If CTB fails I’ll go homeless

[Huggs]

It's by far not the only reason I need to CTB, I've needed to for years for many many reasons, but I'm thousands of dollars in debt. I've been unable to hold a job or get a college diploma, and my living situation is shaky. I can't afford to fail my attempt. I have 80 dollars in my bank account, everything's on credit cards and I'm almost maxed out. 10 weeks from now I have the chance to attempt, I want to combine CO and SN so my chances of waking up again are as slim as I can get them. These are the only methods that are viable for me.

Every day I wake up and I can't breathe properly, I have this crushing sensation of the wind being completely knocked out of me, I'm sick with stress and anxiety, I get physical aches and nausea from it and have constant tension in my body. I need to leave badly.

I'm so terrified of failing. I feel like I will fail. I have no money. I have to buy cheap materials and I feel like my setup won't be enough.

I'm so fucking scared.

 

[BlazingBob]

I'm in a similar situation. I can totally relate to the stress and anxiety. My chest hurts, no appetite, feel like throwing up. For me there's no way around it. Be homeless or ctb. I'm also sick dealing with a debilitating chronic illness that only gets worse with age. I'm up shit creek. In massive debt I'll never be able to repay. No friends and horrible toxic family. Living in an abusive situation because I have nowhere else to go. There's way more. Even some prolifers agree that ctb is understandable in my case. That said, taking that final step still scares the living out of me.

 

[embrace_release]

I feel the same, situation is pretty similar, although my financial situation will hold up for at least 2 more months until I'll die/be without shelter. Sorry you're feeling this backed into the corner.
For me personally it's the last nail in the coffin and even if I were better off financially, it wouldn't change much. I very much relate to the crushing feeling the moment you wake up, for me it's this weird numbness in my body and anxiety in my stomach at the same time. It's like being in a car which is running down a hill without breaks and a wall at the end of a road. No steering clear of that. Brain knows what's coming and it's pulling every lever it can grab.

Sorry for the way you're feeling, it's an atrocious feeling and I hope you can find a way to calm it a bit.

 

[Huggs]

I'm in a similar situation. I can totally relate to the stress and anxiety. My chest hurts, no appetite, feel like throwing up. For me there's no way around it. Be homeless or ctb. I'm also sick dealing with a debilitating chronic illness that only gets worse with age. I'm up shit creek. In massive debt I'll never be able to repay. No friends and horrible toxic family. Living in an abusive situation because I have nowhere else to go. There's way more. Even some prolifers agree that ctb is understandable in my case. That said, taking that final step still scares the living out of me.

I'm sorry for all the pain, sickness and fear, no one deserves that. I hope for peace and rest for the both of us, however it comes. If you ever want to talk about your life I'll listen.
Living more is what terrifies me, I hope with everything in me I pass when I attempt but it will be unpeaceful, I'll be fearing waking up again.

I feel the same, situation is pretty similar, although my financial situation will hold up for at least 2 more months until I'll die/be without shelter. Sorry you're feeling this backed into the corner.
For me personally it's the coffin in the nail and even if I were better off financially, it wouldn't change much. I very much relate to the crushing feeling the moment you wake up, for me it's this weird numbness in my body and anxiety in my stomach at the same time. It's like being in a car which is running down a hill without breaks and a wall at the end of a road. No steering clear of that. Brain knows what's coming and it's pulling every lever it can grab.

Sorry for the way you're feeling, it's an atrocious feeling and I hope you can find a way to calm it a bit.

You describe things very well. I'm sorry as well for your situation and what you're feeling, I hope you're able to find calm too.

 

[embrace_release]

Thank you. I find peace in the little things in life, like a beautiful sunset, the wind brushing through the fields in autumn, collecting mushrooms, nature in general makes me appreciate me being here. And hugs from my gf of course. Which is a double-edged sword, given how I experienced how short lived this joy can be and even stab you if you aren't careful. (Which, matter of fact might happen soon) Despite it, I still cherish physical touch.

Maybe try to find the beauty and calmness in the smallest of things, a little flower between some rocks, 2 birds cuddling on a rooftop etc. Beauty and joy don't paint themselves as such often, you need to find them. If you are not gonna be here in a couple of weeks anyways, then why not try to take a last gaze upon the things you perhaps overlooked in all of your life? This perspective made me a lot calmer about.. well, everything.

Much love

 

[front of me]

I'm in a position so close to you that I'll make my death inevitable

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really awful how such a thing as homelessness even exists, it just shows how this world truly is such a cruel and hellish place, it must be so horrible what you have to endure. But anyway best wishes, I hope you eventually find freedom from all the suffering, it's inhumane how we cannot just leave this world in peace in a guaranteed way without having to worry about an attempt to die going wrong.

 

[jbear824]

I can relate OP. Impending long term/permanent homelessness is also exacerbating my desire to die. Like you, it's not my only reason for wanting to die, but is the most pressing and immediate. I can't work. I have no way out of homelessness once I'm in it. The way life is for the homeless, is just not something I want to endure. And unfortunately, I have too much holding me back from ctb, that I will have to experience whatever slow painful death being homeless leads to.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm in a similar position. I've been banking on a successful CTB attempt to liberate me from my problems for a while now. If it fails even if left with no damage, I don't know what I'd do.