Venting If I don't kill myself by Friday morning, I'll be forced to tell my parents the truth

[NaughtyGirl]

I'll be forced to tell them that I'm suicidal, that I don't know how to deal with life and that I failed to graduate (I lied to them about it). After that, there will probably be a serious talk and it's likely I'll end up crying. After that, my only hope is that they'll somehow force me to get help. It will probably take hours of talk and maybe even physical coercion to make me do anything. Otherwise I'll just keep doing what I'm doing right now, which is nothing much and then I'll kill myself next week.

It's probably dumb and naive of me to not do it tomorrow but I guess my dumb body just wants to cling to whatever hope is left. But I don't have high hopes when it comes to my parents. My mother spends most of her free time drinking and smoking. Somehow she becomes visibly drunk just after one beer or even a single glass of it. Seeing her in that state always made me feel more lonely and now it also makes me feel more suicidal. My father is more sober but he doesn't have patience. I don't have anyone in my family whom I could deeply trust, who I'd consider smart and open-minded.

Since my father called me a parasite at one point when I didn't work or study and said I should leave his house, I'm tempted to tell him that I have bad and good news. The bad is that I failed to graduate and I don't plan to go to work. But the good is that he doesn't have to worry about me using up any resources since I won't be here for much longer.

Right now it's like I don't really care what happens. I wouldn't mind getting help but I'm too anxious, too demotivated and lack energy to do anything to get it. Either they'll find a way to force me somehow or they won't. If they won't, then I'll probably just shoot myself next week when I go to a shooting range. If it doesn't kill me then hopefully I end up in a state in which I don't have any responsibilities anymore. Right now I almost feel like I'm a little bit too conscious and too aware of everything to be happy. Or maybe, before I shoot myself, I'll just continue existing in this vegetative state for a little bit longer before I eventually snap. Since I'm not doing anything productive, things can only get worse without an intervention from the outside which would be like a miracle. All it would take is one tragedy.

The fact I suffer from lethal perfectionism doesn't help either. My motivation to do things seems to be connected with my belief that I can excel at those things. When it dawns on me that it's no longer an option I became completely unmotivated to keep going. Since I become less productive the sense of falling behind becomes even stronger. It's totally a positive feedback loop and if it wasn't for my complete dissociation from the real world, I'd probably be sad and mad about how unfair and cruel it is.

I'm so anxious I actually hope my parents won't help me so that I can then proceed to CTB with clean conscience without having to go through any process that would require any effort on my side. I almost want something tragic to happen so I have an even better pretext to end it. If NASA confirmed that there was a giant meteor heading towards the Earth and that the extinction of humanity was inevitable and that the impact site was exactly where I live, that would be a dream come true to me. I'd totally heave a sigh of relief. I guess you can say my anxiety is pretty serious.

 

[Sakura94]

Hi, I did the same thing. It's perfectly okay to tell your parents. No matter what happens all you've done is bought some time for you to think about the biggest decision you will make and you still have unlimited tries to eventually CTB. It's a perfectly logical decision and I wish you the best and that it works out for you.

 

[souljah222]

Its hard to give an answer with that little information but the part where you said your only hope is that they will force you to get help sounds like that might be what you really want/need, even tho your anxiety makes you want the exact opposite like you said later in your text. i dont know all your reasons why youre feeling that way and i dont want to come up with the usual "oh its all just going to be fine dont kys haha xoxo" but i can tell you that failing to graduate really is something that will be more or less irrelevant in a few months or years (if thats one of the main reasons for you to ctb rn. also i relate a lot to what you said about your parents how you cant really talk to them or how your dad called you parasite, maybe moving out first would improve the relationship a little bit (worked for me, kind of. theres not that much contact, but also no fights anymore) but again i dont really know anything about the situation.
i think you should just give it a try since there will always be the option to ctb later. maybe even ask them for help finding a therapist or whatever.
good luck tho

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

I'm sorry you don't have understanding parents NG I identify so strongly with your plight and issues. I am quite dissociated and apathetic and also failed my last year at uni due to those same issues. Perfectionism also holds me back because I have such a rigid idea of how things should be, so you are so understood. I felt like you too after the uni year was up (I failed because I did no work) and I had to face my mother. Now I work and feel a bit more positive. However, that's not to say healing isn't important/necessary. Going straight into work can feel daunting and sometimes we just simply need the break.

Have you told your parents you think you are sick with depression/mental illness? If not, can you talk to a doctor to try any antidepressants? Zyban/Wellbutrin can give motivation/energy. Can you get access to therapy?

I'm sorry you feel so unsupported, it sucks and is unfair. However what I'm trying to say is that if you have even a bit of hope outside of your parents that is great because that means you have that in a non-dependent way and that means you can flourish once you heal and live a beautiful life. Do you have any friends you can talk to or spend time with?

Also, depression is not a weakness or character flaw

***

I know you say you don't want to work, but have you thought about your own blog/forum/videos? I've skimmed through your posts and you're super bright with a visionary spirit. You obviously can articulate yourself well and have no problem doing it for free (lol). You could write down/share your ideas and take sponsorships and ads to make money. There are actually loads of people who feel like us. Who knows where it could lead?

 

[agate]

I can relate and feel really sad for you. My parents, well mainly my father would also project these super high expectations. That only the highest degree would be 'good enough', otherwise it's useless.
And off course when I finished with my masters in some technical field (had to be that otherwise, useless ) I still felt useless/worthless , not good enough.

In order words, even if you would pass with flying colors , you will likely still feel the same way .

It's not the be all and end all that it's made to be (degrees). I wanted to pursue music or drama , but my parents always disapproved of such frivolous pursuits. So now I'm also doing nothing.

I'm also likely much older than you to realize that it's all an overblown scam , school/work. Just designed to keep us enslaved and your father fell for the same trap . I hate that he called you a parasite that's not acceptable at all under any circumstances. Is he maybe abusive at times and your moms is drinking to help cope with that?

Maybe, I don't know how old you are ,but maybe moving out is an option ? Maybe couch crash for a while with friends/family until you're settled ?
If you are able to live within your means you don't need some overblown career prospect , that's part of the scam. People feel the need to 'keep up with the jones' and spend way beyond what they make and go into debt. Maybe in time you could follow Dave Ramsey and learn to invest ?
That way you'd be able to , eventually , live of rental (passive! ) income
Btw, feel free to pm me anytime . Or if you want you could text me , I could give you my number in pm

 

[Party__3nd5]

With your words I can only see that you don't really want to die, you just need someone, and I think it's the best thing you can do. You should tell your parents your problems and according to how they react make the decision to go to know something or someone or both, it is only a recommendation but I hope it helps you.

 

[NaughtyGirl]

Its hard to give an answer with that little information but the part where you said your only hope is that they will force you to get help sounds like that might be what you really want/need, even tho your anxiety makes you want the exact opposite like you said later in your text. i dont know all your reasons why youre feeling that way and i dont want to come up with the usual "oh its all just going to be fine dont kys haha xoxo" but i can tell you that failing to graduate really is something that will be more or less irrelevant in a few months or years (if thats one of the main reasons for you to ctb rn. also i relate a lot to what you said about your parents how you cant really talk to them or how your dad called you parasite, maybe moving out first would improve the relationship a little bit (worked for me, kind of. theres not that much contact, but also no fights anymore) but again i dont really know anything about the situation.
i think you should just give it a try since there will always be the option to ctb later. maybe even ask them for help finding a therapist or whatever.
good luck tho

Failing to graduate was just a trigger point I'm sure of it. My life felt more or less empty for more than half a decade now. I never had any plans for the future. I have no connections, no education, no practical talents, no driving license, no achievements, no meaningful job experience, nothing that I've built, no one whose life depends on me, no relationship and I keep isolating from the people I know so that my list of friends is shrinking and I lack motivation to do anything about it. Sometimes people mention isolating themselves for a couple of days or weeks, imagine being 19 and doing it for two years.

That's what happened when I failed at the university for the first time, precisely for the same reasons by the way, although it happened during second semester. I was one of the best students of my year at a pretty prestigious University, studying applied math which was one of the more difficult subject/majors offered. At one point I just got the feeling I felt slightly behind but instead of catching up which wouldn't be a problem at all I just became anxious and lost motivation to do things. That's when I isolated myself for 2 years. No facebook, no letters, no phone calls or messages. I disappeared completely. That's because I felt too embarrassed and too unworthy of talking to them. I lost at least two good friends because of that. Maybe not lost, one of them sent me an e-mail saying he wishes me all the best and that his doors are always open for me. But I'm too anxious and embarrassed to reach him. That was a couple years ago.

After that break I started studying English philology. This time I went all the way to 6th semester once again being one of the best students of the year but the same mechanism has caused me to fail again. I even had the feeling in the beginning that writing the thesis was probably going to be super hard for me and indeed it turned out to be impossible. Not for the lack of intelligence but rather due to my crippling anxiety.

Also I just realized that at the age of 25 I'm not even that young anymore. Thus far I still felt like I was just a kid and that somehow kept me comfortable but now that I'm closer to being 30 than 20 the illusion is fading away. At the same time I'm not old enough to feel like I may as well stick to the end.

Everything sounds difficult and scary to me. The thought of going to a doctor, of contacting my tutor or the dean's office, getting a job, inviting a girl to a cinema...

Oh, and should I mention that I haven't been to a doctor for a decade or so and I'm suffering multiple small ailments I probably shouldn't suffer from? Both my knees are slightly injured not that I can't walk but if I kept walking the stairs or running it would become uncomfortable rather quick. I definitely have my back injured in at least 2 or 3 places so I can't even lie on my back in my bed for too long or I start to feel pain. I can't lift heavy weights. My arms will sometimes go slightly numb because of that. I'llr regularly feel slight pain no matter what my position is. If I wear a backpack, even if it's just one small book inside it, the pain will grow and eventually become quite severe. I have strange headaches sometimes, In fact, if I keep masturbating for too long I start to feel really heavy pain in the right side of my head, I can literally sense my pulse inside my head. Crouching and bending forward gives me a slight headache too. Maybe it's because I once hit my head so hard parts of my canines crumbled. Maybe I suffered concussion back then which fucked up my brain. I even fucked up my feet because I once decided to try barefoot walking on a snow. I overdid it a little bit and I'm sure I lost some sensation in my feet because after that walking barefoot never felt quite as good to me as before. My left hand isn't fully functional because I cut myself while working in the shitty job once. My right hand also isn't in perfect condition because I feel constant tension in my wrist, probably from masturbating too much. It's actually a miracle that somehow, despite all the fapping that I did I didn't lose sensation in my dick. by the way, one of those back injuries, it's from masturbating in a bathtub. Basically I was always leaning against it and because it's hard at one point I think I might have dislocated my discus or something. I used to wear braces so my teeth weren't all over the place but now I'm seeing in the mirror that they're slowly getting skewed once again. So I can't run, lift, swim, etc. and I used to desire to have an athletic silhouette. I can't enjoy walking barefoot as much as I used to. I can't draw or play video games as good as I could because of the backache and the tension in my wrist, I feel like I can't educate myself properly because of frequent headaches. Soon, I won't even have a good looking smile anymore. When I think of what I could be if it wasn't for all these problems, it makes me want to stop everything.

Now, you may say "just go to a doctor". But at this point I think it's like telling someone paralyzed to just really focus and move their body. The anxiety, embarrassment and the sense of pointlessness stops from doing anything. Assuming that I keep living, it's more likely I'll just wait until the problems disappear, or become to unbearable or until I can fix them by myself somehow.

My life has been slowly crumbling for basically a decade now which is quite some time given that I'm 25 right now. And I did virtually nothing to change that. I require constant supervision. I'd need someone to tell me when to go to a doctor, which job to apply for, when to play games and when to work. Because when I'm left to myself I just fall into self-destructive behaviour.

It's just constant stress, anxiety, fear, disappointment and the feeling of wasted opportunity. Pretty much all my peers are now more successful and I bet more happy than me. I just keep falling more and more behind and I'm tired of it. Everyone is building something or at least they know what they want. The only thing I want is to live a life devoid of responsibilities. I want to live in the fantasy or sci-fi worlds I see in the movies, games or anime.

I feel like I should be crying writing all of this but I'm so detached from everything that I can't even do that. It really feels like numbness. Paradoxically I can cry much more easily when I watch anime, perhaps because I'm so dissociated I feel more like the characters I see on the screen than myself.

Writing all this makes me want to CTB more.

 

[ChobaniFlipSmores]

So...I failed every single class at an out of state University one year. I thought my parents were going to massacre me. Yet I don't even think they yelled at me one bit. I went back to University the next year and did okay. The entire process surprised the hell of out me. I'm pretty sure that they knew how depressed I was at the time and wanted to show that they accepted me no matter what. Not sure if your parents will be the same, but sometimes even the most strict of parents can surprise you.

 

[NaughtyGirl]

I know you say you don't want to work, but have you thought about your own blog/forum/videos? I've skimmed through your posts and you're super bright with a visionary spirit. You obviously can articulate yourself well and have no problem doing it for free (lol). You could write down/share your ideas and take sponsorships and ads to make money. There are actually loads of people who feel like us. Who knows where it could lead?

The thought of monetizing anything that I do makes me anxious. Just as I learned what hope means now that I feel like staying alive just because of it, I guess I also finally know why crippling anxiety is such a common collocation. Because I take it to an extreme in some sense.

It's like, someone would have to actively pick up the thing I write just as a hobby, publish them, and then hopefully send me some money. This is so fucked up. Perhaps if I felt like I had unlimited time I would have done it. It's not like I'm unaware of that. It's just, I don't feel motivated enough. I don't care enough about money except for the money I already have. Initializing anything is a nightmare for me. Once I get going it's better but starting, that's just awful.

I can relate and feel really sad for you. My parents, well mainly my father would also project these super high expectations. That only the highest degree would be 'good enough', otherwise it's useless.

That's a part of it too. Expectations. If I could give parents an advice I'd tell them to never expect anything from their kid, especially when they're still young and dependent.

I'm also likely much older than you to realize that it's all an overblown scam , school/work. Just designed to keep us enslaved and your father fell for the same trap . I hate that he called you a parasite that's not acceptable at all under any circumstances. Is he maybe abusive at times and your moms is drinking to help cope with that?

Not really.

Maybe, I don't know how old you are ,but maybe moving out is an option ? Maybe couch crash for a while with friends/family until you're settled ?

That sounds absolutely terrifying to me. I'm not kidding when I say the thought of shooting myself in the head makes me feel less anxious than the though of doing what you suggested. It's like there is a giant balloon growing inside my chest when I read your words. I guess this says something about my current condition. It's not that I haven't thought rationally about possible options, it's just that they're all scary to me.

If you are able to live within your means you don't need some overblown career prospect , that's part of the scam. People feel the need to 'keep up with the jones' and spend way beyond what they make and go into debt. Maybe in time you could follow Dave Ramsey and learn to invest ?

It's not like I have overblown ambitions, it's just that even doing a basic minimum scares me. The thought of actually earning money, moving out, entering a serious relationship, people my age either already went through that shit or are excited about it but I just feel paralyzed thinking about it.

I feel so entangled in those strange quirks of mine that I doubt whether I can be helped in any way. I think I'm probably a hopeless case, too tough of a nut to crack with current understanding of the brain.

 

[agate]

I actually felt the same way, that it was terrifying. I was 23 still living at home, but my parents wanted to move countries so I was forced to move out.
I actually felt free and relieved to finally be on my own, it was really eye opening and made me feel better /in control , not worse.
Work is the scary part, I agree, but it depends on largely what you're doing. Could you work for family ,anyone have their own business ?