I don't want to imply by that that talking to your family was wrong. I think it can be useful if your family knows you are struggling. Some families might be more helpful than mine. But my family is trash. I am glad they know I am suicidal they have a little bit more empathy for me due to that but still they often behave like jerks.
I don't know with whom I shall start. Maybe the most honest person in my family was my grandfather. He really was a good person. I still talked to him a lot despite signs of dementia. He called me his son...Yeah my family blame(d) me for his death. Some years ago my mom and grandmother wanted to throw me out because I was "unthankful". I always repeated that their physical and emotional abuse destroyed my life. The argument turned really loud my granddad listened to it and died afterwards. Caused a manic episode to me. I did not know that and that yeah I thought awesome I am feeling great again. I did not know about the consequences.
But back to my family. Everyone of them is so fucking stupid. My parents especially my mom beat me up for like a decade when I was a child/teenager. She ruined my life I am a mental wreck.
She recently made a holiday trip. Today she returned. She and her boyfriends treated me like a burden. Because I am not doing enough in the household. Maybe I am too lazy but it is also true that I am already on the edge of a manic episiode due to college I cannot cope with more stress. I find it disgusting when people treat vulnerable people as a burden. No wonder many of these people have suicidal thoughts. I have already read this in this forum often. My personal opinion is don't listen to anyone who gives you the feeling you were a burden. I think one's life is be more valuable than some people who might have more responsibilties because of you. Moreover I think the thought "I am a burden for society" is unnecessary. I think the society usually don't care much about vulnerable/ suicidal people. I don't give a fuck that the German healthcare system lacks a lot of money. Fuck all the people who bullied me in school these people shall "pay" (quite literally lol) for it.
Who is the worst? The boyfriend of my mom. He insulted me pretty hard some weeks ago for nothing. More or less for being a worthless and unthankful burden. I have insulted him back. My friends said my insults were way better than his. I heard it today he wanted to start the insults just again but he did not had the courage to do it in front of my mom. Fuck this asshole.
I think my sister wants to spend more time with me. I don't really want to. Her replies to some of my abuse stories were horrible. During my first psychosis she hit me so that I get clear thoughts again. How stupid can one be? When she was psychotic I was caring, empathetic despite the fact I was struggling a lot myself. But the worst thing she ever said was the following. I told her how my abuse made me suicidal. And she replied you just should have hit her back (if it was this bad.) The way she said it sounded pretty much like victim blaming. It literally was that. Like a year after she said I told her honestly that I still dislike what she said to me. She couldn't remember it. Yeah I do and I still will.
Some weeks ago my dad visited me. (without announcing it beforehand) Yeah he just increased the pressure to succeed in college. He is so fucking stupid. I think his mental illness affects his cognitive abilities. I can't explain his ignorance and stupidity otherwise. He forgets everything I tell him. I have explained him a thousand time what a mania is. He just does not get it. How can I be related to all these neanderthals? If one could choose his own family yeah I would have dodged them 3 seconds after meeting them. I am pressurring me in an insane manner due to my abuse. I am also very sensitive to external pressure. And he said something like you must not fail this time. The first time I ignored it. But when he repeated it the second time I had a mental breadown. I wrote about it in this forum. My dad lives in a fairy tale world. My mom too but not as much as my dad. "Everything gonna be alright. No matter what." Moreover they forget that I am suicidal or struggling when I don't remind them. Despite the fact I emphasized tquite often hese thoughts don't vanish when I don't talk about them.
My grandmother is also horrible. The time she blamed me for the death of her husband was quite traumatizing.
Yeah I am spending a lot of time in this forum. Because it helps me to cope. It is a valve, distraction, a place to get reflective and thougtful. Moreover I get helpful feedback. I cannot imagine how horrible I would feel if I had to talk to my family instead. Solely being physically around them hurts me. I see how good they feel and I recognize how horrible I am suffering every single day because of their behavior. LIfe is not fair. I wish one could choose his family.
I don't know with whom I shall start. Maybe the most honest person in my family was my grandfather. He really was a good person. I still talked to him a lot despite signs of dementia. He called me his son...Yeah my family blame(d) me for his death. Some years ago my mom and grandmother wanted to throw me out because I was "unthankful". I always repeated that their physical and emotional abuse destroyed my life. The argument turned really loud my granddad listened to it and died afterwards. Caused a manic episode to me. I did not know that and that yeah I thought awesome I am feeling great again. I did not know about the consequences.
But back to my family. Everyone of them is so fucking stupid. My parents especially my mom beat me up for like a decade when I was a child/teenager. She ruined my life I am a mental wreck.
She recently made a holiday trip. Today she returned. She and her boyfriends treated me like a burden. Because I am not doing enough in the household. Maybe I am too lazy but it is also true that I am already on the edge of a manic episiode due to college I cannot cope with more stress. I find it disgusting when people treat vulnerable people as a burden. No wonder many of these people have suicidal thoughts. I have already read this in this forum often. My personal opinion is don't listen to anyone who gives you the feeling you were a burden. I think one's life is be more valuable than some people who might have more responsibilties because of you. Moreover I think the thought "I am a burden for society" is unnecessary. I think the society usually don't care much about vulnerable/ suicidal people. I don't give a fuck that the German healthcare system lacks a lot of money. Fuck all the people who bullied me in school these people shall "pay" (quite literally lol) for it.
Who is the worst? The boyfriend of my mom. He insulted me pretty hard some weeks ago for nothing. More or less for being a worthless and unthankful burden. I have insulted him back. My friends said my insults were way better than his. I heard it today he wanted to start the insults just again but he did not had the courage to do it in front of my mom. Fuck this asshole.
I think my sister wants to spend more time with me. I don't really want to. Her replies to some of my abuse stories were horrible. During my first psychosis she hit me so that I get clear thoughts again. How stupid can one be? When she was psychotic I was caring, empathetic despite the fact I was struggling a lot myself. But the worst thing she ever said was the following. I told her how my abuse made me suicidal. And she replied you just should have hit her back (if it was this bad.) The way she said it sounded pretty much like victim blaming. It literally was that. Like a year after she said I told her honestly that I still dislike what she said to me. She couldn't remember it. Yeah I do and I still will.
Some weeks ago my dad visited me. (without announcing it beforehand) Yeah he just increased the pressure to succeed in college. He is so fucking stupid. I think his mental illness affects his cognitive abilities. I can't explain his ignorance and stupidity otherwise. He forgets everything I tell him. I have explained him a thousand time what a mania is. He just does not get it. How can I be related to all these neanderthals? If one could choose his own family yeah I would have dodged them 3 seconds after meeting them. I am pressurring me in an insane manner due to my abuse. I am also very sensitive to external pressure. And he said something like you must not fail this time. The first time I ignored it. But when he repeated it the second time I had a mental breadown. I wrote about it in this forum. My dad lives in a fairy tale world. My mom too but not as much as my dad. "Everything gonna be alright. No matter what." Moreover they forget that I am suicidal or struggling when I don't remind them. Despite the fact I emphasized tquite often hese thoughts don't vanish when I don't talk about them.
My grandmother is also horrible. The time she blamed me for the death of her husband was quite traumatizing.
Yeah I am spending a lot of time in this forum. Because it helps me to cope. It is a valve, distraction, a place to get reflective and thougtful. Moreover I get helpful feedback. I cannot imagine how horrible I would feel if I had to talk to my family instead. Solely being physically around them hurts me. I see how good they feel and I recognize how horrible I am suffering every single day because of their behavior. LIfe is not fair. I wish one could choose his family.
