Identity separation due to trauma

[MidnightDream]

Has anyone else experienced identity separation/dissociation as a result of repeated trauma and self harm?

When I was younger, I really struggled. I had so much trauma in a short space of time that I physically couldn't deal with, I was so depressed all the time and wanted to ctb so badly. SI left me way too scared, so all I did was hurt myself into submission. I felt so trapped, I honestly couldn't see a way out and I couldn't deal with it.
One day, I woke up and all of that was just gone. I was fine. I thought that I'd recovered, for a long time I was in denial. I couldn't work it out. I'm only just now starting to realise what actually happened, I've only just opened my mind to see what's really going on.

I don't know what to call it, but there is quite literally 2 people living inside my body.

1. The embodiment of my survival instinct. I feel numb, I don't understand emotion and feel no relationship with my trauma - I barely remember it unless it's brought up. I'm pretty capable of dealing with life. I don't particularly want to die right now, I'm content in apathy, although I still recognise that I have a relationship and an attraction towards suicide. I'm the one that brought us to this site, wanting to teach myself that impulse isn't the way to go and to trick that other version of me into focusing on a plan rather than impulse.

2. The embodiment of all of my trauma. She's holding EVERYTHING. She can't handle any kind of emotion, is in continuous crisis, and is solely focused on destroying us both. 2 only comes out when triggered, biggest triggers being alcohol, drug use, disrespect, confrontation, and the very minute things that might trigger a reminder of trauma to person 1, I can't give any examples because it's pretty rare.
When she comes out, I can't see anything other than what I'm currently feeling in that moment. I'm in crisis, I'm in panic, I'm focused on suicide. I'm determined to end it all. Once she leaves, and the other version of me is back out, I don't recognise or relate to those feelings at all, and I'm baffled at her actions. I'm able to remember, but it's like a blur. Like a movie. Like it just wasn't me.

Unfortunately, person 1 is determined to keep us safe. Person 2 finds herself calling helplines even though she doesn't want to. She finds herself in hospital and doesn't understand why. We both now understand that impulse isn't the way, but that only makes person 2 more frenzied, panicked and determined to succeed. It makes person 1 feel frustrated, trapped, and genuinely at a loss. Person 1 is incredibly scared of person 2, and rightfully so. She's only becoming more determined, and I do believe she will succeed in killing us both eventually.

I feel like my brain did this in order to ensure the body and the spirit would survive. A long-term trauma response, I guess. Seems like an incredibly warped joke from my SI.

Really interested to hear if anyone else has experienced anything like this.

 

[western_heart]

Yes. All of this is relatable to me... childhood trauma is the cause. I have multiple alters, some suicidal, one in particular who does planning and preparation. I have alters who hold trauma. I/we use a lot of drugs to manage my feelings, process my emotions & try to be a functional person. I have limited memory between alters and the switches can be pretty abrupt.
I don't remember a lot of the trauma before age 8-9 (there are memories but I don't usually have access to them, when I do remember I try to write things down). There was one event that changed me back then and I have never been the same since. I'm just now figuring all of this out about myself in my 30s, how stuff affected me as a child, how continuing to live with my parents til I was 22 & moving back in with them a few times made it harder for me to heal, how I can get triggered by certain behaviors in others that's similar to dad/family, by places I went as a kid, by media, etc. How it led me to engage in risky activities as an adult, makes it difficult for me to safely live independently, how I keep using dissociation as coping mechanism decades later. How even though I desperately wish the dissociation would stop and I could be a whole person, I need to keep my system going to survive. No part of me is strong enough on their own.

Are you familiar with complex PTSD and dissociative disorders? I am diagnosed with PTSD & think I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I'm not quite sure if I'm diagnosed with DID, I have discussed it with therapists but not seen the exact diagnosis in writing. it's either that or OSDD...

 

[MidnightDream]

Yes. All of this is relatable to me... childhood trauma is the cause. I have multiple alters, some suicidal, one in particular who does planning and preparation. I have alters who hold trauma. I/we use a lot of drugs to manage my feelings, process my emotions & try to be a functional person. I have limited memory between alters and the switches can be pretty abrupt.
I don't remember a lot of the trauma before age 8-9 (there are memories but I don't usually have access to them, when I do remember I try to write things down). There was one event that changed me back then and I have never been the same since. I'm just now figuring all of this out about myself in my 30s, how stuff affected me as a child, how continuing to live with my parents til I was 22 & moving back in with them a few times made it harder for me to heal, how I can get triggered by certain behaviors in others that's similar to dad/family, by places I went as a kid, by media, etc. How it led me to engage in risky activities as an adult, makes it difficult for me to safely live independently, how I keep using dissociation as coping mechanism decades later. How even though I desperately wish the dissociation would stop and I could be a whole person, I need to keep my system going to survive. No part of me is strong enough on their own.

Are you familiar with complex PTSD and dissociative disorders? I am diagnosed with PTSD & think I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I'm not quite sure if I'm diagnosed with DID, I have discussed it with therapists but not seen the exact diagnosis in writing. it's either that or OSDD...

I'm not as aware with CPTSD as I am with DID, but I would be very hesitant personally to ever use terms such as alters to describe my situation as I wouldn't want to infringe in any way on the DID space. Although I do experience the limited memory between the 2 and they do change quite abruptly, I don't believe it's to the extent of someone who has DID or DID traits, and I would never want to impose on that experience or those struggles. I guess they do share themes with regards to different areas of the brain holding different things in the idea of self preservation, it's actually really interesting to hear your experience with dissociative identities and how similar our experiences are in some regards. I really appreciate you sharing your insight on the topic. I'm sorry you've gone through the awful things you've been through that have brought you here, but I'm really appreciative that you've chosen to share that with me.