If im a source of pain dead or alive, then what?

[SeeminglyFine]

25 y.o unemployed, chronic not fully diagnosed health issues, some diagnosed, low degree of disability,
mom is providing, and suffers for it, aswell as for seeing me feeling unwell both physically and mentally, and for the fear of losing me.

Been addicted to video games from about age 10 till 19, around the time when i started to fear my dad and succefully helped my mom with leaving this abusive relationship.

So i played all day, everyday, sacrificing sleep, skipping school and even nearly a full year of school, not once did i have a single depressive thought.
suddenly had resposibilities, felt like im still a 10 year old in a 19year old body in some aspects, one day became lethargic, dissociated and suicidal in a matter of minutes.
After that i spent maybe 2 years laying in bed and staring at the celling sleeping 16 hours a day

Been unable to do anything since..
No focus, no desire, no relief, impaired memory, what i assume to be Depersonalization-derealization disorder, and other neurological symptoms
and despite being tortured daily by my own thoughts and by the fact that people are sacrificing from themselves , to finance my existance, i havent been able to do much about it, nor did i feel hopefull/excited about the idea of getting better,
so my only aim in life was to relieve those that care about me of the burden that i am

So, either ctb or become independant...
Suicide means im still a source of pain, caused by my demise.

motivated myself to do something about it for months by negative self talk and guilt,
And so, I used to try to work and it messed me up really bad, i managed to work for 2 weeks, i got uncomfortably high all day everday during those 2 weeks, i lost touch with reality and hurt myself irreversably, one day i stopped going to work, the guy told me to come take the money many times but i was unable to leave my room.

At some point during this timeline i got "threatened" that if i kill myself, 2 more deaths will follow the same day
I had vivid imaginations of that happening(aswell other death related fears) as i was hanging from a belt with only the tip my toes touching the ground and the asphyxia triggered confusion and dissociation, i backed out in panic and remained feeling tormented while asking myself what i ought to do,
not even expecting to know anymore, not trying to care anymore, nor am i trying to feel anything at all in general.

nowdays some days i dont even let myself think, i dont wait for a pill to kick in at mornings, i just snort it and forget it all, and if i went too far, i let everyone see me drunk fucked up and high.
But something tells me that the drugs are pushing my worries way too far to the back of my mind, i dont know if i want to believe that,

for 6 years these thoughts and worries have never conducive and i dont feel like im able to do anything at all anyway.

And now i find myself venting all day on this site on a rebound from the pills and feeling dumb after posting my b.s

 

[lukas19]

hadnt thought of that before, just crushed and snorted 3 valium (10mg) doubt much will happen. my daily dosage is about 70mg valium and 100mg zoplicone. doesnt help me much but i do sleep about 8 hours. alcohol and weed just depress me. at 55 my best is behind me, wish i was 25 again but then iwould probably fuck it upgain. i live in regret every moment. at 25 you still can change but does take effort

 

[SeeminglyFine]

Thats the thing, the only optional change that i can picture in my mind at this point after trying everything, is by some miracle stopping the drugs and managing the withdrawal just to go back to being suicidal every day,
If i think about it logically, theres no amazing reward awaiting at the end of the struggle of breaking the addiction.... a jaw breaking punch to the face is more likely,
im starting to feel like even withdrawal feels better than the pre-medicated sobriety,

atleast the withdrawal can be mind-numbing somewhat, or idk maybe im so far gone im delusional, but, for many years i been mostly sober and i literally spent most of that time alternating between staring at the celling and putting on some tv show.

Ive attempted to sleep through some withdrawals with sleeping pills but they wont put me to sleep for more than 2-3hours mid-day
But only today came to think about it that i dont even feel like any of my efforts are worth it, just through experience, and still im stuck.

 

[lukas19]

Thats the thing, the only optional change that i can picture in my mind at this point after trying everything, is by some miracle stopping the drugs and managing the withdrawal just to go back to being suicidal every day,
If i think about it logically, theres no amazing reward awaiting at the end of the struggle of breaking the addiction.... a jaw breaking punch to the face is more likely,
im starting to feel like even withdrawal feels better than the pre-medicated sobriety,

atleast the withdrawal can be mind-numbing somewhat, or idk maybe im so far gone im delusional, but, for many years i been mostly sober and i literally spent most of that time alternating between staring at the celling and putting on some tv show.

Ive attempted to sleep through some withdrawals with sleeping pills but they wont put me to sleep for more than 2-3hours mid-day
But only today came to think about it that i dont even feel like any of my efforts are worth it, just through experience, and still im stuck.

Wish i could say something positive but I'm 100% i'm gonna CTB soon as ''medication'' turns up, wake up loathing myself 'til the pills knock me out that night. My mate died in his sleep last week (younger than me) and i was jealous! all i can say is that you are young(ish) things could change drastically after 50 and brain damaged the only way is down. Your choice but you dont get a 2nd chance so make sure that's what you want. Addictions can be overcome for a year i was taking 7grams of coke every day then a year of being drunk everyday. Now i dont miss either and got addicted to exercise.(drugs/drink didnt stop the negative voice/thoughts but exercise did.

 

[jodes2]

If in doubt, don't kill yourself!