If I took the biggest risk of all

[Jorms_McGander]

And grabbed: my stick, my hat, my cat, my pack

And then I filled the pack with cat stuff, camp stuff, good books, journals and writing utensils

And then leave

Presumably I'd drop the cat off somewhere before I starve or maybe live on the street til her sweet lil natural death a decade from now

Struggling to support myself and encountering more difficulties rather than less including social-familial, so it's hard to get support there because I just kinda impulsively do things that make people hate me without seeming to have enough willpower to resist. Just tiny pilfering, but it's basically ruined my life so now I'm considering just walking back and forth til I die or something.

Like I mentioned I have very little willpower. But I fixate easily and I have difficulty switching tasks. I could Terry Fox myself to death more easily than I can gather the conviction to admit I'm never gonna accomplish anything other than daydreaming about what I could've done

Well this is rambling, thanks?

 

[cosmic-freedom]

I think many of us here actually do want to run away and turn our life around.But our circumstances shut the door on us and that's why and we are unable to run anywhere.I hope things get better for you

 

[Jorms_McGander]

I think many of us here actually do want to run away and turn our life around.But our circumstances shut the door on us and that's why and we are unable to run anywhere.I hope things get better for you

It's homelessness: that's the only somewhere I'm discussing, and with the ultimate goal of dying. Just one more step down the ladder of self care as I avoid actually killing myself. It'd be a lot more humane to just do it rather than to put less and less effort into my life.

 

[Apathy79]

I spent so long contemplating this thinking you had actually done it and what could have driven you to it. Even read back your previous posts to see what led you there. Then after all that re-read the post and realised it was a hypothetical!

It is an interesting idea though. Sacrificing comfort for lived experience. To choose it, live it and write about it, is sure as heck something I'd read, if nothing else to try to learn its lessons without having to go through it myself!

 

[Jorms_McGander]

I spent so long contemplating this thinking you had actually done it and what could have driven you to it. Even read back your previous posts to see what led you there. Then after all that re-read the post and realised it was a hypothetical!

It is an interesting idea though. Sacrificing comfort for lived experience. To choose it, live it and write about it, is sure as heck something I'd read, if nothing else to try to learn its lessons without having to go through it myself!

Hahaha sorry!

Truth be told I have lived a fairly nomadic life this far and I have lived on the road with my bicycle, squatted buildings with no power or water, I've just always had the idea of somewhere to build up a bit more resources The Typical Way by working a job.

Now that I can't really support myself by working due to mental and physical health, the equation balances differently and maybe it is time to take the last journey where I never come back to society, since society no longer has a use for me

PS: I'm more likely gonna leave a mess of notes and anecdotes rather than any finished manuscript, so my observations will no doubt be scattered to time but that's never really the point of anything like this. The truths out there remain out there for anybody to go find.

 

[Apathy79]

I wonder if experience like that can really be meaningfully conveyed in words anyway. I was reading a book called Finding Me recently, which takes an incredibly dark turn towards kidnapping for most of it, but the start is about this woman's life on the streets. And trying to put myself in her position and live it vicariously. It's interesting but I don't think I "got it". It's too far removed from my reality. And that's coming from someone who's house burned down and was homeless for a brief period. Because it always felt (and was) temporary, it had such a different feel that there's no real way to relate. Similarly, reading your post then made me think of the movie the Pianist, after he becomes dislocated and is forced to move from place to place. He was probably about your age too. Different context again, but so intriguing to watch, yet seemingly impossible to really understand without the experience.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

I wonder if experience like that can really be meaningfully conveyed in words anyway. I was reading a book called Finding Me recently, which takes an incredibly dark turn towards kidnapping for most of it, but the start is about this woman's life on the streets. And trying to put myself in her position and live it vicariously. It's interesting but I don't think I "got it". It's too far removed from my reality. And that's coming from someone who's house burned down and was homeless for a brief period. Because it always felt (and was) temporary, it had such a different feel that there's no real way to relate. Similarly, reading your post then made me think of the movie the Pianist, after he becomes dislocated and is forced to move from place to place. He was probably about your age too. Different context again, but so intriguing to watch, yet seemingly impossible to really understand without the experience.

Well people have been trying to convey the meaning behind these things for a very long time. Thousands of years. The truth is as wordless as death itself, but that doesn't satisfy a living psyche and so we grasp for analogies and explanations, we look for emotion in the eyes of a predator but it's always a projection of our own mind.

Guess I'll have to watch The Pianist. I wonder if I will identify with that. Thanks for the recommendation.

The secret I learned from the road is basically simplicity. I became a Whole Organism, all my instincts had a place, I wrote folk songs and poetry which reflected my environment, and I finished them. I made my own musical instruments. Everything I did was done like a sand mandala... With mindfulness and engagement, and released when it was finished.

Thoreau stopped writing too, and he lived his poetry until he died. Maybe that is what I am trying to convey