i wrote my brother a note, no one else.

[letdown]

i only wrote a note to my little brother. just writing and reading it makes me so fucking sad for him. we are very close, hes the one im worried about. hes young, he doesnt deserve to have a dead brother. but idk if i can keep going. ive been saving up and stashing for my attempt. i think at this point theres a very high likelyhood i die. hes so sweet, we have so much fun together. i would never want him to think i did it because he wasnt enough to keep me here. there is nothing that could keep me here, i am sure many of you know that feeling. my brother is so great, i feel so bad. i am not going to go yet, but very likely the next few days i will ctb.

a year ago i put a gun to my head, i was going to pull the trigger, i switched safety off. i got a notification on my phone, i checked it. i glanced at the time and it was my brothers birthday. how could i ever do that to him. he would spend every birthday after than in agony, he only deserves happiness. i am giving him so much undeserved suffering. but i am trapped, there is nothing i can do to stop myself now.

i hardly ever get mad at him, if i do its normal sibling stuff. we have eachothers backs. this feels like betraying him. hes my best friend. i would feel like a loser for saying that, but i dont because hes so cool. i am so proud of him, hes more than i could ever be. hes been hilarious since forver, and very smart. i am always shocked. like what other person his age is like this? he is always there for me, and i am leaving him. how fucked up am i?

and i dont want to leave a note for anyone else. i am afraid if i do ill just be mad and say mean shit. i dont want the last thing i say to be that. but the last thing i told my dad was that hes a curse because of his bipolar, and i wish he never had me because hes such a shit father. so i think either way im gonna be screwing over my other family. and i am certainly not writing anything to former foster parents, or people who i thought were friends. no one cares about me for me, only my actions, or accomplishments, or what i tell them. my brother cares about me for me, i could be ranting about the stupidest shit, make a bad joke, cry, etc etc, and he would ALWAYS be there. and i cant do that for him, if i go through with this.

if someone goes through my computer history after i ctb and sees this, show this to my brother. i love you lil bro, youre the best. chris youre so much better than me, i love you. if someone doesnt let you see the note i left, find a way to get it. you deserve to see it, its yours. anything that was mine can be yours if you want it.

 

[steveholt]

I Have a chest hidden and buried has aome letters to be handed out after i CTB. .. all well done on nice paper.. with a wax seal.. all the info to find it is important as ive set it up as a scavenger hunt.. and it contains my WILL ..

 

[deadbidaylight]

I Have a chest hidden and buried has aome letters to be handed out after i CTB. .. all well done on nice paper.. with a wax seal.. all the info to find it is important as ive set it up as a scavenger hunt.. and it contains my WILL ..

I actually really love this idea!

 

[steveholt]

Its just my way having one last bit off fun... and also why not be a bit off an ass kne last time... its kinda like saying i want my ashes or biday thrown into a volcano ... just one last thing to piss people off if not at least they will smile and have one last memory..