

Okay, done venting.

TL;DR

He always wins. Don't play and there is no game, there's nothing for him to win. The little bit of dirt you have on him is fuel for him, it does not give you significant power, but he will find a way for it to empower him in the little games he plays.

That's my opinion.

I needed this thank you. Ugh sometimes I just need to hear it from someone to really see it. He wants nothing to do with me and would be relieved with no contact since that's what he wants, to move on with his gf and all and forget what happened to me. I'm actually at fault here for trying to contact him but it was my way of talking about it since I knew I would've snapped and said something to his boss. But it's not helping me so why bother. Damn it sucks but what you said is very true. I was really frustrated for the past several months because he just doesn't carry empathy at all (especially shocking since we were so close?) but people like this really exist it's just hard for me to accept it.

 

[Remember to forget]

Hugs to you Pryras x
I understand exactly how you feel. You want to say so much, to tell them in accurate detail what you think of them. What I have done before is write it down, write everything you want to say, read it back a few times and get rid. It does help to get it a out, well it has helped me in the past.
I have imagined bad things happening to people who have made me extremely angry or took the piss out of my kindness, if it's right or wrong doesn't worry me, it just makes me feel better.

 

[Matthias_k]

Yes I would. Sometimes revenge is the only way of obtaining some justice. I agree that revenge doesn't fundamentally change anything but at least it can make people realize that they cannot just keep hurting others and systematically get away with it. There is no justice in the afterlife and as long as you have money and good lawyers it's pretty easy to escape justice or to have the sentence reduced to a bare minimum. Imo Revenge is not only about getting even.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I've learned to forgive and forget. I forgive for my own good rather than theirs. Holding onto that negativity is a waste of energy.

Sometimes I wish though that other people would "get even" with me instead. I've wronged people in my past and if that would balance things out then I'd be willing to make the sacrifice.

 

[Pryras]

Hugs to you Pryras x
I understand exactly how you feel. You want to say so much, to tell them in accurate detail what you think of them. What I have done before is write it down, write everything you want to say, read it back a few times and get rid. It does help to get it a out, well it has helped me in the past.
I have imagined bad things happening to people who have made me extremely angry or took the piss out of my kindness, if it's right or wrong doesn't worry me, it just makes me feel better.

You should have a look at my notes app on my phone and how much i've written over the past 7 months. i write all of it down and it fuels me up in a way.

Yes I would. Sometimes revenge is the only way of obtaining some justice. I agree that revenge doesn't fundamentally change anything but at least it can make people realize that they cannot just keep hurting others and systematically get away with it. There is no justice in the afterlife and as long as you have money and good lawyers it's pretty easy to escape justice or to have the sentence reduced to a bare minimum. Imo Revenge is not only about getting even.

Yeah, i'll never get what was taken from me and it was more about not letting someone get away scotch free. What's holding me back is not knowing how it could turn out and as @GoodPersonEffed put it, what if he turns it around to his benefit? There are people like my mother who sit quietly as she's very spiritual and believes EVERYONE gets their karma. Me on the otherhand.....i think bad people get away scotch free all the time with no repercussions.

I've learned to forgive and forget. I forgive for my own good rather than theirs. Holding onto that negativity is a waste of energy.

Sometimes I wish though that other people would "get even" with me instead. I've wronged people in my past and if that would balance things out then I'd be willing to make the sacrifice.

It's a good way to move forward, i don't know why but it's something i have a hard time applying in my own life. Sometimes i think ***i'm*** the Narcissist. Someone who wants complete control of a situation, but i'm empathetic towards good people so i don't know for sure. I'm 23 and i've been wronged before but moved forward fairly quickly, i don't know why this is hurting so bad.

 

[FusRohDracarys]

Revenge, but only if I could be sure it was so crushing that there's no chance of retaliation. Yes, that would make me a bad person. I have also already accepted that about my nature and way of thinking so I'm not particularly concerned.

"If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared."

 

[terry_a_davis]

I try to not act on impulses of revenge and i mostly don't but there has been instances where it has got the better of me and tbh it felt pretty good even though it made no difference to my well being or situation.
To me it depends a lot on if the act of revenge will lead to further action of revenge and so on...(I don't want this).

 

[UmbosGirl]

Not really. I blame myself as much as anyone else.

 

[K-O]

I have been told "your the kindest person i know" a fucking lot in my life.. little did they know it took soooo much energy on my part to be ego less. little did they fucking know of my struggles and real history.. so it has been high road all the way! forgiveness love kindness and taking the beating endless times then embacing the bully.. and self harm loop..
BUT Now (part of the reason im here) Ive just broken bad galore!
So to insure no casualties im house bound, dont go out dont open the door blocked every one exeps 2 people on phone and mail.. im a mf ticking time bomb.. im KILLEEMMMAALLL mode FORR DDAAYYZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!
And this place may be the thing keeping me calm and from ------------
and oxy obv..and and...
anger management? help? meds? fuck off!!! i got some seriuse ptsd triggers to deal with here! u wanna help me? fuck off! and fuck u v much!
its simple now- ive forsaken my chosen self- im back to rural!
WELCOME BACK TO THE JUNGLE

I have been told "your the kindest person i know" a fucking lot in my life.. little did they know it took soooo much energy on my part to be ego less. little did they fucking know of my struggles and real history.. so it has been high road all the way! forgiveness love kindness and taking the beating endless times then embacing the bully.. and self harm loop..
BUT Now (part of the reason im here) Ive just broken bad galore!
So to insure no casualties im house bound, dont go out dont open the door blocked every one exeps 2 people on phone and mail.. im a mf ticking time bomb.. im KILLEEMMMAALLL mode FORR DDAAYYZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!
And this place may be the thing keeping me calm and from ------------
and oxy obv..and and...
anger management? help? meds? fuck off!!! i got some seriuse ptsd triggers to deal with here! u wanna help me? fuck off! and fuck u v much!
its simple now- ive forsaken my chosen self- im back to rural!
WELCOME BACK TO THE JUNGLE

AND THE REASON FOR THIS LITTLE VENT AS U SAY IS CAUSE I JUST GOT AN "IM SORRY FOR LABELING U A MURDERER" MESSAGE FROM MY X LOVERS FAMILY. AND AGAIN-- LITTLE DO THEY KNOW IM ALIVE BY A MIRACLE AND THERE ARE FUCKING CONSEQUENCES FOR CHOICES ACTIONS AND BULLYING ! AND FOR NOT LOOKING IN THE FUCKING MIRROR! SO-------BREEDERS BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!
CAUSE REVENGE SOUNDS TEMPTING AND MY EYE IS TWITCHING..

 

[SpareWheel]

I'm in a good position to answer this. A few years ago someone hurt me, badly. Physically. I spent the 1st year or so recovering, plotting revenge, ever since then though I've come to terms with it and realised I'd be no better than them if I retaliated.

I have no idea how I'd react if or when I come across the people involved again. Maybe my calm manner will explode with rage, but I hope I'll be able to rise above it.

I did spend a good 12 months thinking and planning awful things though, in the end I understood the only person that was hurting was me.


Now - if it had been someone I love who'd they'd hurt, they'd be in trouble. I can and have forgiven a lot when it comes to me that's been the one at the receiving end, anyone else I'd happily do prison time for. I've never been a violent man, but I do know there's a darkness in me that'd be quick to come out if anyone harmed my loved ones.

 

[Pryras]

Revenge, but only if I could be sure it was so crushing that there's no chance of retaliation. Yes, that would make me a bad person. I have also already accepted that about my nature and way of thinking so I'm not particularly concerned.

"If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared."

i dont think that makes you a bad person. I think forgiving and forgetting has been normalized to the point where even thinking about revenge is "bad."