Discussion Idk if I want to get better

[dec132013]

If I had the choice to either cure my depression or die tbh I think I'd let myself die.

I first started hating being conscious almost 7 years ago now, I can't even remember what it was like to want to live. It feels so stupid that I basically "want" to stay mentally ill but it feels better than thinking of spending another year here. I feel it'd be even worse to be emotionally attached to this shit hole planet and want to participate in it.

Anyone else the same way?

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Yeah, it feels easier to just end it all instead of trying to fix my life. It feels futile to try and recover only to continue living in such a fucked up world.

 

[Just A NPC]

I am almost 40 and the idea of trying to fix myself seems nothing more than just a temporary bandaid now. I've realized life can feel okay for a little bit, but it's always going to end up back in a sucking hole of darkness.

Sometimes hope feels just as self injurious as when I'd cut myself with a razor.

 

[Superdeterminist]

In a similar vein, I'm terrified of returning to this planet after death as another human being, only this time as a naive pro-lifer who wilfully ignores or downplays all the horror and suffering. This kind of worry has actually given me pause on whether I should ctb.

 

[J113632]

I feel the same way. Even as a child, I have always felt that no matter what my life has to end in suicide. Even if my depression went away I don't think I could shake the feeling that there's no point in me being here.

I am almost 40 and the idea of trying to fix myself seems nothing more than just a temporary bandaid now. I've realized life can feel okay for a little bit, but it's always going to end up back in a sucking hole of darkness.

Sometimes hope feels just as self injurious as when I'd cut myself with a razor.

That's the worst part of feeling ok. You know it's going to end. Being around friends and family kills me sometimes because it will suddenly strike me that our times together will change nothing and after the day is over, I will be right back where I always end up.

 

[Just A NPC]

Even if my depression went away I don't think I could shake the feeling that there's no point in me being here.

I was actually thinking about something along the lines of this today. Even when I inevitably feel better temporarily, no matter what that entails, I've still seen things that I can't unsee. The knowledge of that makes feeling okay even almost an empty thing. It is a crappy cycle.

 

[Green Destiny]

I feel very similar. Thing is, is that even if I got help and took meds or got a therapist it doesn't change the fact of how dark and evil the world will always continue to be. Getting my depression cured (if it's even possible) won't stop global warming. If anything I speculate that pills will only blind me to the fact that the world will always be a bad place and while i'm extremely miserable as I am now at least i'm no fool when it comes to how life really is, a rat race filled with endless greed and so much more horrible things.