Venting Idk what’s wrong with me, I don’t feel anything.

[BlueButterfly111]

I've been like this basically for the last 10 years, since I was 13, I'm 23 now. I just don't feel anything, I don't feel happy, I don't feel love, I don't feel joy, I just feel hollow and empty. I suspect that I may be autistic, I think I have low empathy as well. I just don't feel anything for anyone or anything. I'm not saying all of this to seem, "edgy," and I don't bother opening up about it to others because I always get told that I'm just "wrong" for being the way that I am. I know I need to go to therapy, and I am working on that. I just found a job, but all of the jobs that I've had in the past never go well because I usually end up getting bullied for my suspected autism. I'm gonna try to keep a job up until I get the first paycheck at least, so I can start doing DoorDash and uber eats as a way to make money.

I don't really care whether or not I live or die, and have contemplated suicide before in the past. I feel really lonely, and want friends, but every time I try to make some at best I end up being just tolerated, and at worst I end up being bullied. I have memory issues and get laughed at for being "slow." Like I said, I'm working on getting a car so that I can go to a psychiatrist to address all of this, but for now I guess I just wanted to vent. Sometimes I feel hopeless, but I keep telling myself it's a new year, and I can find something to live for eventually. I can't believe I'm still here.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

You may not have it, but have you tried connecting with people who have ASPD? There are some experiences that you guys might have in common and it's good to have someone who won't judge you for what seems "out of the ordinary" to them.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

You may not have it, but have you tried connecting with people who have ASPD? There are some experiences that you guys might have in common and it's good to have someone who won't judge you for what seems "out of the ordinary" to them.

Thank you for the suggestion, I have no idea where to meet other people like me. I heard that there are apps for neurodivergent people, but idk if you have to be diagnosed to go there, and I'm not sure if I should go until I get assessments. I guess I would have to do some research about where to find other people like me, but like I said, I'm gonna try and get assessed first. I do know that my partner who died had mental health issues, and that I usually get along well with others who tend to be different or seemingly neurodivergent themselves, but that usually happens rarely for me, and by random chance.

I think I would feel uncomfortable going on dating apps again though, because the last guy I tried to date noticed my weird traits, and started being abusive/taking advantage of me. So I feel like if I did try to date again, I'd probably want to go on a app or to places where other neurodivergent people are, but like I said I want to try and get assessments first! I appreciate the advice!!

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Thank you for the suggestion, I have no idea where to meet other people like me. I heard that there are apps for neurodivergent people, but idk if you have to be diagnosed to go there, and I'm not sure if I should go until I get assessments. I guess I would have to do some research about where to find other people like me, but like I said, I'm gonna try and get assessed first. I do know that my partner who died had mental health issues, and that I usually get along well with others who tend to be different or seemingly neurodivergent themselves, but that usually happens rarely for me, and by random chance.

I think I would feel uncomfortable going on dating apps again though, because the last guy I tried to date noticed my weird traits, and started being abusive/taking advantage of me. So I feel like if I did try to date again, I'd probably want to go on a app or to places where other neurodivergent people are, but like I said I want to try and get assessments first! I appreciate the advice!!

Just making sure you're aware, but I said ASPD, aka Antisocial Personality Disorder, not ASD/Autism. Most autistic people will unfortunately not relate to your emotional blunting, as that is not a symptom of autism whatsoever. Some will relate to your reduced empathy, but others are convinced that autistic people "all have high empathy" despite this being a myth.

Regardless, I think you need to speak to people that experience emotional blunting like you, npt just people with a diagnostic label—hence why I mentioned ASPD, since emotional blunting is a symptom of it and they may relate.

There are multiple people on here who are open "sociopaths" and have made threads discussing their struggles, but otherwise, I've found a surprising amount of people with ASPD on Meta platforms (Instagram, Threads, Facebook, even Facebook groups that you may be able to join even without knowing for sure if you have ASPD). Reddit is a toss-up, and Discord can be helpful or not depending on the server.

 

[CuckoosInvisible]

Thank you for posting this. Yes, I relate heavily. I don't know if it's a personality disorder or some form of neurodivergency, but it's a nasty thing to have (or I suppose, to not have) when mixed with whatever it is that causes us suicidal ideation. It makes identifying the root problem incredibly difficult, if there even is a problem at all. Intellectualization is common for me. Personally it's put a stopper on my desire to go to therapy at all because what would I even say?

"How are you feeling?" "I feel fine," I would probably respond. That may sound like a cop-out answer, but it's not. I truly, sincerely do feel fine. I feel 'fine' a good 85% of the time. Just fine. I might have moments where I'm more anxious or amused, but the actual state-of-mind is consistent.
"What do you seek to gain out of therapy?" I don't know. I have absolutely no clue. All I know is that something might be very deeply wrong with me. Can you please perform your magic and identify it for me?
"What do you desire from your relationships?" Absolutely nothing.