Ideal Method

[anonbpdgirl]

So, I've been feeling pretty serious about suicide lately. I have BPD and a big "trigger" for me is abandonment, and two people I considered somewhat close to my life (one less so, the other more) have abandoned me and cut me off. This keeps happening and I don't know why. But this isn't the time for that.

I've been thinking lately about my absolute dream method. The one that, if I had the money, I'd do right now. Mine is to have a shitty meal, something like McDonalds (which is extra nice for me because I'm vegetarian so never eat that kind of stuff anyway). I'd binge it all. I have an issue with binge eating, so it would nice to do without having to have the horrible worrying after effects. Then I'd neck a bottle (more likely two, for safety) of Nembutal. Then I'd eat a little bit of chocolate, to get rid of the bitter taste just like Dignatas, and curl up into bed. Soft, warm, fluffy blankets. I'd drift off into a sweet, painless sleep.

I want this so fucking bad. I am in pain everyday.

 

[BPD_LE]

Speaking from a BPD point of view, the bit that struck me is that you say you don't know why people cut you off. I'm interested to know if you've been in therapy? I totally get you by the way. I get suicidal when people withdraw. It's happening now to me too

 

[anonbpdgirl]

Speaking from a BPD point of view, the bit that struck me is that you say you don't know why people cut you off. I'm interested to know if you've been in therapy? I totally get you by the way. I get suicidal when people withdraw. It's happening now to me too

I really don't know why, but so many have. Endless amounts of friends. My closest ever best friend is probably the one who hurts the most, and it was two years ago now. I don't know how you get over those kind of heartbreaks.

But anyway, no I have never been in therapy. I've tried very hard to get some. I'm the kind of person who believes I owe it to the people who do still love and care about me to try everything before I CTB. At least then, they'll have no doubts it was right for me. It may give them some sort of peace. But anyway, yeah. I've not had therapy. I've tried hard but my GP says my personality disorder is not "severe enough" as I haven't been hospitalized before, and that CTB won't work. I tried CTB anyway but she was right that it did nothing. Felt like trying to put a plaster on wet skin.

 

[BPD_LE]

That's shit. I had 8 years of DBT with a good therapist when I was 19. I don't believe DBT solves the problem long term but it did help me understand myself better. I'm now very self aware and I know what I'm doing to push people away. The problem however is I have trouble not doing it. Like it's an automatic response. I can see what I'm doing but I can't stop it. It's a well worn path. Maybe some insight comes with age too. Not being able to have meaningful relationships is really hard.

 

[hatelife]

I really don't know why, but so many have. Endless amounts of friends. My closest ever best friend is probably the one who hurts the most, and it was two years ago now. I don't know how you get over those kind of heartbreaks.

But anyway, no I have never been in therapy. I've tried very hard to get some. I'm the kind of person who believes I owe it to the people who do still love and care about me to try everything before I CTB. At least then, they'll have no doubts it was right for me. It may give them some sort of peace. But anyway, yeah. I've not had therapy. I've tried hard but my GP says my personality disorder is not "severe enough" as I haven't been hospitalized before, and that CTB won't work. I tried CTB anyway but she was right that it did nothing. Felt like trying to put a plaster on wet skin.

how about when its your own brother like in my case :( he wouldnt talk to be if I wasnt his sister, barely does anyways

 

[BPD_LE]

how about when its your own brother like in my case :( he wouldnt talk to be if I wasnt his sister, barely does anyways

My family don't talk to me. They're fucking useless anyway.

 

[anonbpdgirl]

That's shit. I had 8 years of DBT with a good therapist when I was 19. I don't believe DBT solves the problem long term but it did help me understand myself better. I'm now very self aware and I know what I'm doing to push people away. The problem however is I have trouble not doing it. Like it's an automatic response. I can see what I'm doing but I can't stop it. It's a well worn path. Maybe some insight comes with age too. Not being able to have meaningful relationships is really hard.

I feel quite emotionally intelligent. I know what I do and how I do it, I've sat with my own brain long enough to work it out, but it never seems to work. There is absolutely no control.

how about when its your own brother like in my case :( he wouldnt talk to be if I wasnt his sister, barely does anyways

I am not close with my family. I am very sorry for your distance from your brother. I hope that time heals these emotional wounds.

 

[hatelife]

My family don't talk to me. They're fucking useless anyway.

most ppl are, animals are the best, never judge me

 

[Haku]

So, I've been feeling pretty serious about suicide lately. I have BPD and a big "trigger" for me is abandonment, and two people I considered somewhat close to my life (one less so, the other more) have abandoned me and cut me off. This keeps happening and I don't know why. But this isn't the time for that.

I've been thinking lately about my absolute dream method. The one that, if I had the money, I'd do right now. Mine is to have a shitty meal, something like McDonalds (which is extra nice for me because I'm vegetarian so never eat that kind of stuff anyway). I'd binge it all. I have an issue with binge eating, so it would nice to do without having to have the horrible worrying after effects. Then I'd neck a bottle (more likely two, for safety) of Nembutal. Then I'd eat a little bit of chocolate, to get rid of the bitter taste just like Dignatas, and curl up into bed. Soft, warm, fluffy blankets. I'd drift off into a sweet, painless sleep.

I want this so fucking bad. I am in pain everyday.

Other than a few things you mentioned, its like you took the words out of my mouth. I am also a person with BPD, and it's a bit ironic but, I actually just found out almost a week ago that I have BPD. When I was still just a lurker of this site, I ran into a few posts from a member on here that said she had BPD, I was unfamiliar with this term, but for some strange reason I was interested in finding out about it, so I searched it on google to see what BPD even stood for, and before I scrolled down to the results, it hit me, Bipolar Disorder or depression, then I finally looked, nope, not that at all, so I got more curious and started reading the question and answers section, 3 hours later, I was in shock, all the questions I had about myself for the past 15 years were answered, I almost had a breakdown, and I thought to myself, Bipolar my ass, the handful of therapists I saw throughout my life, I felt like they needed to go back to medical school, but then I found another answer that told me this is a Disorder that gets misdiagnosed quite a bit, so then I'm like, well I guess my doctors wouldn't of known anyway. So yea, I didnt have a medical professional tell me I had BPD, the answer just fell into my lap, but apparently if you dont get treating in the early stages, it cant be cured when it's at its worst. I saw that as the Universe telling me to go fuck myself. So this info is 10 years too late, and does not change the fact that I'm still going to ctb. Going back to your dream method, I would also love to die in my sleep painlessly from N, and also eat McDonald's with it. You said you were vegetarian, I'm Vegan, so yea. I do hope you are able to go your dream method, if not, I hope you find the next best thing, and i wish you nothing bit love and peace