I understand that because I'm in the same boat. I also talk about suicide and related topics a lot. it's actually one of my most passionate subjects. I like imploring methods, I like expressing my struggles and how it transitioned into my suicidality from an early age. I even collect art about depression, loneliness and suicide, simply because I can relate so much to these topics. The art hits right at home. It helps, kinda, which isn't very surprising I guess, considering I've been suicidal basically my whole life. It's a part of my life, I've dealt with suicidality since I was 14 years old. I can't even fathom a life without suicide because I see it as a valid escape to all the suffering I've gone through in all these years. Being able to escape this nightmare someday in the future is the absolute goal for me and I respect everyone who managed to overcome the survival instinct and leave. It's what holds me back right at this very moment. I think talking about suicide is a valid outlet to all the pain that comes from living - at least while I'm unable to ctb. Of course people fantasize about the things that seem impossible to achieve right in the very moment and for some people in this forum, suicide is one of these things. I think that's just natural. And the idea of death, as tragic and saddening as it sounds, is very comforting for me.
Though, I'm not sure if idolizing perfectly describes my train of thought considering I'm not trying to portray the suicide of other people as a great event. I certainly kinda glorify my own exit but in most cases, suicide in general rather seems to be an act caused by severe suffering and pain and that's obviously a bad thing. It's tragic and every time I read the goodbye posts of other members in this forum, it makes me sad... even more when I read their stories that led to their membership in this forum. I never felt happiness when people felt the need to commit suicide in the past. But I'm relieved when a person finally can escape their suffering, when they're finally able to rest in peace. I hope you understand what I mean. I think this is a very important distinction.
And I get very angry when young people are pushed towards suicide because of bullying. This is a very personal topic and probably the best evidence that I'm absolutely not glorifying the death of others. I was bullied for many, many years in my childhood/teenhood and this triggered my suicidality back when I was 14 years old. It never left again and I've been suicidal ever since this happened. I have a special aversion towards bullies and I feel so much empathy to the victims of bullying, especially if it caused suicidal behavior. So no, I don't think I idolize suicide in general, it actually makes me sad and miserable. But I certainly feel peaceful and calm when I think about my own exit. I think it's totally justified to use the term idolizing in that context. I think it's important to approach this topic with as much nuance as possible.
I'm also very passionate about philosophical discussions that involve the right to die but I guess this is a different subject.
