snowlance
Ticking Time Bomb
- Sep 8, 2023
- 203
After sunsets ctb I've been broken the past few days. I dont think much anymore, and distract and numb myself constantly. They gave me money to pay my phone bill so I could keep doing uber, and now I might not be able to make my next payment on the 1st. I need around 400$ because of all the extensions I keep asking for and my mental health has gotten so bad I can barely make enough each month and have borrowed money 4 times now from family or friends. But I need to keep going so his help wasn't in vain. I feel so disgusting. I think for the first time in my life, I feel scared of myself. Unlike a lot of people here I don't really want to die, or more like I do but I'm so afraid of an afterlife I won't do it...at least not consciously...what I mean by that is my anxiety attacks have gotten so bad now that it's so easy for me to have a panic attack or dissociate now. Everywhere I go it's anxiety landmines everywhere, no where is safe except my car, but I'm gonna lose that soon if i dont make the 400$. I dont feel like myself as much anymore. When I first started disability I thought It would help but now I know I absolutely need it. It's life debilitating now. When i have an anxiety attack, I either dissociate and feel like everything isnt real and im dreaming or have a panic attack and try to escape the situation any way i can, even if i have to end my life. And impulsive suicides never go well I've heard.
Literally the main thing preventing me from having panic attacks or ending it is weed. I planned to end it before I tried weed because my adhedonia was so bad I couldn't find joy in anything anymore. But weed kinda brought that back and If I can just get on disability and live with my friend again, maybe I could actually live a good life. Or so I think but life actually fucking hates me a lot for some reason. I have the worst luck ever, I wont talk about it much here but it's almost like a curse, and something that's happened so consistently it can't be a coincidence kind of thing. It's like this cycle. Almost comedically bad things happen. Hell when I was venting about this curse a few days ago I fell down the stairs as if life was mocking me. The biggest thing I'm scared of is being in that state of mind where ctb is the only option. I almost did it twice in my life and It's the worst feeling ever and I want to live but it feels like my life is this comedy game show that aliens laugh at or I'm at the mercy of some evil God and wtf do you even do about that if it's true? You could prove as much as you can hell isn't real but if there's a slight chance it does, ill forever be paranoid of dying. Suffering for eternity, without getting used to the pain, is horrifying to me. I'm slowly losing my sanity though and if I cant do uber and buy weed, I won't be able to shut down a panic attack when it happens and I could end up just ending my life without thinking straight. I'm like a prisoner in my own mind and I can't escape and I'm about to get the death penalty whether I like it or not.
Literally the main thing preventing me from having panic attacks or ending it is weed. I planned to end it before I tried weed because my adhedonia was so bad I couldn't find joy in anything anymore. But weed kinda brought that back and If I can just get on disability and live with my friend again, maybe I could actually live a good life. Or so I think but life actually fucking hates me a lot for some reason. I have the worst luck ever, I wont talk about it much here but it's almost like a curse, and something that's happened so consistently it can't be a coincidence kind of thing. It's like this cycle. Almost comedically bad things happen. Hell when I was venting about this curse a few days ago I fell down the stairs as if life was mocking me. The biggest thing I'm scared of is being in that state of mind where ctb is the only option. I almost did it twice in my life and It's the worst feeling ever and I want to live but it feels like my life is this comedy game show that aliens laugh at or I'm at the mercy of some evil God and wtf do you even do about that if it's true? You could prove as much as you can hell isn't real but if there's a slight chance it does, ill forever be paranoid of dying. Suffering for eternity, without getting used to the pain, is horrifying to me. I'm slowly losing my sanity though and if I cant do uber and buy weed, I won't be able to shut down a panic attack when it happens and I could end up just ending my life without thinking straight. I'm like a prisoner in my own mind and I can't escape and I'm about to get the death penalty whether I like it or not.
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