Venting if they knew how you felt...

[batmanreal]

i've always wondered how people would treat me if they knew the severity of my depression, but i've recently realized that it doesn't really matter.
i think everyone, to an extent, understands my situation. my family and a few people who were very close to me were all very aware of my ctb attempt, some of them were aware of the fact that i had attempted multiple times. they are all aware of my self harm, they have all heard me say that i want to die and that i am extremely miserable. none of that changed anything. i was coddled (almost infantilized by some) for a few days after my attempt, that's it. after that, it's right back to being ignored or even treated like shit. i've sorta come to the conclusion that no one believes me, they all probably think that my attempts were fake or something. so i guess they don't realize the severity of my situation? idk.
i'm a little annoyed. i know that when i ctb, there are a few people who will say "if i only knew what [name] was going through, i would have ____". it's fucking stupid. like i said, mostly everyone is completely aware of what i'm going through. even if they weren't aware, that sentiment doesn't change anything.
i'm not suicidal because "people are mean and it makes me sad :(". i'm suicidal because i'm apparently repulsive and no one wants to be around me and no one in my life will stay. someone being around me because they pity me doesn't make me feel better because it doesn't change the actual issue. maybe that just makes me pessimistic and ungrateful, though.

it sounds horrible, anyway. "yeah i would've treated [name] better and hung out with them... but only if i was 100% sure that they were gonna blow their brains out. outside of that, nah."

 

[DirtCommie]

If there are people there who want to be around you not cause they like anything in particular about your personality but rather cause they want to show you that they care then I guess thats good....for a while. Though clearly them wanting to befriend you is ingenuine cause they dont like anything in particular about your personality lol. And obviously these people wont stay in your life all that long cause why would they ? if they have a million other options of other people who's personality they genuinely areinterested in why would they stay ? lol Its not being ungrateful to show animosity towards those who are showing you ingenuine interest (but I guess it becomes awkward if they actually weregenuinely interested in you....)

 

[batmanreal]

If there are people there who want to be around you not cause they like anything in particular about your personality but rather cause they want to show you that they care then I guess thats good....for a while. Though clearly them wanting to befriend you is ingenuine cause they dont like anything in particular about your personality lol. And obviously these people wont stay in your life all that long cause why would they ? if they have a million other options of other people who's personality they genuinely areinterested in why would they stay ? lol Its not being ungrateful to show animosity towards those who are showing you ingenuine interest (but I guess it becomes awkward if they actually weregenuinely interested in you....)

yeaaa if there's no genuine interest, then it's redundant imo.
either way, i doubt there's any actual care for me or my wellbeing. when people say "if i knew how bad [name]'s situation was/if i knew [name] was going to commit suicide, then i would've acted differently", it probably has nothing to do with care—they just don't want to look like a bad person.
if they cared, they would take notice when they see that person struggling, they would take action when that person outright states that they're struggling/presents their suicidal ideation. there are some exceptions ofc, i'm sure some people do care, but that's just not the case most of the time.

thank you for responding. sorry if my grammar sucks dawg i'm literally at work rn