If I died no one would know

[Thisgirlwantstosleep]

It's funny because people say not to CTB because of the pain it would cause others but that's not the case for me at all.

I just watched a video of a girl talking about her suicide attempt and how her friends were calling her all night so she wouldn't do it.

I have no one to call me. I have no friends and haven't for a while and probably won't ever again and have never had any romantic prospects and likely never will.

I'm truly a nobody. If anything I think there's quite a few people who'd be glad to be rid of me as I'm no more than a nuisance.

There would be some family members who would be upset and host a funeral for me but I'd still always be known as a weirdo who was always "troubled".

And this is if I kill myself while I'm still young. As an older woman I'd likely be dumped in a paupers grave with no headstone and that would be it.

There's so much fixation on not killing yourself because you're important to someone and it would make them sad but what if that's not the case at all?

It's a free for all after that?

That all being said I've given myself an ultimatum that if anything majorly bad happens between now and September/October I'm ordering N and ending this travesty of an existence once and for all.

I physically and mentally can't take the level of stress and sadness I feel everyday. It would both be cruel and ridiculous for anyone to suggest I torment myself any longer. Enough is enough.

 

[3xxn]

I can sympathise although there's something to be said for solitude + the comfort of like minded anonymous strangers on the internet. it's a peculiarly melancholy combination that isn't without anything. but at the end of the day you only owe your life to yourself and shouldn't be living for other people. it's the same when choosing your end - whether or not some people might miss you is irrelevant, it's not about them, it's your life.

 

[Ken Ough]

Some people just cope with their own worthless lives by telling others not to CTB. Others are too intelectually lazy to try and put themselves in others' shoes.
Personally I rarely encounter people who care about strangers dying. Those who whine about suicides are either selfish people who extrapolate everything on their lives ("if my kids try to do this...") or those who get annoyed by the mess suicidees can cause.

 

[m9q2As2$IG]

I'd say try to make a fundamental change in your habits & way of living. Use your deadline, but in this deadline period, focus completely on connecting with other people who will listen, understand, appreciate and empathize with you. If this doesn't work out, you can always choose to ctb. Continuing your miserable life the same way will only lead to the same hardship if you don't try to fundamentally change your life, meaning ctb or finding meaningful connections with others.

 

[Snake of Eden]

i feel similar in that daily sadness and pain can be unbearable. I hope you get a relief from your suffering in all circumstances. Dying alone is just as bad if not worse than leaving someone behind to grieve. I wish you well

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand that it is hard to carry on living when you are in a hopeless situation. I'm sorry you are suffering so much. Living really is tiring and painful. I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to last.

 

[Pluto]

I relate to what you say. If I were to CTB at home, I worry about the body not being found for months (yes, not my problem, but still...). No family or friends who would bother to keep in contact or actually care. I secretly find myself envying the lives of many others who want to CTB. The thought of growing old like this is unbearable. I hope you are able to find answers or peace.

 

[Midgardsorm]

Know that there are people who would care if you ctb. I know we never met, but I care. It's a shame that people off this forum are so far away from each other. Actually I think I have better friends here than IRL.

I'm sorry for that you have been through, I hope something happens and make you really happy, never to have to think of ctbing again. I'm rooting for you.

 

[316]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation, I can relate as I have very few people around me too.

I find it so wrong that other people are always used as an excuse to tell people to not ctb. Do they not stop and think about the person who wants to ctb and the situation they must be in to have made that decision

 

[LONE WOLF.]

The same here unfortunately! My corpse will just bloat and rot and Stink until some poor bastard notices the stench and calls either the pigs or the wombles at my local council! Who'll come round to the flat and shovel up my remains for a Paupers (cardboard box) cremation! How joyful eh?

 

[Marktheghost]

I just watched a video of a girl talking about her suicide attempt and how her friends were calling her all night so she wouldn't do it.

I have no one to call me. I have no friends and haven't for a while and probably won't ever again and have never had any romantic prospects and likely never will.

I can be your friend if you want.

 

[sully]

Oh, I'd prefer that so much! Not thinking about friends and family! I would do it long time ago if not for them.

 

[doesntevenmatter]

I think that people trying to tell us to stay alive for others is ridiculous. So we are selfish for CTB but they aren't for wanting us to stick around in pain just for their benefit? Often times I don't even know how much people care versus how much people just don't like change and don't want to have to go through the process of a funeral and "grieving" and everything else.

I do have a very few amount of people who love me and care about me, but when I am in that state it doesn't feel like anyone does. All that I can tell you is that those of us on here, most at least, DO care and we do understand because we are in the same boat. We also just want what is best for you, and to that end I hope that one way or another you find peace and until the time comes that you're able to post here and talk things out.