Venting If only I could die painlessly

[Painless_end]

I should have died many years ago. But I never found out any painless method, and I was too chicken to jump from any tall places and end up alive but physically disabled.

This is not a philosophical post. It is perhaps an emotional vent.

As I approach my mid 30s, I realize, nothing's changed. There is no real growth or progress in my life because I refuse to make progress. Because I am too unmotivated. My brain has never been well adjusted to the rigors of school, college, and workplace. I can literally feel the strength of a robust brain that most normal functioning people have. I simply don't have that kind of brain biology or chemistry. It literally doesn't matter if I exercise, spend time in nature, listen to music, or just relax with a book. There is no changing the basic framework that exists in the most fundamental unchangeable part of my brain.

All I have succeeded in doing is being hopelessly dependant on the physical safety of my parents' house with the comfort and the assurance of daily meals and a place to sleep.

I don't want to change. Thus proving that I am hopeless. Because I don't see any broad area of life that I could be happy with.

My functional capabilities have always been low. I had a good memory in school and college so I could read and memorize stuff. I am also quite proficient in English speaking and writing despite it not being my first language. But I lack any desire to turn any of this into a career. I suppose problem solving and troubleshooting motivates me to some extent, but I have not been able to successfully turn it into a career.

I lack the basic desire to have a productive career but I also don't like being a worthless bum. I try to help people if asked, using any physical or mental resources at my disposal. I usually do well when I help people with smaller problems rather than larger ones. But I do not appreciate being taken for granted, or asked repeatedly when I am not interested. I will deny to help you if I don't feel like it.

But I digress. If I were to just remain neutral and objective and close my eyes to become aware of what I lack, I would say that I lack both the actual physical desire to go past where I am right now, and also lack the ability to handle if any complex problem was to suddenly be thrusted on me.

My existence is limited to staying alive by eating, excretion, showering, wear some clothes to take some walks nearby and occasionally eat anything that's being sold outside, provided it isn't too unhealthy for me. Oh, I forgot, also browsing the internet.

A part of me wants to blame my bad luck for being born with such a lousy excuse for a human brain. I wish nature had a helpline you could call, and tell them you weren't happy with your brain or body and wanted to replace or return it. Especially in terminally low resolution brain robustness cases like mine. My brain can be robust, but on a very low resolution. For eg, I can shut out negative emotions and focus on being safe and eating well. But I can't do that on a higher resolution where I do a job, am happy, and also eating well. I see myself as robust on a lower mental plane, but not a higher one that most high or average performing people have. Can I blame my parents for birthing me? They didn't willingly do anything wrong to me, but the reality of me being so cerebrally hopeless is heart breaking and has me finding someone or something to blame.

You might think I am depressed, but I am not. I can be the most happiest person in the next minute if I want to. But I cannot do that because my life lacks motivation, desire, structure and any sense of a strong overarching purpose or vision or goals. I am merely content, but also sad because as the time passes, I become aware of my own limitations. I wish, I had never been born.

But since that cannot be changed, I wish I was painlessly dead.

 

[sulli]

i feel you

 

[Vizzy]

I should have died many years ago. But I never found out any painless method, and I was too chicken to jump from any tall places and end up alive but physically disabled.

This is not a philosophical post. It is perhaps an emotional vent.

As I approach my mid 30s, I realize, nothing's changed. There is no real growth or progress in my life because I refuse to make progress. Because I am too unmotivated. My brain has never been well adjusted to the rigors of school, college, and workplace. I can literally feel the strength of a robust brain that most normal functioning people have. I simply don't have that kind of brain biology or chemistry. It literally doesn't matter if I exercise, spend time in nature, listen to music, or just relax with a book. There is no changing the basic framework that exists in the most fundamental unchangeable part of my brain.

All I have succeeded in doing is being hopelessly dependant on the physical safety of my parents' house with the comfort and the assurance of daily meals and a place to sleep.

I don't want to change. Thus proving that I am hopeless. Because I don't see any broad area of life that I could be happy with.

My functional capabilities have always been low. I had a good memory in school and college so I could read and memorize stuff. I am also quite proficient in English speaking and writing despite it not being my first language. But I lack any desire to turn any of this into a career. I suppose problem solving and troubleshooting motivates me to some extent, but I have not been able to successfully turn it into a career.

I lack the basic desire to have a productive career but I also don't like being a worthless bum. I try to help people if asked, using any physical or mental resources at my disposal. I usually do well when I help people with smaller problems rather than larger ones. But I do not appreciate being taken for granted, or asked repeatedly when I am not interested. I will deny to help you if I don't feel like it.

But I digress. If I were to just remain neutral and objective and close my eyes to become aware of what I lack, I would say that I lack both the actual physical desire to go past where I am right now, and also lack the ability to handle if any complex problem was to suddenly be thrusted on me.

My existence is limited to staying alive by eating, excretion, showering, wear some clothes to take some walks nearby and occasionally eat anything that's being sold outside, provided it isn't too unhealthy for me. Oh, I forgot, also browsing the internet.

A part of me wants to blame my bad luck for being born with such a lousy excuse for a human brain. I wish nature had a helpline you could call, and tell them you weren't happy with your brain or body and wanted to replace or return it. Especially in terminally low resolution brain robustness cases like mine. My brain can be robust, but on a very low resolution. For eg, I can shut out negative emotions and focus on being safe and eating well. But I can't do that on a higher resolution where I do a job, am happy, and also eating well. I see myself as robust on a lower mental plane, but not a higher one that most high or average performing people have. Can I blame my parents for birthing me? They didn't willingly do anything wrong to me, but the reality of me being so cerebrally hopeless is heart breaking and has me finding someone or something to blame.

You might think I am depressed, but I am not. I can be the most happiest person in the next minute if I want to. But I cannot do that because my life lacks motivation, desire, structure and any sense of a strong overarching purpose or vision or goals. I am merely content, but also sad because as the time passes, I become aware of my own limitations. I wish, I had never been born.

But since that cannot be changed, I wish I was painlessly dead.

Hope you find peace

Try nitrogen gas method for painless and peaceful death but it is expensive

 

[Watlock]

Nature's helpline would be all too nice. There is so many bits and pieces of myself that I would replace. I completely Understand having a lazy brain I guess you could call it. Even thinking about doing any sort of work makes me exhausted. Thinking about doing a simple customer service job makes me want to vomit. It's bullshit we have to undergo all these extra stresses when there are people so rich that they could offer housing to every person in America thrice times over. But we are expected to slave 40+ hours at some robotic corporation that wouldn't care if we went home that night and ctb'd. I too wish I was never born. It is not fair. As for the pain associated with death, I try to think of it as it will surely hurt to die but after you get to feel nothing. If your method is well researched and you really want to be gone, after enduring the last stretch of pain, you get to be free finally. Never toiling around in this poisoned world again. I'm sorry you're having a tough time with it all. I hope whatever you decide to do is the one that brings you the most happiness.

 

[FuneralCry]

Being able to leave this world painlessly does sound so ideal to me, I hate how suicide is so difficult, to me it's such a cruel punishment existing in a world where we are cruelly denied the option to leave in peace, it's like many people forget that we are all just going to die anyway.