Venting Id just like to tell my story...

[GemCami]

Im Cami. Im 27. Im a transwoman. I think. Lately i dont really know who or what i am anymore. I started my transition 4 years ago. I had something. A passion, a desire to be me, a desire to be something i quickly found out i cant be. In the last 2 years ive moved homes, cities, lost everything i own, watched everything crumble around me. I lost friends, or more accurately, i pushed all of the people away so that i wouldnt have to feel the intense jealousy that comes from being in the presence of cis people. Im almost conpletely isolated. I have my mom, and i have my best friend/boyfriend, but he doesnt live near me, so its just...an online friendship.

Over the last 2 years ive pushed people away, trying to protect myself from the excruciating insecurity that comes from being around cis people, especially cis women. Just hearing a womans voice, seeing them, my stomach drops, i feel hollow and empty and worthless. And the jealousy has become an angry cancer that has taken over my every thought and moment. I feel like biologically, i cant express or live the life i feel like...is me. And now i dont even recognize myself. I wake up so tired. Exhausted. Im too tired to take care of this body. I suffer from addictions i use to numb myself. I cant barely move half the time. My body has atrophied away. I feel incapable of giving my boyfriend, or any man, something intimate and beautiful worth sharing. And i am. The anger and fear are endless and i dont feel much like the person who wanted to start this journey. Rn my bf is off on vacation for his birthday, and i cant be there. I cant offer him anything. And im wracked with fear and distrust of the cis women around him who have what i cant to give him and that im going to lose 1 of the 2 people that some shatterred part of me cares about. I just hate myself so much. I never wanted this.

I want to CTB but...i dont want to hurt everyone. My mom is aging and wont last forever. Ive hurt and pushed my boy friend away so much, its only a matter of time til im alone...and as much as i want to go now, itll be easier when im alone.

Im almost ready.

 

[aprincessclara]

Im Cami. Im 27. Im a transwoman. I think. Lately i dont really know who or what i am anymore. I started my transition 4 years ago. I had something. A passion, a desire to be me, a desire to be something i quickly found out i cant be. In the last 2 years ive moved homes, cities, lost everything i own, watched everything crumble around me. I lost friends, or more accurately, i pushed all of the people away so that i wouldnt have to feel the intense jealousy that comes from being in the presence of cis people. Im almost conpletely isolated. I have my mom, and i have my best friend/boyfriend, but he doesnt live near me, so its just...an online friendship.

Over the last 2 years ive pushed people away, trying to protect myself from the excruciating insecurity that comes from being around cis people, especially cis women. Just hearing a womans voice, seeing them, my stomach drops, i feel hollow and empty and worthless. And the jealousy has become an angry cancer that has taken over my every thought and moment. I feel like biologically, i cant express or live the life i feel like...is me. And now i dont even recognize myself. I wake up so tired. Exhausted. Im too tired to take care of this body. I suffer from addictions i use to numb myself. I cant barely move half the time. My body has atrophied away. I feel incapable of giving my boyfriend, or any man, something intimate and beautiful worth sharing. And i am. The anger and fear are endless and i dont feel much like the person who wanted to start this journey. Rn my bf is off on vacation for his birthday, and i cant be there. I cant offer him anything. And im wracked with fear and distrust of the cis women around him who have what i cant to give him and that im going to lose 1 of the 2 people that some shatterred part of me cares about. I just hate myself so much. I never wanted this.

I want to CTB but...i dont want to hurt everyone. My mom is aging and wont last forever. Ive hurt and pushed my boy friend away so much, its only a matter of time til im alone...and as much as i want to go now, itll be easier when im alone.

Im almost ready.

I'm 21, MTF, been on HRT for 2 years. I don't have anything positive to say, just that I'm going through the same thing and feel the same way. I'm tired of being in a body of the in between phase, and getting out of it will cost 10s of thousands which means years of more suffering.

I'm mentally strained from feeling like I don't exist in this world and unable to participate in it and live a normal life without feeling like there'll always be someone or something trying to invalidate me or out me.

Things that used to trigger me like all the hate towards people like us I am now indifferent towards in order to keep my sanity intact. I don't want to associate with the non-dysphoric pro-life lunatics who have hijacked the trans community, and I'm sick of any community now, transmedicalism too, everywhere is just an echo chamber of unhelpful people.

I had so much hope and optimism when I started HRT. Sure my face has softened a lot and maybe my hips have widened, but I've had hardly any breast growth and my face still causes me pain when I look in the mirror. My dysphoria is worse than it was before I transitioned. My body just physically hurts, and I can't even listen or watch ciswomen on the TV anymore. I get terrified interacting with ciswomen feeling like I'm a fake or an inferior and the pain is too immense.

The only solution I can think of is to come to terms with the idea of death and ceasing to exist. I feel like the more I suffer and endure dysphoria the closer I get to being content with the idea and having any real control over my life.

I'm already caring less about human beings in general. I'm lonely and isolated and I don't see how things are going to change. Maybe with the time and energy, I could eventually end up living a cis woman life, but it's a big maybe and I don't feel like the energy to go that far is there anymore. I've suffered long enough trying to pick myself up off the ground.

Maybe if my skin was thicker I could get a job and start working towards what feels like a fantasy, but dysphoria inflicts such pain on my core that I fear enduring may just lead me to further insanity. I feel like I'm already becoming more easy to flip and more indifferent towards dark things in general just by continuing to live.

 

[Rachel74]

Im Cami. Im 27. Im a transwoman. I think. Lately i dont really know who or what i am anymore. I started my transition 4 years ago. I had something. A passion, a desire to be me, a desire to be something i quickly found out i cant be. In the last 2 years ive moved homes, cities, lost everything i own, watched everything crumble around me. I lost friends, or more accurately, i pushed all of the people away so that i wouldnt have to feel the intense jealousy that comes from being in the presence of cis people. Im almost conpletely isolated. I have my mom, and i have my best friend/boyfriend, but he doesnt live near me, so its just...an online friendship.

Over the last 2 years ive pushed people away, trying to protect myself from the excruciating insecurity that comes from being around cis people, especially cis women. Just hearing a womans voice, seeing them, my stomach drops, i feel hollow and empty and worthless. And the jealousy has become an angry cancer that has taken over my every thought and moment. I feel like biologically, i cant express or live the life i feel like...is me. And now i dont even recognize myself. I wake up so tired. Exhausted. Im too tired to take care of this body. I suffer from addictions i use to numb myself. I cant barely move half the time. My body has atrophied away. I feel incapable of giving my boyfriend, or any man, something intimate and beautiful worth sharing. And i am. The anger and fear are endless and i dont feel much like the person who wanted to start this journey. Rn my bf is off on vacation for his birthday, and i cant be there. I cant offer him anything. And im wracked with fear and distrust of the cis women around him who have what i cant to give him and that im going to lose 1 of the 2 people that some shatterred part of me cares about. I just hate myself so much. I never wanted this.

I want to CTB but...i dont want to hurt everyone. My mom is aging and wont last forever. Ive hurt and pushed my boy friend away so much, its only a matter of time til im alone...and as much as i want to go now, itll be easier when im alone.

Im almost ready.

What would make you love yourself?

 

[GemCami]

I'm 21, MTF, been on HRT for 2 years. I don't have anything positive to say, just that I'm going through the same thing and feel the same way. I'm tired of being in a body of the in between phase, and getting out of it will cost 10s of thousands which means years of more suffering.

I'm mentally strained from feeling like I don't exist in this world and unable to participate in it and live a normal life without feeling like they'll always be someone trying to spot me.

Things that used to trigger me like all the hate towards people like us I now just justify as right in order to keep my sanity intact. I don't want to associate with the non-dysphoric pro-life lunatics who have hijacked the trans community, and I'm sick of any community now, transmedicalism too, everywhere is just an echo chamber of unhelpful people.

I had so much hope and optimism when I started HRT. Sure my face has softened a lot and maybe my hips have widened, but I've had hardly any breast growth and my face still causes me pain when I look in the mirror. My dysphoria is worse than it was before I transitioned. My body just physically hurts, and I can't even listen or watch ciswomen on the TV anymore. I get terrified interacting with ciswomen feeling like I'm a fake or an inferior and the pain is too immense.

The only solution I can think of is to come to terms with the idea of death and ceasing to exist. I feel like the more I suffer and endure dysphoria the closer I get to being content with the idea and having any real control over my life.

I'm already caring less about human beings in general. I'm lonely and isolated and I don't see how things are going to change. Maybe with the time and energy, I could eventually end up living a cis women life, but I don't feel like the energy is there anymore. I've suffered long enough trying to pick myself up off the ground.

Maybe if my skin was rougher I could get a job and start working towards what feels like a fantasy, but dysphoria inflicte such pain on my core that I fear enduring may just lead me to further insanity. I feel like I'm already becoming more easy to flip and more indifferent towards dark things in general just bu continuobg to live.

Welcome to somewhere safe. Where your hurt wont be invaidated. Where the triggers are minimal. Once im off my first 24 hour chat ban, feel free to talk to me anytime. Im never very far. Its nice feeling understood.

What would make you love yourself?

Being valued as a real female. Its impossible to quite describe to you what i mean if you dont understand it fully yourself. Im not talking about the silly gender discussion, im talking about my literal biological sex, which is an actual impossibility.

2nd would be getting every surgery i need, meaning facial feminization surgery, bottom surgery, full hair removal, voice coaching/surgery, and lots of expensive therapy with a certified, trained therapist i could trust. Unfortunately, the cost of all these things would total in excess of 60-80 thousand dollars, money which i have no time or energy to make. And even then, there would be things that would remind me that im not, that im just a knock off and a fake, an edit, a bunch of surguries. Just...pretend. A semi functional bottom surgery might just make me feel worse.
Ive honestly just given up hope. Some things just are. Maybe. Maybe. Ill get a chance as someone new one day. Someone who doesnt feel this horrifying aloneness, bizzareness, and pain.