If things don’t work out

[yoyogirl]

Hi All

if things don't work out for my adjudication in a few weeks time and things hit a really awful low, I'm continue my pathway of low appetite and exercising regularly, I'm not going to opt for the flu jab or the 3rd jab for COVID as they will just be putting it a corpse's body eventually and will be more likely I will get back to regularly Xans/codeine.

I can't let her take away my career and can't get revenge, if at the end of the day If I can't return to my degree despite putting all of that effort in then there's no point in me living as it means I have to return to jobseeking which from what I have gathered, people only apply for the bare minimum not exactly 40+hours per week, more like fifteen minutes per application and then occasionally going into to look for work.

if obviously I'm sick mentally or physically, then I can't sign back on every two weeks, which hopefully would be a lot better for me.

But the thing is, I do want to live for my family and close friends and it would break their heart, so I want to stay alive and you never know.

I still got the plans either in motion

 

[yoyogirl]

With the impact of the covid-19 I do not want to be completing my placement from home again as that was just difficult and didn't give me any sense of routine. But if the course doesn't work out then I ain't gonna care as I am not gonna be leaving my house unless it's for exercise or I am sick and have to.

I also don't want to return back to any group or club I used to attend for mental health all those years ago or be invited to attend, as I much as like chatting to people and it's nie getting out in the community, the people I used to know were assholes and simply going to these groups will be like seeing the assholes once again, not exactly good for my mental health. Plus I hate colouring, I hate activities you have do with people I prefer solitudism and I ain't gonna back down.

I am thinking about fucking recovery completely, it's a totally pointless worthless activity and not very meaningful. TBH, I wish i could just order a load of Xanax now with large bottle of whiskey and live that lifestyle.

But thing is, no one can make someone with depression turn up these activities, mental health services can refer me to loads of well-being groups and demand that I attend, but ultimately all they would be doing is wasting time and paper work.

I have things that work for my well-being, they generally involve netflix, fasting and exercising and staying in environment that makes me feel safe and secure, for example my university building, despite the area being a bit of dump and crazy nightmare in the evening.

ideally I want to leave my town where I physically live as there is nothing there for me and make it out further on my own.