If severe enough, early trauma is a death sentence

[BlazingBob]

My two older brothers and I were subjected to horrendous abuse, neglect and eventual abandonment. My oldest brother is a 55 year old heroin addict and meth head with chronic pain and seizures and has tried to ctb twice. My middle brother is successful but absolutely miserable and as he put it is just waiting for the clock to run out. I've suffered with severe treatment resistant depression and for the past 15 years debilitating physical health problems. Our brains are wired differently than those who were loved and encouraged growing up. I've tried all manner of treatments and have made so many attempts to deal with these demons but at 51 years old I'm in worse shape than ever. I have multiple neurological conditions that I know are connected to what happened to me growing up. I'm just wondering how many others have found their way to this site for similar reasons.

 

[Ephemeron]

I know your situation all too well, Bob. All fucking too well. There's no end to this shit for most of us.

 

[BlazingBob]

I know your situation all too well, Bob. All fucking too well. There's no end to this shit for most of us.

Thank you for your response. I'm just tired of fighting a war I can't win. I'm just tired period.

 

[Ephemeron]

Thank you for your response. I'm just tired of fighting a war I can't win. I'm just tired period.

I'm sure you're familiar with "get help" and all that shit. Of course, "help" = being made a zombie by SSRIs/etc. That's it. There is no cure for having a brain destroyed by trauma. Wish I could say something positive, but this is the reality.

 

[WeJumpToFly]

I keep trying to be positive, thinking: well, compared to what I have experienced from such a young age I am doing really good actually.


Doesn't change the fact that I am not fine, and never will be.

 

[JezebelDuLioncourt]

I feel you, mate. I am deeply moved by your post. Your story is heart-wrenching.

I, too, am here due to many severe traumatic events I have suffered through. I'm diagnosed with severe PTSD both from childhood and adulthood experiences. What pushed me over the edge and brought me here were the harrowing ordeals that I went through recently, in the last four years. Life assaulted me on all fronts: physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual.

The memories are unbearably painful. I'm scared of my thoughts, of my own mind. I try to dispel them by busying myself with manual labor all day long until I'm ready to collapse in exhaustion at the end of the day. But I can't prevent the spontaneous flashbacks. When they happen, I find myself sometimes howling on the ground a pile of mess, other times catatonic, immovable on one spot.

I need to die soon, and very soon I will catch that damn bus.

 

[juna]

Can childhood emotional neglect /abuse even be fixed? I have a perfect life today but I cry everyday and night because I just keep remembering those memories. I have never experienced happiness. I am so sad that death seems like the only way to solve troubles. I think the brain just changes after experiencing something severe especially in childhood. I envy others because they can feel happiness while I feel like an empty shell of pain and rage. When I was a kid, I used to hope that someone would break into the house and kill me, I wish I had the strength to commit suicide at that time. This suffering seems unnecessary. Some people should never have kids.

 

[LetMeBeSad]

I have been through the ringer too Bob. Sorry that happened to you. How did you make it to 51? I'm 39 and I am dumbfounded I made it this far. I thought I'd be dead before adulthood. First time I tried was 8. I have a few serious attempts under my belt that just happened to not work out.

But I agree, child abuse is a death sentence.

 

[BlazingBob]

I have been through the ringer too Bob. Sorry that happened to you. How did you make it to 51? I'm 39 and I am dumbfounded I made it this far. I thought I'd be dead before adulthood. First time I tried was 8. I have a few serious attempts under my belt that just happened to not work out.

But I agree, child abuse is a death sentence.

Thank you. I honestly don't know how I've made it this far. Having a career I enjoyed probably helped, but that has been stolen by debilitating health problems. The only obstacle between me and ctb are my pets. Once they're gone so am I. My biggest mistake ever was not ctb when I was 25. Doing so would've prevented a shit ton of misery.

Can childhood emotional neglect /abuse even be fixed? I have a perfect life today but I cry everyday and night because I just keep remembering those memories. I have never experienced happiness. I am so sad that death seems like the only way to solve troubles. I think the brain just changes after experiencing something severe especially in childhood. I envy others because they can feel happiness while I feel like an empty shell of pain and rage. When I was a kid, I used to hope that someone would break into the house and kill me, I wish I had the strength to commit suicide at that time. This suffering seems unnecessary. Some people should never have kids.

I don't think it can be fixed but maybe possibly managed. Maybe. I know that it requires constant effort and energy, energy I don't have because of chronic illnesses which I truly believe have been caused by being in a constant state of hypervigilance for decades. The endless flood of cortisol and stress hormones takes its toll. I completely understand the frustration being surrounded by people who can experience happiness.

 

[divinemistress36]

Thank you. I honestly don't know how I've made it this far. Having a career I enjoyed probably helped, but that has been stolen by debilitating health problems. The only obstacle between me and ctb are my pets. Once they're gone so am I. My biggest mistake ever was not ctb when I was 25. Doing so would've prevented a shit ton of misery.

I don't think it can be fixed but maybe possibly managed. Maybe. I know that it requires constant effort and energy, energy I don't have because of chronic illnesses which I truly believe have been caused by being in a constant state of hypervigilance for decades. The endless flood of cortisol and stress hormones takes its toll. I completely understand the frustration being surrounded by people who can experience happiness.

This is my problem also being in a constant state of hypervigilance and nothing calms it

 

[PlathWannaBe]

My family rejected me when I was younger because I was different and didn't fit in like the other boys. My dad was always overly critical of me, quick to punish, he often belittled me and even later would make fun of me in front of my friends when I was a teen. He should have at most had just one child in life. He wasn't capable of handling more.

My older sister was also overly critical of me, she never liked me, and ultimately rejected me.

My older brother was born mentally handicapped. He very often had violent outbursts and would be unpredictable, which often left me feeling fearful and unsafe at home. He grew so bad that he had to be institutionalized at 12 or 13.

My mom showed me the most love out of the family. I always had the best connection to her. But she did not like it that I was gay, and she made me go to a Christian psychiatrist when I was only about 16 or 17 for a year for "conversion therapy". That is now considered a form of psychological abuse.

I ended up developing social anxiety and started having panic attacks, especially if I have to perform in any sort of way in front of people. I also feel deep down that most people don't like me, and I am an unlikable person, despite the fact that I have friends.

In order to deal with the fear, I went on SSRI's, and stayed on them for about 17 or 18 years. By the time I came off them, I now have persistent sexual dysfunction, so the drugs have destroyed me sexually, and this is 4 years after I quit the meds.

I've done do much therapy. I've done CBT, Neurofeedback Therapy, a 10 week intensive outpatient therapy program and 6 months of group therapy for social anxiety, and I'm still struggling.

I don't know that I'll be able to work much longer and I'm tired. I'm tired of the anxiety, I'm tired of the sexual dysfunction caused by meds, and I'm tired of my terrible job.

When I go home to visit, I still don't fit in as an adult. They are all staunch hardcore Republicans who support Trump, and I am a queer leftist Democrat.

Ironically, I can't even see my family now as I have developed a bad fear of flying, and I'm not able to do that.

Rejection in early life can really fuck you up, and boy did I get screwed. I want this life to be over. Everything is a chore, and it's not fun.

 

[wait.what]

Shit. I practically could have written your opening post. I'm 51 as well, a "feat" I largely managed due to having a moneyed family willing to support my disabled ass and pay for experimental treatments, etc. I can't say that sort of thing has improved my quality of life much, but the thin, intermittent trickle of hope plus a sense of obligation to my "financial backers" has kept me alive, if only just. I actually almost bit the big one last fall, not even on purpose. I expect I'll be blowing this pop stand in the next one to five years, whether I like it or not. It would be nice if Fate just quietly took me out. Then at least my family wouldn't sit around hating me after I die, or begging irresponsible journalists to harass suicidal people they've never even met.

 

[theboy]

I am sorry that you are going through this complicated situation. I hope you can find a way out and leave the addictions behind.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Our backgrounds are eerily similar, you're incredibly tough and resilient for being able to make it this far in spite of everything. I am almost exactly half your age but can relate to nearly everything you've written here. Reaching 30s or 40s, much less 50s is something I just can't imagine. How have you managed it till now?

Trauma has such far reaching consequences and unfortunately no one wants to study the effects of prolonged stress on the body, the health problems it breeds, the loneliness, the chronic illnesses that aren't understood by science. It truly is hell. I've been experiencing chronic pain since I was a teenager and no doubt that was my body's way of breaking down after it had been bombarded with cortisol and precarious situations since my early childhood.

Because there's really no treatment for complex PTSD, a lot of us are forced to hold onto false hopes in vain and throw lots of money at unproven solutions in case of a miracle, that something, anything could make it better, only to inevitably just feel disappointed again. So I can really relate to you there. I've seen enough therapists and took enough useless pills for a lifetime.

Like you, I'm just so tired too. It's admirable that your brother has been trying to have a career in spite of all of this, I have been too, only to realise it's a pipe dream when your health is in such bad shape and no one takes it seriously.

You aren't alone. I just wish none of us had to be here, and that there was more efforts from the outside world to take trauma seriously and try to help those whose lives were permanently turned upside down by horrible childhoods, rather than publishing infinite studies about how ACE scores correlate with poor health and then doing absolutely nothing with that information. No attempts to help any of us traumatized and sick people.

 

[iwanttohugthetrees]

Same here, much younger though
early thirties but it really feels like I have lived a life sentence not an actual life

 

[Hunter2005]

Yeah it is and the worse part about it is the world just expects us to get up and live a normal life after this. That's how messed up this world is.

 

[iwanttohugthetrees]

Our backgrounds are eerily similar, you're incredibly tough and resilient for being able to make it this far in spite of everything. I am almost exactly half your age but can relate to nearly everything you've written here. Reaching 30s or 40s, much less 50s is something I just can't imagine. How have you managed it till now?

Trauma has such far reaching consequences and unfortunately no one wants to study the effects of prolonged stress on the body, the health problems it breeds, the loneliness, the chronic illnesses that aren't understood by science. It truly is hell. I've been experiencing chronic pain since I was a teenager and no doubt that was my body's way of breaking down after it had been bombarded with cortisol and precarious situations since my early childhood.

Because there's really no treatment for complex PTSD, a lot of us are forced to hold onto false hopes in vain and throw lots of money at unproven solutions in case of a miracle, that something, anything could make it better, only to inevitably just feel disappointed again. So I can really relate to you there. I've seen enough therapists and took enough useless pills for a lifetime.

Like you, I'm just so tired too. It's admirable that your brother has been trying to have a career in spite of all of this, I have been too, only to realise it's a pipe dream when your health is in such bad shape and no one takes it seriously.

You aren't alone. I just wish none of us had to be here, and that there was more efforts from the outside world to take trauma seriously and try to help those whose lives were permanently turned upside down by horrible childhoods, rather than publishing infinite studies about how ACE scores correlate with poor health and then doing absolutely nothing with that information. No attempts to help any of us traumatized and sick people.

All of these
It is so painful to realise that there is nothing that you can actually do to amend the damage inflicted by your own parents
And all these hopes and promises until you realise that the damage is always with you

There is therapy and pills,yes but it has to be a constant thing in your life and it does cost so much money
I dont know,the amounts I have spent on trying to heal and hoping to heal are huge

Just all so tiring, I wish parents that inflicted that on their kids had to pay for all our treatments

 

[Ephemeron]

I have been through the ringer too Bob. Sorry that happened to you. How did you make it to 51? I'm 39 and I am dumbfounded I made it this far. I thought I'd be dead before adulthood. First time I tried was 8. I have a few serious attempts under my belt that just happened to not work out.

I'm just a couple of years younger than you and I feel the same. Can't believe I made it this far. Thought I'd be dead long ago. Wish I could say it was an achievement, but it has been just awful, pain after pain. What's even the point? :(

 

[Illegal Preclear]

Here's the thing about PTSD - it's not a "mental condition" as uninformed 'surface level' mental health personnel will tell you to sell you therapy sessions and pills. It's a neurological, biological medical condition. Trauma changes you on a CELLULAR and DNA level. It actually changes the way your cells transcribe your DNA. It causes chronic pain via body memories, and if severe enough - your brain will repress entire chunks of it, leaving your brain literally scrambled with amnesic walls that leave you with permanent memory issues.

Here in the wonderful Land of the Free and Home of the Brave (TM), during WWII the wonderful, compassionate people of the mental health industry (if you couldn't tell, I'm oozing sarcasm out of every orifice here) figured out that the effects of deep enough Trauma were so powerful, they could harness that power to make actual mind-controlled slaves. The US Government spearheaded several projects where they let Psychiatrists go hog wild on children who they essentially either bought from horrible parents or bred themselves. These were famously known as the MK Ultra Project(s). They never ended. They just morphed under different names like Project Monarch and Project Blue Bird.

These demonic, subhuman individuals had Trauma so down to a science they would torture pregnant women so the Trauma was inlaid on the individual as a FETUS, and all the base Trauma was inflicted on the child victim by the age of 3. These traumas were such that people who aren't completely depraved cannot even think of them. And if you read about them - odds are you'll find yourself staring out to space, mouth wide open in disbelief. But they happened. All the early experiments from the 1960s and earlier are open to read in de-classified documents. Personal accounts are available to read from such people as Cathy O'Brien, Brice Taylor, and a woman who goes by the alias of Svali.

Don't read their personal accounts unless you want to absolutely RUIN your day. But these accounts are important if you want to understand the TRUE DEPTH of how EVIL this Prison Planet really is. But just be warned - the accounts of these Traumas involve SA and torture of infants. We live in a world where this happened and still happens. It's nowhere near as rare as you think.

I was experimented on too. The price of being born into a wealthy family. I was basically 'thrown away' when developing Autism and Schizophrenia as a toddler made me not such a great test subject, but my family and the Psychiatrists they basically sold me to for BIG $$$ already inlaid the trauma and both the trauma and drugs left me permanently brain damaged. I never got to live a day of a normal human life because my brain was trashed to be something inhuman. In the wealthy area I live in, cases like mine are so disgustingly common. It's why I've already lost two friends to CTBing - they went through it too.

Only 7% of people experimented on in this manner DON'T CTB and go on to survive to live full lives. I'm 35 and my brain is like that of an early dementia patient's now. I ain't interested in being part of that 7%. Because I'm really not interested in living on a Planet where this much evil exists.