If I can't help myself or expect people to help me, what is the point of trying?

[canyounotbesad]

I know it's selfish to expect friends and family to be there for me at every depressive episode. It isn't fair to expect them to not get burnt out of me and my depression. Everyone has their own issues, and the world doesn't revolve around me. I know I need to be able to be alone and handle myself on my own. But, if I can't expect people to help me and I can't seem to help myself, what is the point of trying anymore? I've gone to therapy and taken medicine, and it doesn't work. I've been told I'm therapy resistant and medicine always makes me feel worse. At this point I don't even know if I CAN get better. I know better, I know what to do, I know how to act but I don't do it. I can't seem to make myself fake it for long enough to make relationships that I haven't tainted with my depression and me being me.

I'm also tired of being told its always my fault. People don't reach out because of how I come off when I get sad, distant and stiff. Apparently, people can sniff out my depression like a cat that can smell death because I notice people pull away before I even know I'm really bad. It's my fault that people don't want to talk to me anymore. It's my fault for not getting better. There is always something I could do better or more of to better the situation. Even outside of depression I feel like it's always my fault. I can always do more. Yet I can't. I can't do any more. I can't push myself anymore. I feel like the more I push at this point the worse I get. The more I hurt people. Isn't it best to just stop the damage?

If I can't get better and I can't expect people to help me, I should mitigate the damage, right? I should prevent myself from burning people I love, keep everything inside. The best way to do this is to CTB, right? I'll stop hurting people and I will stop hurting. Yes, I will hurt people more in the immediate aftermath but in time people will see what I did was possibly the only selfless thing I have ever done. I think I'm going to plan for my birthday at the end of this year. Right before Christmas and the New Year so double whammy of a present and new beginnings for everyone.

 

[Alo the obvi alien]

I know it's selfish to expect friends and family to be there for me at every depressive episode. It isn't fair to expect them to not get burnt out of me and my depression. Everyone has their own issues, and the world doesn't revolve around me. I know I need to be able to be alone and handle myself on my own. But, if I can't expect people to help me and I can't seem to help myself, what is the point of trying anymore? I've gone to therapy and taken medicine, and it doesn't work. I've been told I'm therapy resistant and medicine always makes me feel worse. At this point I don't even know if I CAN get better. I know better, I know what to do, I know how to act but I don't do it. I can't seem to make myself fake it for long enough to make relationships that I haven't tainted with my depression and me being me.

I'm also tired of being told its always my fault. People don't reach out because of how I come off when I get sad, distant and stiff. Apparently, people can sniff out my depression like a cat that can smell death because I notice people pull away before I even know I'm really bad. It's my fault that people don't want to talk to me anymore. It's my fault for not getting better. There is always something I could do better or more of to better the situation. Even outside of depression I feel like it's always my fault. I can always do more. Yet I can't. I can't do any more. I can't push myself anymore. I feel like the more I push at this point the worse I get. The more I hurt people. Isn't it best to just stop the damage?

If I can't get better and I can't expect people to help me, I should mitigate the damage, right? I should prevent myself from burning people I love, keep everything inside. The best way to do this is to CTB, right? I'll stop hurting people and I will stop hurting. Yes, I will hurt people more in the immediate aftermath but in time people will see what I did was possibly the only selfless thing I have ever done. I think I'm going to plan for my birthday at the end of this year. Right before Christmas and the New Year so double whammy of a present and new beginnings for everyone.

This is what I feel too fam. I beg people to be honest when I am overwhelming and too much, but they stay silent all day and night. Until they are like, ugh you're so helpless and too much all the time I can't stand you. You can beg and beg for people to help you improve your life and still get nothing. Then, it's your fault for being honest and how you feel whenever they ask. Like if you don't care; don't ask. I can't stand all the hypocrisies in the world. I can't stand the fake behaviors. I just want either find the most straightforward country (because Americas full of passive fucks) or CTB out of this fucking world.

The same people that say, "love your neighbor like yourself" and homophobic, bigots, and would rather have guns then to protect other people's kids.

The same people that say, "everyone matters" are the same people that will cancel you, block you, and shun you Ina heartbeat.

I can't stand the fucking fakes that get mad because they can't use their fucking words.

 

[canyounotbesad]

This is what I feel too fam. I beg people to be honest when I am overwhelming and too much, but they stay silent all day and night. Until they are like, ugh you're so helpless and too much all the time I can't stand you. You can beg and beg for people to help you improve your life and still get nothing. Then, it's your fault for being honest and how you feel whenever they ask. Like if you don't care; don't ask. I can't stand all the hypocrisies in the world. I can't stand the fake behaviors. I just want either find the most straightforward country (because Americas full of passive fucks) or CTB out of this fucking world.

The same people that say, "love your neighbor like yourself" and homophobic, bigots, and would rather have guns then to protect other people's kids.

The same people that say, "everyone matters" are the same people that will cancel you, block you, and shun you Ina heartbeat.

I can't stand the fucking fakes that get mad because they can't use their fucking words.

It's almost always the people that make it know they love everyone and will be there for everyone who bail first when things get uncomfortable. I get it, its super uncomfortable to deal with someone who is constantly depressed but, and I know this isn't a healthy way to think, how do they think I feel? I literally feel trapped in my own messed up mind where I know better but can't be better. At this point I'm only on this planet to do a similar thing as you; move and be on my own or CTB.