silentinbetween
Member
- Apr 30, 2018
- 44
I've been thinking a lot about how I could have fixed this.
If i had been smarter- if my grades were higher, I'd have hope.
If i were prettier- if more people were interested in me, wanted to know me, wanted to love me, I would matter. I would be more than background noise.
If I were less mean - if I had learned to channel my own pain deeper in rather than lashing out over and over and over again, I wouldn't be alone. People would like me.
If I were stronger- if every little dumb thing that happened didn't cut me to the fucking core over and over and over again - i would be able to face tomorrow.
If I had been thinner- if i didn't want to punish myself every time i looked in a mirror- I'd be able to live within my own body.
If people had liked me, oh god, if people had liked me and wanted to know me and if i had been able to keep their interest and love, god, if only, I'd have something to live for.
If i were able to hold a single conversation without feeling the interest drain from the person in front of me's eyes, and if I could connect with anyone, i wouldn't be alone.
If i hadn't been so naive, if i had seen the signs and thought logically, i wouldn't have had my heart broken over and over and over again.
If i had had a better fourth grade teacher- who didn't fucking bully me every day over and over and ruin my fucking hope for the world as a ten-year old, if he hadn't held me back after class just to yell at my dumb, childish self and had instead just forgiven me for being an annoying little brat, if he had remembered i was young and easily hurt and held himself back, if my parents had supported me when i told them every day was fucking hell for me, if i had friends at that time or god just anyone to turn to, who knows?
maybe i would have been happy. maybe i would be able to talk to people without feeling like they hate me all the time. maybe every ignored text wouldn't have me cutting lines into my hip and punching my flabby thigh and slamming my shoulder into walls and punishing myself over and over for being so fucking fucking stupid.
god, if i had been less stupid, less fucking stupid, just, less of a fucking idiot, maybe i wouldn't want to disappear so badly.
If i had been smarter- if my grades were higher, I'd have hope.
If i were prettier- if more people were interested in me, wanted to know me, wanted to love me, I would matter. I would be more than background noise.
If I were less mean - if I had learned to channel my own pain deeper in rather than lashing out over and over and over again, I wouldn't be alone. People would like me.
If I were stronger- if every little dumb thing that happened didn't cut me to the fucking core over and over and over again - i would be able to face tomorrow.
If I had been thinner- if i didn't want to punish myself every time i looked in a mirror- I'd be able to live within my own body.
If people had liked me, oh god, if people had liked me and wanted to know me and if i had been able to keep their interest and love, god, if only, I'd have something to live for.
If i were able to hold a single conversation without feeling the interest drain from the person in front of me's eyes, and if I could connect with anyone, i wouldn't be alone.
If i hadn't been so naive, if i had seen the signs and thought logically, i wouldn't have had my heart broken over and over and over again.
If i had had a better fourth grade teacher- who didn't fucking bully me every day over and over and ruin my fucking hope for the world as a ten-year old, if he hadn't held me back after class just to yell at my dumb, childish self and had instead just forgiven me for being an annoying little brat, if he had remembered i was young and easily hurt and held himself back, if my parents had supported me when i told them every day was fucking hell for me, if i had friends at that time or god just anyone to turn to, who knows?
maybe i would have been happy. maybe i would be able to talk to people without feeling like they hate me all the time. maybe every ignored text wouldn't have me cutting lines into my hip and punching my flabby thigh and slamming my shoulder into walls and punishing myself over and over for being so fucking fucking stupid.
god, if i had been less stupid, less fucking stupid, just, less of a fucking idiot, maybe i wouldn't want to disappear so badly.
