I would make a terrible girlfriend

[Water-Lily]

I had an overall fun night out last night. Played Smash Brothers Ultimate with some friends and got to connect. Even had me a Vodka drink to loosen up. Afterwards I went to a party with some friends, made new friends, then went to another and met up with a guy friend. I've known him since college and we get along pretty well (even hooked up once)

After the parties he dropped me home. While driving we talked openly about our feelings and where we stand, etc. And while I can say I have a lot more clarity and feel better I also feel insecure. This feeling I have isn't anything new and I know is connected to a lot of trauma and shit, but I genuinely feel like I would make a bad girlfriend. For many reasons:

1) Easily upset/sensitive to peoples words and mannerisms
2) Take things personally
3) Suicidal even over the smallest things
4) Passive aggressive
5) Bad habit of spiraling on social media
6) Shutting people out/lashing out when hurting
7) A bucket leadoff unhealed trauma

I could go on and on, but I think I would be too crazy for anyone to be with

 

[Forever Sleep]

I admire you for really looking at yourself like this. I think it's important too- 'know thyself' and all that. I feel the same really- that- although I like the idea of love and romance and having a partner- I think the reality would be different because of who I am. In some ways, I found it made life a little easier- that being single was in fact in some part- a choice. Less hopeless longing that way.

 

[Pluto]

I know the feeling well, but there's a whole other side of the coin that's worth considering. This is how I see you:

1) Self-aware with good communication
2) Deeply introspective and emotionally intelligent
3) Down-to-Earth, humble, realistic and relatable (i.e., people can be themselves, not having to hide insecurities)
4) Genuine care and empathy for others

In our age of narcissism, disposability, shallowness and fakeness, these are very desirable and rare qualities. The need for your partner to be patient at times and maintain a high standard of communication is a small price to pay.

A lot of the emotional instability you describe is partly caused by not having enough support/affection/companionship, which is a situation that would improve greatly when treated as you deserve by a loving partner. Of course, a partner is not a solution to unhappiness, but a source of support while working on trauma and rediscovering your identity that was damaged in the past.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I had an overall fun night out last night. Played Smash Brothers Ultimate with some friends and got to connect. Even had me a Vodka drink to loosen up. Afterwards I went to a party with some friends, made new friends, then went to another and met up with a guy friend. I've known him since college and we get along pretty well (even hooked up once)

After the parties he dropped me home. While driving we talked openly about our feelings and where we stand, etc. And while I can say I have a lot more clarity and feel better I also feel insecure. This feeling I have isn't anything new and I know is connected to a lot of trauma and shit, but I genuinely feel like I would make a bad girlfriend. For many reasons:

1) Easily upset/sensitive to peoples words and mannerisms
2) Take things personally
3) Suicidal even over the smallest things
4) Passive aggressive
5) Bad habit of spiraling on social media
6) Shutting people out/lashing out when hurting
7) A bucket leadoff unhealed trauma

I could go on and on, but I think I would be too crazy for anyone to be with

It's like you are in my head here: I am guilty of all of these things.
Yet it's not our fault.
It is the fault of those who cause us to act this way.
They are just reactions caused by trauma.
Who you are deep down as a person, ( good person ) is the real you.
Please don't judge yourself as a person based on actions that are not your fault.

 

[Water-Lily]

It's like you are in my head here: I am guilty of all of these things.
Yet it's not our fault.
It is the fault of those who cause us to act this way.
They are just reactions caused by trauma.
Who you are deep down as a person, ( good person ) is the real you.
Please don't judge yourself as a person based on actions that are not your fault.

I know. I just fear it will be too much for someone

 

[The anhedonic one]

I know. I just fear it will be too much for someone

If they are a true friend, or loved one, then they will accept you as you are: unconditional love.

 

[Water-Lily]

If they are a true friend, or loved one, then they will accept you as you are: unconditional love.

that feels more like a fake fairy tale.

I say this as I was watching a video about acceptance/help for those with BPD. The video was meant to give hope to those suffering and explaining how the illness stems from trauma. So many people in the comments were shaming those with BPD for being "problematic" and "abusive". If so many people seem to lack basic care for those with severe mental health issues then what hope is there? It seems more people just want to hate those suffering than extend any type of compassion or care

 

[Someone123]

I had an overall fun night out last night. Played Smash Brothers Ultimate with some friends and got to connect. Even had me a Vodka drink to loosen up. Afterwards I went to a party with some friends, made new friends, then went to another and met up with a guy friend. I've known him since college and we get along pretty well (even hooked up once)

After the parties he dropped me home. While driving we talked openly about our feelings and where we stand, etc. And while I can say I have a lot more clarity and feel better I also feel insecure. This feeling I have isn't anything new and I know is connected to a lot of trauma and shit, but I genuinely feel like I would make a bad girlfriend. For many reasons:

1) Easily upset/sensitive to peoples words and mannerisms
2) Take things personally
3) Suicidal even over the smallest things
4) Passive aggressive
5) Bad habit of spiraling on social media
6) Shutting people out/lashing out when hurting
7) A bucket leadoff unhealed trauma

I could go on and on, but I think I would be too crazy for anyone to be with

At least you are aware of issues that you have- you may want to start with friendships and work on some of these things as you can. Hopefully the time will come when you find a way to heal enough so that you can have a good relationship. Not many people are honest with themselves about their flaws, which makes it tougher to fix them, so you do have the advantage of being honest with yourself.

 

[Water-Lily]

At least you are aware of issues that you have- you may want to start with friendships and work on some of these things as you can. Hopefully the time will come when you find a way to heal enough so that you can have a good relationship. Not many people are honest with themselves about their flaws, which makes it tougher to fix them, so you do have the advantage of being honest with yourself.

Yeah. Just knowing how I can be (how I struggle with communication especially) I feel I would be toxic/harmful to someone

It just sucks that I'm so damaged I'd probably have to wait years and years till I can ever be with someone :/

 

[Someone123]

Yeah. Just knowing how I can be (how I struggle with communication especially) I feel I would be toxic/harmful to someone

It just sucks that I'm so damaged I'd probably have to wait years and years till I can ever be with someone :/

I know how it is- maybe you can fix enough of the key things so that you won't have to wait as long, and you can spend time developing friendships.

 

[The anhedonic one]

that feels more like a fake fairy tale.

I say this as I was watching a video about acceptance/help for those with BPD. The video was meant to give hope to those suffering and explaining how the illness stems from trauma. So many people in the comments were shaming those with BPD for being "problematic" and "abusive". If so many people seem to lack basic care for those with severe mental health issues then what hope is there? It seems more people just want to hate those suffering than extend any type of compassion or care

I can relate to that all too well.
I became both the black sheep and scapegoat to my dysfunctional family. All because I was viewed as weird because I was suffering from clinical depression.
So- called friends eventually dumped me too. Nobody wants to be around the depressed guy for long.

 

[Water-Lily]

I can relate to that all too well.
I became both the black sheep and scapegoat to my dysfunctional family. All because I was viewed as weird because I was suffering from clinical depression.
So- called friends eventually dumped me too. Nobody wants to be around the depressed guy for long.

It's so sad how scapegoating is so common place. It says a lot about the people choosing to scapegoat

A healthy individual will love someone who is suffering and want to sit with them in their pain. Not abuse them for it

I've been the scapegoat and I've witnessed people in my family be scapegoats

 

[The anhedonic one]

It's so sad how scapegoating is so common place. It says a lot about the people choosing to scapegoat

A healthy individual will love someone who is suffering and want to sit with them in their pain. Not abuse them for it

I've been the scapegoat and I've witnessed people in my family be scapegoats

Yes, it's emotionally devastating to be victims to this kind of abuse. So sorry you went through this too.

 

[Water-Lily]

Yes, it's emotionally devastating to be victims to this kind of abuse. So sorry you went through this too.

I think what's sad is how common place it is. Scapegoating happens so much

Victims of sexual abuse beinf blamed for the abuse. Victims of bullying being shamed by teachers. Etc

Yes, it's emotionally devastating to be victims to this kind of abuse. So sorry you went through this too.

I think what's sad is how common place it is. Scapegoating happens so much

Victims of sexual abuse beinf blamed for the abuse. Victims of bullying being shamed by teachers. Etc

 

[The anhedonic one]

OMFG, that is unbelievably messed up when that happens: Blaming the abuse victims for the abuse.
Only truly evil people could even think of doing such sick and twisted things.
It is beyond despicable.
The warped pieces of human excrement who perpetuate these things need to be euthanized in the worst possible way.