If I decide to live, I'm scared...

[hiddenbpd]

I'm scared that if I choose to live and attempt recovery with everything I have, that I will end up with something that will kill me anyway, like cancer or some other illness. And by that point, I'd want to live again so dying would be that much harder. I'm terrified of not having control over my death. I want to die before things get harder. I don't want to live to be old or become non-functional.
I don't think I'm ready to ctb, but I'm also not ready to heal. How am I supposed to cope? I'm so scared of every option that it paralyzes me.

 

[SarRy]

There is always uncertainty. If you encounter death after "recovery", you might still be able to handle death in a more reasonable way than others. If you became ill or disabled, you might be better able to focus on the good in your life to be content and satisfied. A certain level of acceptance and keeping on the sunny side seems to be the ticket to handling whatever life throws at you. Look into disability rights material. It's amazing how their lives are minimised as somehow deficient when, to them, they are living a full life. I would recommend Leslie Exp. on youtube for interesting and insightful videos. I like breslever media, but that's a more religious lens for dealing with life. I still find it useful.

Also, you know how when you get high expectations for something and then when you get it it's not a great as you thought? Well, the same can happen for tragedy. Once it happens, it's often not as overpowering, all encompassing, or life destroying as expected. Life is doing.
I hope you find peace.

 

[hiddenbpd]

There is always uncertainty. If you encounter death after "recovery", you might still be able to handle death in a more reasonable way than others. If you became ill or disabled, you might be better able to focus on the good in your life to be content and satisfied. A certain level of acceptance and keeping on the sunny side seems to be the ticket to handling whatever life throws at you. Look into disability rights material. It's amazing how their lives are minimised as somehow deficient when, to them, they are living a full life. I would recommend Leslie Exp. on youtube for interesting and insightful videos. I like breslever media, but that's a more religious lens for dealing with life. I still find it useful.

Also, you know how when you get high expectations for something and then when you get it it's not a great as you thought? Well, the same can happen for tragedy. Once it happens, it's often not as overpowering, all encompassing, or life destroying as expected. Life is doing.
I hope you find peace.

I wish I could be more content with uncertainty, but it honestly eats me alive. I avoid so much because of uncertainty. How are people just okay with the unknown and lack of control? Makes no sense to me.
You did make good points though, I never really of thought of things from that perspective.

 

[SarRy]

I wish I could be more content with uncertainty, but it honestly eats me alive. I avoid so much because of uncertainty. How are people just okay with the unknown and lack of control? Makes no sense to me.
You did make good points though, I never really of thought of things from that perspective.

I generally think that normal people have some sense of capability that protects them from fear. They seem to think that they can handle whatever comes to them. There is some truth in saying that you've survived everything up until now, so why expect different? I understand that fear though. Glad you found some value in my response.
Personally, having a way out does a lot to give me the courage to keep going on until I either find something I can't face or learn to have that self confidence that others seemed to gain in youth by virtue of the love they received. Something like how spies kept a suicide pill. I'm not recommending it, but it works for me in some sense.

 

[hiddenbpd]

I generally think that normal people have some sense of capability that protects them from fear. They seem to think that they can handle whatever comes to them. There is some truth in saying that you've survived everything up until now, so why expect different? I understand that fear though. Glad you found some value in my response.
Personally, having a way out does a lot to give me the courage to keep going on until I either find something I can't face or learn to have that self confidence that others seemed to gain in youth by virtue of the love they received. Something like how spies kept a suicide pill. I'm not recommending it, but it works for me in some sense.

Yeah, you're right. It's just a matter of convincing my irrational part of my brain that that's true. It likes to run the show most of the time.
I agree with you that having the comfort of knowing it could be over gives some courage to keep trying. Knowing that if I try as hard as I can and nothing changes, I can end it. I think it's why I keep half-ass choosing suicide dates. I think if I had a method easily accessible, I wouldn't have to keep picking dates. Maybe that would be enough.

 

[makethepainstop]

The only thing I have found about life is that it's a constant challenge. Remember one can ctb if things go sideways.

 

[hiddenbpd]

The only thing I have found about life is that it's a constant challenge. Remember one can ctb if things go sideways.

That is true. I'll give it another chance and see what happens . I don't know how many chances life deserves though.