Venting If I end things will i finally find peace?

[blairbear64]

I want to run away
I want to be alone, but at the same time the thought of being alone scares me
I dont want to get in the way anymore
I dont want to try anymore
But when I don't try, I bother people more
I hate bothering people
No matter what I do it's wrong
No matter what I do I'm not happy
So maybe I'd be best off just doing what makes everyone else happy?
What I want doesn't matter, if in the end it's all the same anyway
But im so tired
I'm so so tired
I just want to rest, I just want to be ok
I wish I was more desirable
Nobody has ever really wanted *me*
My family only does what they do because I'm family
They pity me
They see me as the problem kid, the fuck up
I'm happy for my sibling, I really am, but they also makes me feel so inferior and insecure about myself. Theyre succeeding where I've failed, theyre doing things I've dreamed of doing, things that are impossible for me.
Trying seems so much easier for them, even if it really isn't.
Everything feels like an uphill battle
Its like no matter what I do I'm just going to end up hurt
I'm not ready to move forward but staying where I'm at makes things harder for other people
My dad is sick of having to help me, he can't afford to
Grandma is sick of having to help me, she's helped all of us, and im just turning into another dad.
I know they compare me to him when im not around
I know when im not in the room they probably say things about me
They probably think im lazy and not trying
They dont see how much im struggling
Im not ready to help myself, I don't know what to do.
I'm stuck.

I'm supposed to be happy to be here
I'm supposed to help, and be the bigger person, and look after myself, and help look after others... I can hardly take care of myself when it's just me at home, I can't keep up. I'm so overwhelmed and I know I shouldn't be. Nobody else is this overwhelmed from this little, why am I so pathetic?
I've been binging, no wonder I'm so fat. I'm such a pig. I hate how I look in the mirror. I hate my stomach. I hate the way my boobs sag. I hate the scars on my skin from my skin stretching and constant picking, and cuts. Everything about me is a constant reminder of how awful I am. Of how much of a failure I am. Of how better off everyone would he if I would disappear.
I wish disappearing was easier. Maybe long term it would be less of a bother for everyone than dealing with me until I grow old? I know it would hurt everyone at first, at least a little, but I think before long they would be back to normal. One less thing to worry about. One less problem to solve. They deserve that.
I know they say that I deserve to be happy, but I know that no matter what, ill never achieve that. This is something I just need to accept, it's a fact of my life. Any happiness will be short-lived and temporary, and most things that lead to my happiness are selfish and lead to somebody else being unhappy. I don't want to be happy at the expense of others.

If I end things will I finally find peace?

 

[orca87]

If I end things will I finally find peace?

No. Finding implies consciousness.
But that's ok. Peace will still be there. You just cannot "enjoy" it. You don't have to suffer, either.

It's just like a deep, dreamless sleep.

That's how I picture it.

I'm sorry that life didn't turn out happy for you and brought you to this point.

 

[FuneralCry]

At least to me peace could never exist in this cruel and chaotic world where the potential for extreme suffering is there at all times. Existence is filled with harm and risks while in comparison I believe death to just be nothingness for all eternity, so for me nonexistence is what I would see as peace. To me peace could only ever exist in the complete absence of everything where we won't even have awareness of the fact that we are gone.

 

[aitouka]

I know. I get it. I understand. Everything seems terribly hard, even just the smallest of tasks such as showering or brushing my teeth feels like an uphill battle, as you said. I feel your struggles. And everyone tells us that we should look for help, yet looking for help feels like burdening others, and when we don't look for help others worry as well. It feels like everything is wrong. Every single decision is wrong. No matter what decision, it will always be a bad decision to some people. I could do something and my mom would appreciate it yet my dad would despise it.

So do whatever you prefer. The world is chaotic, there is peace but it's not here. Do whatever that you think it can make you feel better, even if at the cost of others - because every decision everyone makes will be at the cost of others some way or another. Do what you think is right, and what you are capable of doing. I know it's hard to get rid of the overthinking around this, because a lot of people (including me) are struggling with this as well. Best of luck to you, and please remember you are not alone, there are so many like-minded people here.